My ex is still being abusive

[Ineedwine1]

Been split over 3 years. I walked out on him and into a woman's refuge for emotional/mental and financial abuse. Over these 3 years I've got my old self back and can stand up to him when I don't agree with something or think he's being unfair.
Well this virus has brought the worst out in him and I can clearly see now that he still manipulates me! I can't believe I've been so blind.
It began when the announcement came of the lockdown. Before hand we agreed to do 1 week each to cut down travel between homes. We then had an argument because the next day he tried to get me to have our DS back so he could work. I said no it's not fair, I've had to take unpaid leave and holiday for my work and now it was my time to work. He didn't like that so had a huge go at me calling me all names, telling me in on another planet, that I'm selfish. Then he blocked me.
Today he unblocks me and says this 1 week thing isn't going to work. It's too tough, he has to work. I said so do I, I manage and took holiday etc. He also has help at home in the form of his parents. I have no one. Apparently they can't help him. So he then suggests every 3 days I say no it's too frequent. So say OK what about 5. He goes on and on at me until I finally say OK 3 days. He also emotionally blackmail me about losing his job. Which fine I get back so could I. He then calls me some names and blocks me again.
How could I have fallen into his trap again. He's nice when he wants something and awful when I don't sing to his tune. I thought we could be civil and help each other out. Clearly not unless it revolves around him and what he wants.
How can I deal with this man? I loathe him and even though I have those feelings I never once have stopped him from seeing his child or used our child against him. I believe it would do our son damage so I wouldn't do it. I'm literally so angry and feel so trapped by him still

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I would go to Court and get contact Ordered so you both know exactly where and when you have your child. There'd be no more arguments like the one you've outlined above.

Make sure that whatever contact suits you is the one in place when you go to Court as they are likely to use the status quo to decide on what you'll get.

My ex is still a controlling twat with me after 10 years. Eldest son who is 17 hasn't spoke to his dad for over 2 year as he started controlling him. Youngest son 12 still sees his dad EOW. Since the schools broke up he has decided he doesn't want youngest son visiting him until all the coronavirus is sorted. ( we live round the corner)
He's texting telling youngest son it's all my fault that he can't see him due to me leaving him 10 year ago. Pure simple.
I feel for you. Hugs. X

min thank you. What kind of things would he do to control your eldest? I do worry about him and DS eg.maybe trying to 'win' DS over with toys and that he's the 'fun' parent. He already has said things to me son such as you can't have that magazine it's for girls not boys. DS is 3 so I mean it's up to him what he wants to play with. Ex also has a hobby in collecting trainers and is obsessed with buying our son some but DS has to keep them pristine and not ruin them. Again stupid as he's 3.

He would tell eldest son that he needed to stop being with me or he would stop him from visiting. He stopped him seeing his friends while at his house and also having contact with me and my family. I worry that he will start doing this with youngest son but I have to let him find out himself what his dad is like.

My ex hasn't been giving me any money for our 2 boys. He moved in with his girlfriend of 2 months and her 4 DC last week and hour away from me. He wanted me to bring the boys to him and his girlfriend would give me petrol money. I said no as we should be mixing at the moment and I won't be taking money off a woman who has 4 children to feed and now him
He thinks I'm being petty, he's such a narcissistic knob. We've been split nearly 2 years and I've helped sort his shit out like a mug. I'm getting a uni loan at the end of April and he keeps hinting about not having any money and what he needs to pay, ifbhe even thinks of asking me for money he'll be getting told to fuck off

I also worry ex might do this to DS. He doesn't live near where DS will start going to school and so if DS wants to go to clubs or see friends I can see ex making DS feel guilty about not seeing him

My ex has never paid maintenance in all the 10 year we have been apart. He never buys them anything or helps with school trips or school clothes. Yet I have never stopped him seeing them. Eldest son soon got sick of his dads narcissistic ways but never told me what was going on until he decided he didn't want to see him anymore.

He's not going to magically change because you left him. He's not going to grow up and adjust. Normal relating of give and take isn't going to happen, ever. People like this are like it for life. No change. Ever.

So work from that. Don't chat or talk to him - he's not normal and will manipulate anything and everything (that's a given) so don't be surprised when he does, because that's what he does, that's how he functions.

Get the legals in place so he can't muck about. Dont talk to him but keep comms via email, factual: not hot, not cold, just facts (apart from anything you'll have an evidence trail for legals).

He will play you, and everyone, for ever. That's what he does. Sorry to say he will do it to your boy. I despair a bit at mothers (like me) who are so desperate to be 'fair' that in the name of fairness they release their children to these dreadful dreadful men, who will do nothing but harm. I learnt the hard way, big time, and if I had my time again I wouldn't be so keen to be 'fair' or to hand my kids over to a sick person who used them for his own sick ends ie to hurt and damage me.

We left our abusers, op. They never forget it and will always have a vendetta against us using the most potent weapon: the kids.

@springydaff thank you. Im learning. I think he uses my kind and fair nature against me. But not anymore. When we were together he once admitted he manipulates his mum to get what he wants from her. Silly me for thinking he had changed.
Can I ask how he used your children against you? I'm really worried I will end up down this road. If you feel you shouldn't have been so fair what would you have done differently? Nli think nows the best time now my son is little to put things into place.

Don't fight so hard for their relationship, don't facilitate it.

Don't send him a postcard about it, mind, you have to be subtle : if he thinks you're keeping his boy from him he'll fight dirty to get as much time as possible with dc. (in fact you can use this to your advantage : whatever you want, ask for the opposite). You have to be clever though. NEVER cold because he will pay you back 1000%.

Yy this means you'll get the bulk of childcare but that's the price we pay, sadly. It's for our kids. You won't be able to stop him having a relative with ds unfortunately but don't fall into the trap of being scared you're 'one of those mothers who withhold contact between kids and dad'. This doesn't apply in this situation.

Be wiley, op. You got to work on not being so nice and expecting the best of him, he is simply incapable of delivering and always will be, he doesn't have a best, only what he can get out of a situation.

*relationship

People like this target kind people in the first place - they know they'll have more space to manipulate. Don't take it personally - it's not you, it's him.

@springydaff you're right they do target certain people. Ive learnt that. And I think this is why he hates me so much now because I stand up to him and won't always let him get his own way. To him he says I'm difficult but I think I'm only being fair. He drains me so much

Why dont you say you have to self isolate then block him for a while?

@crystalise because this guy will come to my house if I try stop him seeing his son. Also if I say any of us have symptoms and I don't and later on get it then that wouldn't be good either