Relationships

[Mammy7]

I’m wondering if my on off partner is a narcissist, I have read up on google a lot of good articles that I can relate to with him. Something I’m stuck on is...when we argue he says awful things but then when I try to resolve things after a few days of having a break from each other he tells me to “leave him alone” and to “f off”..why is he saying that when really it should be me that says that after the awful things he has said. Is that a trait of a narcissistic man? Is that a way for him to act the victim or what?

Wouldn't a better question be, why are you trying to "resolve things" with a man who behaves like that?

What does it matter why he does things? What matters is that you're constantly fighting and breaking up etc - it's not a good relationship for you (or him). Do yourself a favour and end it properly and finally and stop the cycle.

No, not solely the trait of a "narcissistic" man, but it's definitely the trait of a prick.

Get rid. It will get worse.

Why on earth would you care OP?

Why are you trying to understand someone who says awful things?

Why are you tryng to resolve things?

Why are you continuing to try when he tells you to fxxx off?

Step back.
Reflect on yourself.
Think about your boundaries.
Think about self respect.

Why would you want to be within a 100 miles of such a nasty piece of work?

Raise your bar OP.

Blimey the first time someone told me to fuck off, I would.

Thanks for replies, i know I’m just that kind of person who tries to give reason for something. I feel I am stronger than what I once was I just need to get the balls and just completely cut contact for good but as you most may know it’s hard even when the relationship isn’t all great it’s still hard to walk away but I think I will get there, reading articles about behaviours/men kind of get me through it

Diagnosing him distracts you from doing the one thing that you can and should be doing, which is moving on.

People pleaser, cares too much, ‘I’m just that kind of person who tries to give reason for something’ etc. Are labels that people give themselves to cover up the fact that they don’t think very much of themselves.

You can not ‘fix’ him and there isn’t a less twattish version of him waiting around the corner.

You’re making excuses to stay in an unhealthy relationship, which is your prerogative but you do need to acknowledge it.

I totally agree with u AgentJohnson I always look for reasons for people’s behaviour rather than accepting that’s who they really are

@Mammy7 I have noticed that people who constantly ask "why, why, why" about other people's shit behaviour, tend to have been treated like shit as children. My mother does it - so do I. It is something I have had to train myself not to do. Because it doesn't matter why they do it. What matters is, they're doing it.

I'm imagining that when you were a little girl, your heart was broken many times and you spent a lot of time trying to figure out "why" your loved one didn't take good care of you. So that you could fix it. Because you were a child, and needed them to take care of you.

But you are an adult now. You don't need to work out why, because you aren't trapped with this person, they aren't your parent/teacher/etc.

You can vote with your feet.

Every time you catch yourself wondering "why" - gently stop yourself. And redirect your thoughts. Start asking, "what is he doing, and is it OK with me?" "what is he doing, does it make me feel happy?" If the answer is NO, then start your next line of thought: "How can I get this person out of my life and headspace?"

@rvby I agree with your words. I think when you love/loved someone you always try figure them out and try figure out why they act in certain ways to get some clarification on things for peace of mind. His behaviour makes me question my own sanity. I really agree with your last paragraph this is what I have been doing lately asking myself is it okay is it making me happy.

If an on/off boyfriend told me to fuck off, he would be permanently OFF

Stuff has happened at the weekend nothing major but now he has up and left again left me in limbo which makes me feel rejected nothing new there. I know everyone says get rid walk away etc and I can kind of get so far but then I start feeling guilty that I didn’t try hard enough that I didn’t try better to make things work that I should have been better and nicer...why! Why do I feel like this? Is it just that I wasn’t good enough is that why he finds it so easy to walk away all the time.

My husband also tells me to fuck off and then apologises but I've had enough of listening to this shit. The only problem is I'm far from home in another country and I need time to save money. Then surely I will fuck off

Good on you although it must be hard arguing with a partner and being so far away to sort things out but then on one hand it may make it easier in the long run to leave him if already separated by being in a different country. My partner up and left last week and then come back and left again so my heads all over with emotions and feelings of rejection. I just wish it was easier said than done when people say walk away myself, but all the comments do help me as I read them over and over and I can feel all the advice sinking in. I know what everyone says to me is the right thing to do but I’ve had this ten years and it’s harder than one says to walk away maybe it’s me maybe I’m weak or maybe it’s all my fault for letting it go on.