Didn’t love OH?

[Poppygirl96]

Okay before I start I am aware this has nothing to do with the current global issues at hand and the virus and I am of course devestated and understand there are bigger things to worry about.

I am simply looking for advice or opinions whether I want them or not and just need somewhere to offload. I have written multiple posts but none of them have I been truly honest because I was scared of the backlash, but hey I guess I need to hear it?

Anyways story goes, I knew I didn’t love my ex when we got engaged which was about a year and a half ago (stay about 11 months into our relationship) and that I didn’t enjoy sex. Instead of being honest and breaking up with him I didn’t. I was scared to break his heart and couldn’t bear the fact that he was so happy and told all his friends and family about the engagement and loved me so much.

So instead I (stupidly) went along with it and decided I wanted a baby because I thought it would either make me love him or distract myself and force myself to be with him even though I truly didn’t want to all because I was too chicken to break up with him.

So I stayed with him and we got pregnant he wasn’t sure if it was what I wanted but went ahead because I lied and convinced him that it was what I wanted. Then a month or two later my feelings of not being in love got so bad that I went to break up with him, and then again I chickened out again as I was too scared to go through with the pregnancy alone and again scared to break his heart.

We bought a house together after I gave birth and now we are in the process of splitting because I’ve realised I really can’t keep living a lie. There were a lot of problems in our relationship (mainly sexual but then I amplified the emotional issues simply because I wasn’t really enjoying sex and didn’t know how to be honest) so I ended it.

Now I few really guilty knowing I only had our son to try and fix the relationship and that I lied to him for so long. He’s now found out that I didn’t truly love him (he worked it out for himself) and now I feel like utter scum. If I didn’t have our son I feel like I would have commit suicide right now. I feel like pure sh*t. I’ve destroyed someone’s life and broken his heart worse than if I had ended it when we got engaged. No one can make me feel worse than I already do. I have no friends or family I. An admit this to as they would probably be disgusted with how I’ve gone about things.

And brought a baby into such a toxic environment having to grow up in a two parent house seeing both parents each other week and ruined both my son and ex’s life. I am currently on anti depressants and seeing a therapist. I just don’t know what to do?

I have no friends or family I can admit this to*

I think you need to focus less on what you've done to him- as gutted as he is, and be proactive now in understanding why you didn't have the confidence to speak up and go it alone sooner. Perhaps some therapy?

@Ohfeckohfuckohshit yes I am seeing a therapist. They are quite expensive so I probably won’t keep her for much longer. However I know they the reason why I didn’t do it sooner is because I have low confidence and self esteem based on (feeling like my parents weren’t emotionally there for me growing up) and feeling like I have to please other people. I don’t have many friends and rely on others to make me happy. So because I was scared to be alone and leave my ex and break his heart I didn’t end it and now I feel like the scummiest person on the planet.

Your DC is not the first child who was conceived to save a relationship and won't be the last so, along with understanding why you did not have the courage of your convictions, you need to focus on being the best mother you can be so that he never feels unwanted. The fact that your relationship, ultimately, failed is not your child's fault

Maybe simply starting with being kinder to yourself. Let this go. You cannot fix, and you are sorry.

Just focus on loving yourself and your boy now.

Concentrate all your efforts on your son and your well being.

You may have made mistakes with the decision making in your relationship with the ex but that doesn't mean you can't be a great mum.

Doesn't matter about the circumstances leading to his birth it doesn't mean you'll love him any less.
We all make mistakes.

Be a great mum.

@Bedsidetable but that’s the thing I don’t know how to let the guilt go so that I can start enjoying my son properly. My ex hates me (rightly so) and so we are barely on speaking terms apart from our son and we live together so it’s super awkward. And then I feel guilty that I brought my son into this. I wish I could just let go and be there for my son but the guilt eats me up inside so much that I can only just about do the basics like feed, clothe and take care of him. :(

You haven't destroyed anyone's life. You've hurt him badly, yes, but he'll move on and find someone who does love him. His life is far from over.

Just as yours isn't.

Listen, we all fuck up and at the time it seemed like the thing for you to do. You didn't have the tools emotionally then, and you're still building up your toolbox now.

In time, you may come to a peaceful place with your ex. And you will need to forgive yourself. Going forward you can be more of the person you want to be.

Listen, it’s not the end of the world. It’s really not. I know LOTS of separated parents. All the kids are fine. Most have remarried. Have more kids. If you co-parent sensibly and fairly then it will be fine. You haven’t ruined your sons life! Your ex will get over it. You gave the relationship a go, you tried, it didn’t work. You then ended it. You could have stayed for another 20 years so actually you’ve done the decent thing! You’ve actually been brave. Finishing it now means your kid can grow up with this new normal as normal. One of my best friends split up with her husband when her child was a year old. Many years later, both have new families and the daughter is happy, healthy and well adjusted and used to having two homes. It will only be a drama if you make it into a drama. The thing that will ruin your sons life is you taking your own life! You need to get healthy and strong and stop beating yourself up. Do whatever you have to in order to do that. Be there for your kid and you can’t go wrong

Your ex is going to have to get over his hate. You have to co-parent so he’s got to dial down the drama. Relationships end. He’s not special and he’s not the first and he’s not the last. Don’t let him over victimise you

Oh god. He has to move out.this isn't sustainable

Please please continue your therapy and get yourself feeling better about this. You’re not a terrible person at all, you actually made choices out of trying to make another person happy. You didn’t value your own happiness enough and put someone else first. This does not make you a bad person at all, just misguided. I am in a very similar situation (haven’t ended the relationship as yet though as I’m still wrestling with it). I’ve had counselling to cope with the guilt and self hatred and I’m feeling much better. I’ve gained clarity about why I made certain choices and that has helped me to feel stronger. Your son will be fine and your love for him is not dependent on your feelings for his dad.