Separated from my wife but still in love & forced to continue living together

[Devonshire77]

My wife of 10 years told me in mid February that her feelings have changed and that she wants us to separate. I didn’t see it coming - I was (and still am) utterly devastated. It has hit me like a train. We have two amazing children, aged 8 & 11. Life was perfect, or so I thought.

Our financial position is such that we need to sell our family house in order to go our separate ways. Whilst it sells, we have no choice but to continue living together. She has been able to emotionally detach herself quite quickly but I have thus far found it so so hard to continue living together - because I still love her.

I have until now tried to put some physical distance between us by staying with friends/ family for occasional nights. However with Coronavirus we are now facing a prolonged period of living together (even beyond the current restrictions, there is every chance the housing market will take a good amount of time to recover in order we can sell up). I feel trapped.

Does anyone have any tips or advice on how best to continue living with someone once separated? I am particularly interested to hear of coping strategies from anyone who has had to continue living with someone whilst still being in love with them.

Give her space and be as kind as you can. These are potentially life changing times. This may bring you closer together, perhaps. Or could certainly set an important foundation of being decent and honest with each other. Good luck. If you really do love her, be a good person. Most people, male or female, in whatever situation, will respond well to someone being good to them.

Thank you, good advice. Just finding it really hard being around her.

I’m in the exact same situation. I’m perhaps a little further on from you as my husband told me he wanted us to separate in January. A month ago, I was in a very different place.

For now, we’ve accepted that the situation has been put on hold for the foreseeable future. We’re not really discussing it as we don’t want to rock the boat while we’re stuck in such close quarters. It’s an unspoken understanding I suppose.

We continue to get along very well so that makes things easier.

I would try to carefully explore the reasons for why she feels the way she does. This sort of unexpectedness, suddenness and easy detachment can sometimes indicate there is a 3rd party involved.

When I realised this myself it was easier for me to detach and become more businesslike in interactions because it was very clear to me that I didn't want to be with someone that didn't want to be with me. There was an easier acceptance of the end of the relationship, and I knew it was not something I could make work, or even wanted to make work at that point. You might find the same.

Best of luck with things, especially at these already difficult times.

Yes, keeping things amicable and trying to get along as well as possible is they key to getting through this

Hi suggestionsplease1

I know it sounds like a 3rd party is involved but I was certain there was not- to the extent I didn’t even ask the question to start with. I did subsequently end up asking and was told there is not. I believe her but guess it will all come out in the wash if there is.

Ironically my feeling is that it would actually help me process and deal with this better if there was someone else!

Focus on your children. Use this time to play games, go for walks together where appropriate, read books, etc. If there is any hope of salvaging your marriage, wallowing and hovering over her will not accomplish that.