My marriage is over in just 12 months [INCLUDES DV DETAIL - EDITED BY MNHQ]

[Ivy2134]

Hi all, I'm devastated, heartbroken, crushed beyond repair.
I got married in October 2018. I was so happy.
My husband had told me I had completed him and I was all he ever wanted and that he would mind and protect me until the day he dies. He was my first relationship.
Things was nice until boxing day 2018 that evening we go out end up having one drink to many. Anyway we got into a stupid argument that resulted in him punching me in my head then choking me to where my voice was hoarse the next day. I made him leave.
I told his mother she suffers with mental health and it resulted in her taking am overdose.
He blamed me then threatened to kill one of my family if she didnt make it.
Anyway we make it back up a few weeks later and he was saying all his sorrys. Me being gullible fell for it.
A couple months later we go for another drink with his mother and father when a guy and his girlfriend came over to me and his mom and was being friendly and hugged us on the way out.
When we get home he calls me a smell and tells me never let him see me hug another guy ever again well he was the first to ever have me so I went mad and put him out.
Fast forward a couple of months and i end up in hospital sick with my kidney and the night I was admitted I tryed to call him which he answered unknown and I could hear music in the background! Anyway he tell me a lie and says he didnt answer because he left his phone in the car. I argued and he said that his conversation was more important!!
He would mostly be out on the weekends but j thought hed give it a break knowing iwas in hospital.
Anyway couple months down the line I end up in hospital again he stays with me until he has to go.
I find out the next day hes went out all night and didnt return until 7 in the morning.
So I go mad and tell him to go but he didnt he just decides to ignore me while I'm in hospital and hes driving my car up and down with his mates doing whatever when my uncle tell him that it would suit him better to be with me than his friends. My uncle demanded my keys of the car of him.
I didnt even get a visit!! Next day no phone call nothing then I get told I can go home I had to get a taxi home he didnt even ask if or when I would be coming home!
Got home and him and his mat are stuffing there face with a pizza without a care in the world.
Any way next thing is he gets into an argument with my landlord and end up getting kicked out of my home where I was for 18 yrs.
We moved burning was starting to get very depressed. Then one night I get phone call to pick him up he was drunk. He gets into the car and I ask him is this the life that I'll have to continue to live with him I was shouting at him but he then grabs my hair while I'm driving from behind and I'm trying to control the car cause he has such a grip on my hair. He tryed to beat me that night but he was to drunk.
Anyway as it goes I forgived him. But i said to him the next day that if that was his mother or sister would he hit them then he got upset and said that I was mad.
A couple weeks go buy and he goes drinking again I come home and he rips my hair out throws it on top of me give me two running kicks into the ribs I got up and tryed to punch hill back but he got me on the floor and kept standing on my head and face and kept punching me in the head he kicked me so on in my knee I couldn't walk for two weeks he tore all the tendons and ligaments I really thought it was broke. I screamed in pain and begged to be taken to the hospital where when he told me he would stab me. My head had so much lumps and my face and eyes were black. He said sorry next day but said I should have just left him alone.
I didnt leave because ididnt want my family to.see my face. I healed then I left he begged me not to go but I did.
Then he gets into trouble and people come to my door my cousin to be exact and asked for his mothers address and i give it he then had a guy ring me to tell me he was gona blow me up.
He then asked me to meet him and that he was gona get help.
I thought ok stupid me I know but I did I kept meeting him and he was telling me that he would anything. So I had asked him if he had been with anyone since me being gone and only meeting with him and he told me no!
Any way I get his phone and I find pictures of a woman standing nude and it's only in the hotel we had our honeymoon. He has ripped my heart out and life apart I'm so depressed I've cried every day since he has effected me so badly.
I just think with the pain thays in my heart that I carry every day is never going to go away.
I dont see anywayford I know this sound so stupid but i loved him so much after everything thing he done. Whybor how is that even possible item to hate him. But I dont why? I just dont understand myself. I haven't gone back though. Words of wise and wisdom if anyone can reach out! Thank you.

OP in the kindest way stop going back to him and cut all contact as he will only hover you back in. Its frustrating reading everything hes put you through to see you go back to him . Give your head a wobble leave him. He may ramp up the pressure turning up at relatives etc but you need to be strong and get the police involved.

Thank you everyone. It is hard. So hard. I appreciate your time and feedback. I have made a case with haven womens refuge today. So it's a start.

Well done OP. I know how hard this is for you but you're doing the right thing. If you value your life, please stay away from him.

I’ve stepped a few steps in your shoes. Just not for as long. My marriage was a lot shorter than yours. The minute we got married he changed.

He ‘tapped’ my face - he was sorry and I dismissed it. The next time I got the absolute hiding of my life. I thought he was going to make sure I didn’t wake up.

I left and didn’t look back. Best thing I did.

If he was sorry he wouldn’t have hurt you again.

If he loved you he wouldn’t have hurt you at all

Leave and don’t look back. He won’t change love.

And your body can only take so much. If he carries on in the same vein, he will kill you.

Op, you can do it.

This is his failure, not yours.

Dear god my heart froze reading, leave now and don’t go back, he’s already got you chucked out of your home, it will be a body bag next, sorry had to say this, hugs lots of them.

Than you guys. I know this sounds stupid but I loved him so much the heartache is killing me I have a pain in my heart that's unbearable. How can u not get rid of it. It's just so hard.

Can you get (online) counselling?

And read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft
And Codependent no more by Melody Beattie

I know this sounds stupid but I loved him so much the heartache is killing me I have a pain in my heart that's unbearable. How can u not get rid of it. It's just so hard.

Time and lack of contact with him is the only thing that heals that.

Some people recommend "I can heal your broken heart" as a good book.

I know this sounds stupid but I loved him so much the heartache is killing me I have a pain in my heart that's unbearable. How can u not get rid of it. It's just so hard.

You loved who you thought he was. He is not that person. He deceived you on purpose and only time, counseling and self help will heal you. You’re just getting your head around this now and will be feeling very raw, so be patient and try and ground yourself when your thoughts run away on you.

DO NOT let this dog back in your life. Do you have RL support, friends and family that you can talk to,to help get you through this? Massive hugs

OP have you looked up trauma bonding? Abusive relationships are like an addictive drug and you're craving a hit. You're going through withdrawal symptoms. Ride it out. Research as much as you can, take a look at Youtube for talks on abusive relationships.

Imagine that you're on an Island and, if you stay there long enough, you'll be rescued (or more importantly, rescue yourself). Swimming around the island is s huge great white, he has blood on his teeth, your blood and he's just waiting for you to get back into the water. Don't get back in the water. Don't even dip a toe in there OP. He has huge teeth, he wants your blood and you won't come out alive.

Thank you all for giving me your time and advice.
I really appreciate it. I just feel that my Hope's for a family are over in 36 I was waiting for an op to see why I couldn't conceive. I just wanted a family life. Now I've got no home, no husband, and I just feel desolate. Everyone i knew from childhood are not the same with me because of him anymore. It's just made me see people too for who they really are no one gives a dam. I have my sister in law and she has been supportive. How did and why I fell so hard I'll never know. I'm just so exhausted from it all tbh. My life my Hope's and people I knew all down the drain because of him. And he promised everything would be ok. The feeling in my heart is like I'm grieving death in constantly breaking down even when I breath it hurts. I'm an emotional wreck.

You will grieve. I cried my eyes out for hours when my divorce papers came through.

Why should you not grieve that your hopes were dashed and that your life didn’t turn out the way you dreamed it would?

But it is only for what might have been. We can all start again from nothing and you can build more friendships and a life and love. You can.

I hope you come to realise that in the days to come. I know there are all sorts of levels of broken but you are still kicking OP. You keep kicking. And one day you will get to the surface and breathe real happiness and smell freedom. Keep kicking

36 is not past or for a child or children, many women start at that age or older. It's more and more common in the UK now (and it was always common where I'm from on the border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland because the churches had such a grip and 'persuaded' many people not to use contraception, so the kids arrived from when they married until the women were 43 - 45 (sometimes older). If wasn't remotely abnormal to have babies in your late 30s/early 40s until recently, people's first grandchildren were often about the about the same age as their youngest you children. It changed when the church's grip.loosened but it's going that way again with career women, people getting married older etc.)

The NHS fertility webpage (not sure if still on there) had a figure of 90% of some under 40 falling pregnant within two years of trying. People don't know that figure - they only know the fertility cliff at 35 thing, base on a study based on two hundred yr old French Parish records.

Go ahead with your op (hysteroscopy?) when it's possible, continue finding out everything you can about your fertility so you're in a knowledgeable position to TTC if you meet a good person before 42/43. Keep in.mjnd that even if you don't, you could possibly use donor eggs.

You don't want kids with a violent cheater, what sort of life would that gave been for you and your kids. You'd have become a single mum anyway, after wrecking your health and happiness and your poor kids being subjected to.his behaviour. In fact you could become a single mum from conception (go it alone), that's another possible option, and you'd still be in a better position than how it would've been with him - single mum with abuser ex and father to get kids. The stress and hardship inflicted on women who've had kids with men like that - and in their kids - is shown on here all the time, and goes on for eighteen or more yrs.

*90% of women under 40 falling pregnant within two years of trying.

that resulted in him punching me in my head then choking me

then grabs my hair while I'm driving from behind and I'm trying to control the car cause he has such a grip on my hair. He tryed to beat me that night but he was to drunk.

A couple weeks go buy and he goes drinking again I come home and he rips my hair out throws it on top of me give me two running kicks into the ribs I got up and tryed to punch hill back but he got me on the floor and kept standing on my head and face and kept punching me in the head he kicked me so on in my knee I couldn't walk for two weeks he tore all the tendons and ligaments I really thought it was broke. I screamed in pain and begged to be taken to the hospital where when he told me he would stab me. My head had so much lumps and my face and eyes were black.

So he hits your head (vulnerable to head injury), choke you (could go too far and asphyxiate you and paramedics, if he even called them, might be too late to revive you, endangered you both in terms of potential injury, even death while you were trying to drive a car, gives you running kicks in the ribs ( a rib could pierce your vital organs and seriously injure or kill you) etc etc.
......

Aside from everything else, if you'd had kids with this man, he could have accidentally or carelessly killed you and left your kids motherless, with a deadbeat, drunkard, selfish, violent (and he's not even violent to a "minor" degree, he's extremely, seriously violent creature for a father. Would he have their best interests at heart or treat then well ... I wouldn't be betting any money on that, I'd put a bet against it if I wanted to make money.

Having a child or children on your own (there's no reason you can't meet someone else but just for argument) ... Is better than that. Leagues better; you'd still be alive and well, and they'd not have that for a father

As a man I can tell you that I know men like this and other men despise them .They don’t change .They can pretend for a bit but eventually their nature returns .
What you feel isn’t love and you will realise that one day.He will seriously hurt or even kill you .Get out of his life .

that resulted in him punching me in my head then choking me

then grabs my hair while I'm driving from behind and I'm trying to control the car cause he has such a grip on my hair. He tryed to beat me that night but he was to drunk.

A couple weeks go buy and he goes drinking again I come home and he rips my hair out throws it on top of me give me two running kicks into the ribs I got up and tryed to punch hill back but he got me on the floor and kept standing on my head and face and kept punching me in the head he kicked me so on in my knee I couldn't walk for two weeks he tore all the tendons and ligaments I really thought it was broke. I screamed in pain and begged to be taken to the hospital where when he told me he would stab me. My head had so much lumps and my face and eyes were black.

^^^ what is it about that which you love? That is who he is. A man who's actively tried to murder you repeatedly. If he did that to a stranger he'd be in jail for more than a decade.
If a stranger did this to you, what would you do?

This is who you're married to. He doesn't love you. He absolutely hates and loathes you. He's trying to kill you.

The nice parts you think you love are him pretending so you stay and let him keep practicing to murder you.

Do you have photos or Dr notes from any of the previous times he's tried to kill you? If so, go and get a non molestation order today.
Go to a refuge and delete his number.

Get away from him. Either you get away from him and live or you get away from him in a body bag.

This is truly the most horrific relationship I've read about on here.

He doesn't love you. He absolutely hates and loathes you. He's trying to kill you.

I'd say rather that he's incapable of love.

Telling op that he doesn't love her could make someone, in the devastated, vulnerable state that she's understandably in, see it as her failing .. and think he'd be different with someone else.

He's not capable of love and he's unlikely to be different with someone else; in fact I'd be very very interested in his relationship history and whether any domestic violence has been recorded.
(It's possible it's not been reported of course, lots of people don't report and men don't get a record for many incidents they should have gotten reported for).

Some people on here have said the k my violent or abusive men they've known have stopped (or appeared to stop) was with women who gave them a lifestyle they really enjoyed .. so they kept their violence under wraps . The poster did say that she notice they'd moved to being abusive in other ways to the woman though, it just came out in other ways.

This man is violent to op because he's inclined to be violent and abusive, that's how he's wired ... And also because he'd be violent towards any partner who was "irritating" him by reacting to his bad behaviour. The slightest complaint about his bad behaviour .. results in battering if he's in the mood for it. Being in his vicinity when he's in a shit mood and possibly drunk - results in battering. Not being a possession/doll/robot who psychically knows exactly what he wants or doesn't want her to do (e.g. not give a platonic hug to a man) results in conflict and violence.

So love is irrelevant. He's not capable of it.

Who knows if he intends or tries to kill op (or any other woman) ... He probably just enjoys himself too much, indulging his rage against whatever it is that makes him angry in life, gets carried away etc.
He enjoys having his punch bag, who's not equal in size or strength to him, too much.

Have you spoken to the police about a disclosure of any record of domestic violence in his history op? Or any kind of violence.

No fou t he presented as very nice and charming genuine and loving etc. in the first while op; but he's shown what he's made of now ... And he's a dangerous, woman beating, scumbag.

Don't worry about being divorced, it's as common as it could possibly be. Noone could stay married to this man. It's a win for you, a sign of your self preservation and self respect to get him, and keep him, the fk away from you.

*No doubt

Also you saying that this was your first relationship (?) and apparently feeling this was your only chance of a relationship, only chance to have kids (it's not) probably needs talked about. Seems like issues that need solved once you're safe.