How to have a relationship with SIL when I can never voice my opinion?

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Her DS runs rings around her, plays her and her DH like a fiddle, always has done since tiny, the rest of the family knows it but never says anything. He is constantly causing them upset and breaking rules and she always tells me of the latest thing he has done and then somehow it ends with sympathy for him, telling everyone how lovely he is really and making excuses for him.

I have lost count of the amount of times I have heard him told he can't have something/do something and then be given in to. I then get the long explanation of why he misbehaved and/or how tough life is for him (it isn't). As long as I just listen and nod and agree with everything she says we get along fine, but if I try and suggest she has been too soft on him she gets upset and cross and says its easy for others to think they would have handled it better. I then end up feeling bad for having upset her.

I am not trying to make out I'm the perfect mum but it is glaringly obvious to everyone that he gets away with murder. I dont want to go into too much detail in case I identify her or me but she herself has admitted her is the biggest cause of stress in her marriage (and life it seems). It does annoy me because he has so many privileges that other children don't have and also I do feel for her and hate to see her so upset at his latest transgression.

She seems to genuinely want to be close to me but this isn't my idea of close. It's up to her how she raises her kid but my issue is that I just can't have a relationship with someone where I am not allowed to say what I really think. It feels dishonest and frustrates the hell out of me.

Btw, when I say she didn't ask for my opinion she did say "You've got all this to look forward to with your DS2" which she always says, and I usually don't answer, but it always irritates me. I always feel like saying "not bloody likely" (I am not going to allow my DS to stay out all night with his friends and tell me to eff off if I don't like it, swear at me and kick me up the bum to name but a few things... and then make excuses for him when he has calmed down) and I actually find it patronising when she says this. So this time I said "DS2 already pushes the boundaries. I don't have many rules but I am quite firm about the ones I do have". That's when she got upset. Maybe I did sound a bit "know it all" ... but I wanted her to know that I don't just think it is just "kids being kids".

i would get very annoyed at her intimation that her ds' behaviour is beyond her control, and your ds will follow in his footsteps. i'd find it very hard to bite my tongue.

i really think it depends on what you want out of this relationship. do you think if you resolved this issue you could be as close as she wants you to be? if so, i'd try and sort it out. if not, i'd carry on as you are, keeping her at arms length.

Thanks Warthog. I have decided that I prefer to keep her at arms length. I think she has a lot of issues, actually, and I always feel it is a one way conversation. I can't discuss what I think about anything very much with her, she does a lot of talking and really isn't interested in listening to anything I have to say very much of the time so that when I do say it, it comes out quickly, bluntly and wrong.

I think NKF is right that there are some relationships which are not meant to be intimate ones.

I had a similar issue with my best friend whereby I didn't approve of the way her boyfriend was treating her and it was the same old thing with her trying to convince me and me being silent and she eventually got upset and we discussed it and we now both have the opposite point of view - I think he is ok and she is now saying he is not good enough!! But she is the sort of person I can talk to about anything, my SIL is my DH's sister and it's all a bit too close to home. She has friends, she can talk to them, and if they wish to collude in the myth then it's not up to me to try and help her, especially if she doesn't appreciate it.

I will do what some of you have suggested and change the subject, and if necessary tell her that its a subject best not discussed.

Thanks for the advice, it has all really helped.

i think that's the right plan.