Can it be an emotional affair if you don’t want sex

[Lifeatragedycomedy]

I’m trying to figure out something and I don’t know how I feel about it.

I’ve been thinking of a relationship I had with my ex boyfriend. We were together a year. During that time I was still very emotionally close to my ex boyfriend of 9 years who I had split up with just before (even though the relationship had not been sexual for maybe 2 or 3 years).

Looking at it, I would say it was an emotional affair as I still confused trusted in my ex boyfriend. However I was never interested in in sleeping with him, there was no sexual excitement to see him. It was just like he became my best friend/brother and I couldn’t just cut that tie.

So if there’s no sexual feeling there is it still an affair?

Both relationships have ended now but I’m just trying to work it all out.

Yes it is still an affair.

Isn't that what an emotional affair is?

No, that's just called friendship.

What Scissors said.

Did you keep the friendship secret? Did you tell lies to bf when you were meeting ex? Did you discuss feelings you had for each other, but that you won't 'go there'? Did you tell each other 'if things were different, we'd be together'? Did you neglect your be, and put your emotional energy into ex? Did your ex have sexual feelings for you which you ignored so you could keep the friendship?

If no, then it's a friendship.

Why did your friendship with ex finish??? Odd that just 'a friendship' would end.

I didn’t keep the friendship secret, no.

But I was emotionally tied and relied on my ex boyfriend far too much. When I broke up with my second boyfriend I realised it had to end as it wasn’t healthy. It felt like it was holding me back.

There was no sexual desire on my part and none on his Im sure. I had counselling and she though I was very co dependent on my first boyfriend which I think is very true. I also felt immense loyalty to him which I think is a bit strange tbh. He’s the closest person to me and like family (I’m not close to my own family) but I don’t think it was fair to my second boyfriend.

Whilst there was nothing sexual there I would say i emotionally invested in my ex still, relied on him much more - and I think maybe that does still make it an emotional affair?

The premise of an emotional affair is some kind of monopoly on emotional relationships so probably.

It may not be an emotional affair but it does sound like you're very reliant on your first boyfriend emotionally and I'm not sure how that will help either of you to move forward with any other romantic relationship. Did you work with your counsellor about becoming more self reliant, so you're not so dependent on him?

I must admit, I wouldn't want my partner to be continually running to confide in someone else.

No it’s true. I’m feeling very depressed today and thinking of what could’ve been. Any advice to get over it/move on?

You were together for 9 years. You're going to need a lot more time. Try being single for a while, block the ex and the newer ex, get through the hurt and only move on when you're truly ready.

I'd say a friendship

I think that instead of trying to label it you should focus on what best way to move forward is

I'd call that a dysfunctional codependancy friendship. There are non-sexual relationships that are intense and all consuming. Between parent and child, between friend and friend etc. They're not healthy because they preclude other relationships being built.

Whatever it was, you've realised it wasn't healthy. Overanalysing and labelling won't help now. But working on why you entered such a relationship will. And how to avoid them in future.