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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling like theres 3 in our marriage, considering devorce.

7 replies

Andthepointis · 24/03/2020 00:53

Sat here once again contemplating a devorce, would anyone else feel the same and consider breaking their family up.

Since getting married, I have found that my brother in-law is quite demanding on my husband. He wasn't at all like it before we got married, only since our marriage. It's as though he wants to dominate our marriage, but my frustration is with my weak husband, who I'm now beginning to hate.

I know my brother in-law isn't happy in his marriage, so not sure if this is the problem or if its a older brother wanting control over his younger sibling.

It seems like me and our daughter get shuffled to one side because of his brother changing plans and wanting my husband to do things for him. Which is why I'm now starting to hate him, gringe when he is near me and wishing I had never married him.

The last straw came today, the brother in law wanted my husband to do a job up his house. He is always wanting my husband to do things for him, run him here and there, take things up the tip for him, build him a wall, take his car for mot, move a caravan for him, collect a bed frame for him and so on. All this when he knows we are trying to renovate our own home. Which has caused arguments in the past. I manage to take my own car for an mot, so why cant his brother manage to take his own car.

I'm not sure if his brother is jealous of us finishing our house before his. He's been doing his for the past 25 years and it's still not done.

He now wants my husband to fit a new kitchen for him, including the tiling. My husband was supposed to start 9:00am and finish at 3pm. Which then meant that we could get an hour or two in on jobs we need to do for our house after he comes home.

This is the first time my husband has charged his brother, which is good because we've still got bills to pay and if my husband isn't working because he doing jobs at his brothers regular then we are taking a loss on income. However he is only charging less than half he would normally earn in a day, which is why they agreed he would only work 9:15 till 3. The brother in-law said he would take holidays from work to help my husband.

My frustration comes because once again my husbands brother hasn't followed through on what was agreed. He's not bothered taking time if work, texts my husband the night before saying start at 10:00 or start at 11 tomorrow. Which wasnt what was agreed. My husband then doesnt finish at 3 but ends up working there till 6pm. Today we were supposed to go have an hour on our raised vegetable beds and get chickens after he'd finished at 3pm but that never happened because he never got home till 6pm.

I'm annoyed at my husband because I feel like he allowed his brothers bad behavior of changing what had been agreed to impact on our household/plans.

This has caused arguments again between us, as my husband makes out im the one with a problem and he doesnt understand why he should have came home at 3 as agreed. This is not a one off but so regular now, that I have started giving up on our relationship and started joking that he should move in with his brother as he spends more time sorting out his home than ours.

We have a child and naturally I don't want to be overreacting as I'll be the one blamed for breaking us up.

Any advice, am I overreacting or would this also drive you mad?

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 24/03/2020 07:11

It would be a wake up call about how unimportant I am to him and how much less of a priority his child is. That would break my heart.

In your shoes, I would just check out of the relationship, start getting ready to leave. He has it both ways at the moment - you and his brother both want / need him. Tip the balance, set him free to his brother's grip. Plan family life without him. He might notice that he is missing something huge. Or he might not...but he doesn't seem at all reasonable. Maybe you would be (emotionally at least) better off without him. He is making his choices, time to make yours. Sorry OP Flowers

HelgaHere1 · 24/03/2020 07:15

Did the parents have an unbalanced relationshiop with each other or with their sons and the elder son is continuing this.
Report DH to the police anonymously as he is still working when he should be home.

simone1863 · 24/03/2020 09:16

Is this how the Stasi started?

billy1966 · 24/03/2020 11:11

OP, its clear from your post that, you, your daughter, your home, your plans, your arrangements do not count for anything.

Your husband is a weak little man who thinks nothing of breaking his word.

I couldn't bear to live my life with someone like that.

Take it as a given that this is your life and accept it....or ask him to move out.

He's a waster.

You deserve more.

He's making all the choices...I'd take his choices away from him and make my own.

Flowers
picklemewalnuts · 24/03/2020 11:19

Tell him to move in with his brother until the kitchen is finished, because you are fed up with the uncertainty.

glitterfarts · 24/03/2020 13:05

If you're in the UK, he can't go there any more. So tell him if he goes again, to stay there the 3 weeks.

LittleWing80 · 24/03/2020 13:45

You already posted on this and got the same advice you are on this thread. Have you taken any action since your last post?

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