Not in love with DH anymore

[Graffers27]

I know it’s an awful cliche but I don’t think I’m in love with my husband anymore.
We’ve been together 9 years and have 2 kids (4 and 19 months). This past year has been tough as I had postnatal depression with DS, which he didn’t handle well and he doesn’t understand mental health.
I feel like my hubby and I are more good friends than anything now, as we get on well but he’s not affectionate towards me and our nights consist of us sat at opposite ends of the sofa while he plays on his iPad. (I’ve asked him to be more affectionate and he always says he’ll try, but things go back to the way they were within the week). I don’t want to have sex with him either. To be honest I’m sick of feeling like I have a room mate rather than a husband.
But he’s good with the kids (most of the time) and I feel I’d be selfish for splitting the family up just because I’m not in love with their daddy. I don’t know what to do.

Are you still suffering pnd? It might be worth giving medication etc a bit longer on case it's that numbing you towards him, as it can take a good while to get back to normal.

It may also be worth trying relationship counselling before you make any final decisions.

I suffered with PND after the birth of my last child and really didn't feel well again until she was almost 3. I think you should have a telephone consultation with your GP or a chat with your health visitor first of all. It could be the depression that is clouding your judgement.

No I’m a lot better, used CBT which worked a treat. He doesn’t ‘do’ therapy, but it’s an idea

I think this is a completely normal way to feel with two small children.
There's not much time to be alone as a couple is there. Or go out and enjoy the things you used to enjoy. There's a lot of sitting in all evening. But that's parent hood. Some bits are pretty bloody boring and what you want and need is often put to one side. Don't give up on your DH & family unit yet. It sounds very salvageable if you're willing to try.

OP i don't want to belittle your feelings by assuming its pnd related, because ultimately while the truth is that marriage can be shit with very young children, how he treated you and cared for you when you needed him will always stay with you. I say this from experience.

Mine are older now, and our marriage is happy. But I can't let go of how he didn't "get" mental health (unless it's his own, it seems)and how lonely it was. It will stay with me forever and I lost alot of love for him over it. I stay because everything else is genuinely good enough to forgive, but I can't forget.

If that's not the case for you then leaving is probably better. Go find your happy.

I don't think you should be making decisions right now, until you are feeling better.

Don't give up on your DH & family unit yet. It sounds very salvageable if you're willing to try

You are till in the difficult phase with 2 small children so it is worth waiting. Also I think there is a slump around the 10years mark but it doesn't mean it won't ever be better again.

Even a good marriage will have lows and I would never advocate divorce unless there is abuse as it is not an easy path for anyone. My DC would love for their parents to be together, especially when there are family occasions...if you have a chance to save your relationship, take it.

From another point of view, I'm an adult child of parents who 'stayed together for the children' and divorced as soon as the youngest left home. It made me feel my childhood memories of Christmas and birthdays and holidays were all fake. It took me and my siblings a long time to come to terms with it.