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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did you split up with your OH because they wouldn't/can't talk about things?

51 replies

fluffybiscuit · 10/09/2007 14:43

Regular poster ... namechanger ... you know the score

It looks like dh and I are on the verge of splitting up. Main reason being, he is a talker and I'm not. We have rows which go unresolved for days because I just don't discuss the situation. I hold my hands up - I'm crap at it! I know it's usually the bloke who doesn't talk, well its me in this one. But is it something that people actually get to splitting up point over? Just wondering if dh is being unreasonable by telling me he is leaving because I don't discuss things with him.

OP posts:
slim22 · 10/09/2007 15:11

a bad one

MellowMa · 10/09/2007 15:11

Message withdrawn

hanaflower · 10/09/2007 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fluffybiscuit · 10/09/2007 15:14

Um slim - yes I do. I think the fact that I am cringing and thinking "I hope to god he never reads this" kind of confirms it!

I love him so much and am devastated at the idea that he might leave, and feel terrible about how this will affect the kids, but at the same time I have lost the will to try and resolve this, which speaks volumes I think.

OP posts:
slim22 · 10/09/2007 15:16

that's what my mum and dad did for 30 years. It only got better after menopause. She just got her groove back and unleashed. It stopped him right there and they had a second honeymoon.
However, they are from the generation that did not divorce.....

fluffyanimal · 10/09/2007 15:17

Poor you fb, I feel dreadful for you. But you can't live your life treading on eggshells so that he won't blow up. And what if he turns out to be the same way with the children? It sounds like this man has really squashed your personality.

Original poster
fluffybiscuit · 10/09/2007 15:19

on the odd occasion I have unleashed and said what I really thought then it has been like ww3. I know I can be selfish and self-centred but I don't think that dh can see that he can be selfish and make mistakes too. Only I don't go apoplectic about it!

OP posts:
slim22 · 10/09/2007 15:19

fluffy it's not gonna get better unless you come out of your shell and sort him out. Only then will you get some respect. But he's got to back off if you do because you dont want to do a burton/taylor do you?

slim22 · 10/09/2007 15:21

I don't know fluffy maybe YOU should threaten him of leaving becauuse he is being abusive???????????

Original poster
fluffybiscuit · 10/09/2007 15:22

That's just it animal - I do feel like I'm tiptoeing around him all the time. To a point I can see that it's about making an effort and compromising on things so that you work well together as a team - but other times he will go ballistic over something I say or do and I have had no idea that it was coming/that I had said/done something wrong - so I'm constantly nervous of doing something wrong unintentionally iyswim.

I've never discussed our relationship on MN before - and I guess this is why - the more I say the more unreasonable he appears to be - it's very uncomfortable seeing it in black and white.

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffybiscuit · 10/09/2007 15:23

lol at burton/taylor!

No slim I don't think that would be constructive (though satisfying in the moment I guess!)

OP posts:
fluffyanimal · 10/09/2007 15:24

Oh you can't live like that, biscuit. I know it's always easy for threads like this to paint the OH as the bad guy, but that level of unpredictability is Not Good.

expatinscotland · 10/09/2007 15:25

i'd stop shouting and start packing, if i were you.

slim22 · 10/09/2007 15:31

well said fluffy animal. Unpredictable anger is tough on family life.
I remember having to tiptoe too as a teenager and that is not a good relationship reference to have.
It's mot a coincidence that my DH is the most mild mannered man I've ever met and I'm quite talkative.
How old are th kids?

slim22 · 10/09/2007 15:33

don't say that expat, she's trying to find a way to stay.

expatinscotland · 10/09/2007 15:35

And he's threatening to leave as a means of controlling her behaviour.

expatinscotland · 10/09/2007 15:35

Separating isn't the same as divorce.

Mumpbump · 10/09/2007 15:37

Counsellors don't apportion blame as far as I know. Their role is to help people communicate and suggest ways in which they might do so. I know that dh often felt ambushed when I used to try to talk to him so nowadays I will tell him (if I am calm enough) that I want to talk to him about x and when can he set aside time. That means he is psyched up for a "chat" and feels less out of control as he gets to pick the timing. Little things like that can help alot.

slim22 · 10/09/2007 15:40

couldn't agree more expat that's why I said earlier she should pre-empt it and threaten him to leave because of his abusive behaviour.
But for that she needs the will to get into a fight.

slim22 · 10/09/2007 15:42

getting late here and DH just asked how much time I've spent on Mn tonight........will be thinking of you fluffy.
take care

annieatno4 · 10/09/2007 16:01

Hi,
Iam a talker and DH isnt - we have had a few issues of recent and we have found our communication lacking. I, too was also a shouter! Iam not making excuses but it was sheer frustation, situations making me unhappy but Dh not wanting to talk about it.

So now, if it gets too much we text - yes even when in the same house, and we email. It takes out the shouting and the confrontation.
And things are so much better, we have found some middle ground.
Hope this is of some help
Good luck
Annie

MellowMa · 10/09/2007 16:03

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LoveAngel · 10/09/2007 16:23

My DH has tradiitonally been shite at discussing our relationship issues and it has made things very difficult between us in the past, to the extent that I left him at one stage because I felt I got no response from him over serious issues that I needed to talk about. Eventually we went to Relate and he did open up a bit and has changed quite a bit since then. He is still naturally inclined to bottle things up, which I have learned to respect, but he makes a much bigger effort to comunicate his feelings now. I just have to keep the pressure off him and let him come to me in his own time.

Maybe counselling would help you both?

Peachy · 10/09/2007 16:28

It was a big factor in my split from xp, yes (just before the wedding, no kids). But he was excessive- he could go days without saying anything unless you bullied him into it. Knowing what I know now, i would swear he's on the autistic spectrum and although the split was right, I do regret not helping him get adequate support.

Agree with Xp thast you ahve to be similar in your approaches- i will talk things out for days until I have it all sorted in my head and Dh is the same (sometimes), noether is better- but you have to be on the same wavelength

MellowMa · 11/09/2007 12:45

Message withdrawn