My partner and I have been together for 4 years, minus a little break where we called it a day last year. We are very different people and were friends before we were together. He’s not been the best of people in our relationship but loves me so much- it’s visibly clear he does. We haven’t necessarily had anything happen since we have been back together- well, nothing new. He’s smoked a hell of a lot of weed (£60ish a week) for the last ten years so it doesn’t even affect him anymore, I think it’s a coping mechanism for his anxieties. We are only mid 20s, have no physical love life, even this year alone we’ve had sex around 4 times and only 2 of which were successful. I’ve told him loads of times over the years that our sex life wasn’t normal for our age, and now it’s to the point where I really don’t want it because so much has happened, and I almost feel dirty when we do get physical as he’s quite a selfish lover and I feel has it built up for weeks and weeks then just shoves it in to get it out of his system. It’s horrible.He hasn’t got a lot going for him, as harsh as that sounds, and rarely wants to do anything at all other than watching TV. He works really hard so could just be knackered but even on the few occasions he does spark an interest in something, he will never do anything about it, e.g he really wanted to start driving after I began lessons, so his dad bought him ten lessons. The envelope is still unopened and in a drawer where it’s been since Christmas. I’m very energetic and always like to be outside when it’s sunny, as I don’t like the feeling of wasting life away. I’ve done courses, learnt to drive, booked our holidays, made loads of friends and actually feel confident that I’m living a life. It’s really hard being with someone who only seems interested in watching TV and wasting their cash on weed.
We’ve tried talking about this several times but it turns into massive arguments and somehow it’s me in the wrong. I’m never harsh, passive aggressive or anything when we speak, and I’m usually quite nice about it all as I know how easy it is for him to turn it into something heated. The chat happened again yesterday and it turned fiery very quickly where I unfortunately lost my temper. I’m usually a really lovely, cool as a cucumber and completely understandable person, but I feel I now have some built up resentment as he has started making odd comments when I go out a maximum of twice a month with work colleagues. We both work in education, in the same setting, both live together too so it’s awkward. The end of yesterday’s chat resulted in him sitting next to me, sobbing and telling me “I don’t know how we are going to get past this” and me saying “me either.” But somehow life continues as normal. I have tried breaking up with him on several occasions as I’m not happy with our love. I know he loves me but I want passion, a spark, to feel physically wanted, to be able to have people over without being told not to answer the door because he’s high, I want to go out and do stuff, I want to finish my course and move away. There’s so much going on. I think our love is more like close friendship than anything else, and I feel when we do break up, it’ll be heartbreaking because I will lose him for good as I know I’ll have to be harsh, for him to let me go. Has anyone else ever had that happen? Partners not letting them go? I’m not sure if he’s manipulated me into staying, made me feel guilty as he has nothing else? I get paid very little and also have the worry about affording to live solo, I’d definitely need a room mate. It’s terrible timing what with the virus, and I’m still in working with the vulnerable kids so need to play it right. I’m not sure whether to wait a few months until isolation is over (hopefully) and then approach it again, so it’ll be less of a shock, and just say I think we are just friends? Maybe that’ll work? Help!