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Original poster

DD tells me she's pregnant

44 replies

gingerninger · 10/09/2007 14:05

My 22 year old has told me today that she is 10 weeks pregnant. She is at university in her last year of Ba Education the other side of the county to where we live. We have not met the boy didn't even know she was seeing anyone.
I told her everything would be fine, and not to worry but am concerned how will we manage financially as I am a mature student so on a grant for the next yr or so. HHHEEEELLLPPPPPP

OP posts:

uberalice · 10/09/2007 15:12

Can you please give the OP a break? She has a 22 year old dd so she's of a different generation from some of you, I'd guess. And she probably has better manners too.

Egypt · 10/09/2007 15:23

VP - I'm confused. What exactly are you having a problem with here?

DaDaDa · 10/09/2007 15:41

Yes VP, how very unreasonable of a Mother to care about her daughter. What do you expect a 'modern' parent would do?

looks up from magazine, languidly "Oh so you're pregnant darling, how marvellous. Pass the sugar will you?"

hanaflower · 10/09/2007 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 10/09/2007 15:46

Oh it must be very worrying, congratulations to you all though. (Crikey - you are going to be a grandma AND a student ).

I'm sure she'll make decisions that are right for her and the baby.

There is plenty of help available - surestart, benefits, etc. (Dont know much about this side of things - have always worked through pgs and returned afterwards except for a short period out of work - sorry!)

If this year is her last at Uni - I presume she'll have most of it done by April? Or am I mistaken?

shakenvac · 10/09/2007 15:54

Having a baby at any age requires compromises. Things might be easier if she was part of a committed couple but who knows, everyone has problems. I am a single mother myself. It is very important that she finishes her degree, one way or another. As others have said, there are ways of doing this and the University will help. It might be a bit tough (financially and otherwise) for her and for you for a few years but it is a happy thing and a good thing to have your child (children) early, for health and other reasons. Instead of agonising over her career and her diminishing fertility in her mid-thirties like so many of us these days, it is not unlikely that she will be in a good position, with a career, a good relationship (with the father or someone else), etc.. It makes sense to have your children early and you will not be an elderly grandmother which is good. She is an adult so you might discuss whether it is better for her to live with you or to get a place of her own near you. I'm not sure which would be better financially but, if you are studying too, you might want to preserve your own space, might cause less friction.

LoveAngel · 10/09/2007 16:19

I totally understand that, as her mum, you are worrieds. But 22 isn't 14. She is an adult, and if she is sure she wants the baby, she will find a way to cope - hopefully with your full support. The bloke sounds a drip. Not much good saying you aren't ready to be a dad when the baby's on its way...perhaps his family need to be informed?

Mercy · 10/09/2007 16:30

Your dd's college should have a Welfare Officer that she can speak to - I'd make him/her my first port of call tbh.

Also, on the financial front your dd will be entitled to Child Tax Credit (is it still more for a baby under one?) plus the usual Child Benefit. Not a fortune I know, but it's something at least.

And what about the baby's father's contribution...............?

Good Luck to your dd (and you too, of course!)

littleducks · 10/09/2007 16:31

i think everyone should give the op a break, she is obv worried about her daughter and came looking for advice, as she says herself she isnt saying this to her dd but to us and should be offered practical solutions and tips.

I think she should tell someone at uni asap, maybe student services or a trusted tutor who can provide her with options ie, delaying her final (as she would do if taken ill) or doing more work while she is pregnant and trying to do everything she can vbefore baby is due. This obv depends on course and uni, and dates of finals. There will be different financial help available depending on what she chooses to do, eg childcare is an option if she delays.

You should ensure she is registered with a doc near her uni and arrange proper antenatal care there even if she plans to return home for the birth.

ally90 · 10/09/2007 16:47

Okay...

'the boy'. He's not a boy, he is a man. Even if he obviously wants to be a child and not take responsibility for a new life he helped bring into being. Treat him like a child and he will most likely act like one. And your dd may get riled...if he's a 'boy' she must be just a 'girl' not an adult about to become a mother for the first time.

Also made me at 'we have not met the boy and didn't even know she was seeing anyone'. She may have wanted to keep it private that she sees men and doesn't marry them! I would not have told my family how many men I did or didn't see...let an adult keep what she wants private.

Also...how to manage financially, 'money is very tight at out house but we have to support her whatever!' she can manage that as an adult. Help her if she asks for it, but she's big enough to look after herself now (and old enough to get pg and decide to keep the baby!) and more than capable of talking to social security and asking what she is entitled to.

I feel concerned you are treating her and the father to be, like children. Just take a deep breath, think back to how you were when you were pg at around that age, take a fresh look at your dd, she's a mature adult now, capable of having a baby, coping and looking after herself financially. And I guess you may also have told her how hard it was to be pg at that age and she's been a little child and done as you told her not to do...but we only learn from our OWN mistakes, not others, not even our mothers.

On the positive side...'I told her everything would be fine, and not to worry' that bit is great! I understand you are worried about her future and money, but LET her have the responsibilities of a parent to be, that is to worry about HER future and HER finances. If she needs help she will ask.

Having said all that, I have no experience of any of what you have talked about so feel free to ignore my advice

LilRedWG · 10/09/2007 16:50

I think this young lady is lucky to have such supportive parents - please give the OP a break!

ally90 · 10/09/2007 17:14

Yes she is lucky to have parents that don't disown her. However, the op asked for advice. It is obviously going to cause gn to be emotional about it all. But the wording of the post is such that I feel gn is trying to take the responsibilities away from dd and helping TO much. GN I just feel you should rebalance your relationship with dd. You will inevitably feel stressed and worried...but your dd can and should take responsibility for her life. I feel you just need to release the apron strings a little more

It is a positive step coming on here and airing worries to us first

DaDaDa · 10/09/2007 17:19

FFS! Gingerninja sounds very supportive and loving. You'd think from some of these posts she'd flown into a Victorian frenzy of shame and denial.

Maybe wait til your own kids are grown up and see how easily you cut the apron strings then eh? All she wants is the best for her daughter's future and advice on how best to support her.

DaDaDa · 10/09/2007 17:21

X posts with the 'apron strings' comments Ally; wasn't aimed exclusively at you.

PeterDuck · 10/09/2007 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Peachy · 10/09/2007 17:31

I'm 10 weeks pg and at uni, I have a dh (phew!) but its workable even with three older kids, 2 with sn.

I ahve the option of deferring the final year and doing next year, or going ahead- my dissertation will e done early as its due a week after the baby, my finals are when baby will be about 2 months old.

I am not in any way thinking its going to be an easy ar, but it is doable. The Uni will have a student support dept who can chat through arrangements with her, and many unis have info on their webistes about their pregnancy regulations.

She's presumably due in the easter hols, which may be a help.

lailasmum · 10/09/2007 17:31

I don't know about her specific degree but quite often the last term or so are very much dissertation led and you can do a lot from home. If she does have to be there it may be she can defer a semester and finish the following year. Would be good for her to get as much done as possible and unis are usually really understanding as there are so many mature students around at the mo.

mytwopenceworth · 10/09/2007 17:50

Well, congrats.

Only thing, can I say...."The boy doesnt want to be a parent (yet)"

Too late. He is. That ship has sailed. Make him understand that.

She is an adult, and responsible for herself - and the baby.

It's great that you want to support her, but my advice would be not to create dependence on you. She may come to rely on it and then to expect it and then to demand it. Far better to support her and encourage her to be independent, with help from you, not bankrolling.

She's not a child, she's a grown woman and about to be a mother. Now is the time to start to change your relationship from mother and dependent child to mother and adult offspring, iyswim!

And finally.......

YAY, you're going to be a GRANDMA!!

Lovely baby snuggles and fun and you get to pass them back and go home when they screech!!!!

TheQueenOfQuotes · 10/09/2007 18:04

Congrats - I couldn't help smilig at the thread juxtoposition -

DD tells me she's pregnant

and directly underneaht

The next stage of my life WILL be better

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