Anyone out there? I need to have a moan :(

[Daisychain19]

Sorry for such a moany post but I'm really down and need someone to listen. I don't have anyone that i can rely on, just my mum and now with everything going on, I cannot see her.

My DH doesn't care about me. He rarely tells me he loves me anymore, he doesn't sit by me, he barely hugs me. I've sat feeling quite upset and he's just been on his phone then went to sleep. I thought he'd put a bit of effort in today to give me a break. Especially as last year I was sat in NICU with our youngest...
As always, i sorted out MIL gift and card, as well as my own card from the kids because I couldn't trust that he'd get one. I gave him this days ago and he chose to get my toddler to scribble in it this morning - while I fed her breakfast. He said he didn't have time to do it before...
Then I made lunch but he waited for me to actually do it before he said that he was going to cook for me... He could've done dinner but didn't. He's not spoken to me all evening now because I told him a few truths (he doesn't help me when I need it, he'll watch me struggle with two toddlers before I have to ask him to help me and even then it might take a couple of asks. Leaves everything down to me etc). He said I blame him for everything. When I ask what he means/can he give me an example - he can't. I don't know what I've done wrong. I just want to feel cared about.. I wish I could run away but now I'm stuck in this house for the foreseeable.
I feel so anxious my chest hurts all the time and I feel like I can't breathe.

I;m so sorry OP, he is a selfish arse who doesn't care about you. Personally if I was you, and you can't get away from him for now, stop doing anything for him. Why are you buying HIS mother a card? Stop doing things like that. Stop cooking for him and washing his clothes. He doesn't deserve any of it!

Do you have to stay there? I’ve got friends who aren’t getting on with their partners and they’ve made the decision to ride out isolation at their family home/with parents. It might be better for your mental state to be around support right now

Oh OP, the hard sad fact is he doesn’t care enough about you. You should not have to ask for him to step up and be a decent partner. You shouldn’t need to ask for respect or affection. It will be difficult now to do anything in the current climate but use this time to really think and reflect about what you want from a relationship and to use a well worn MN phrase, get your ducks in a row. When thing ease. Sit him down and tell him it is not working for you the way it is. he either shapes up or ships out!

Stop running after him. Just do for yourself and the dc.

Stop managing his family relationships for him. Covering for him just feeds into his sense that he's too important to have to think of others (and that includes you).

Ok start making plans to leave him after the virus has passed. Use this time wisely.

I know I shouldn't sort out his mother's stuff but I feel very much responsible. Everyone always looks to me if something's not done so I feel his mother might take offence if I don't. Silly I know.
Unfortunately I don't have anywhere else to go.
Thank you all for replying - it's made me see that it's not all in my head and I'm not overreacting. He doesn't see it at all. I don't know what he thinks a marriage is but this isn't it.

So she takes offence. So what? You simply say "your son must have forgotten".

What exactly are you afraid of? Why are you running yourself ragged while he scratches his arse?

Are you afraid of being seen as a "bad wife"? He's not afraid of being a shit partner.

He has well and truly checked out of your relationship and is making no effort.

It sounds like you need to have a candid conversation with him and get him to admit that his heart isn't in it anymore.

Clear the air once and for all and decide if you have a future together. He can't keep avoiding it and blaming you.

I don't know, she would never say anything but I'd feel so awkward when she found out I'd gone out and got my mum something and not her. I guess everyone knows I do all the shopping so expect me to do it all?
I think I'm scared of people having a bad impression of me and that I'm a bad wife or something. I know I sound pathetic but I have nothing and I'm scared of losing the little I have. I feel so desperate to feel loved. He says he loves me but clearly doesn't show it. He's a laid back guy anyway and everyone knows it.. but I don't feel that should excuse this. I don't even wear my wedding ring anymore.. and he knows. He says he wants me to wear it but hasn't tried to give it back. He says he doesn't know what to say to make it better..

It's our anniversary soon and I know he hasn't got a card but I have one for him... It's so awkward. I plan ahead, he doesn't. I'm not materialistic at all so no need for a big song and dance, just a thoughtful card will do me. I really don't ask for much.. I just want to feel appreciated, loved, worth something and just important to him.

He sounds like a lazy, selfish, entitled arse. Definitely stop facilitating his relationship with his own mother.

Hi Daisychain19. I just wanted to say you’re not alone. Your DH sounds exactly like mine. I know that’s no help to you but I wanted to send you a virtual hug and xxx

@Minimamame thank you. How do you cope?
He's still not spoken to me this morning. I really must mean f all to him. Absolutely breaks my heart, it really does.

You sound like your self esteem is through the floor, tbh. You hurry to assure us you're not materialistic about your anniversary, but actually it's pretty normal to expect a gift etc. You do deserve nice things. You do deserve acknowledgement and care.

I think you should start looking for ways to build your own self-worth, assertiveness and dropping the people-pleasing.

He is not speaking to you to punish you for complaining. Pretend that you don’t notice.

Get on with life and ignore him. Make plans to leave - contact council re housing? Don’t do stuff fir him or mil. Don’t give him an anniversary card - it screams You’re a mug and idiot.

You are too kind hearted, doing everything for others at the expense of your own self worth. Your 'husband' is behaving like another child & you need to shock him into pulling his weight in the home. Could you take up a nice hobby which entails you getting out of the house say one night a week (to begin with!)so that he has to cope alone? Oh, and be sure to leave him a pile of ironing & dishes to wash. This is just for starters.

I think I'm scared of people having a bad impression of me and that I'm a bad wife or something.

I totally get where you are coming from , as I’ve got older it has become so much easier to not give a crap what people think of me . My DH have been together for 20 years , I’ve always gone above and beyond yet despite that , she is judgemental, negative and is spiteful about me to my children . I no longer have any kind of meaningful interaction with her .
In short , I wouldn’t stress myself out , especially at this time . Let your DH sort his mother’s stuff out . It’s not your job .
He’s ignoring you because you dated tell him a few home truths . Teenagers tend to react in similar ways .
I would use this time to make some tough decisions , to stay or leave . If it’s leave , do what research you can into your options, and be ready when life starts getting back to normal . Good luck . This is such a horrendous time for so many people