I asked partner for more affection - got told I am needy

[Caroline789]

Partner and I have been together for 14 months and moved in together a few weeks ago. I feel like perhaps I am struggling with the change of dynamic in the relationship now.

Partner was always very affectionate, he kind of pursued me, and has always been very complimentary, affectionate and made me feel sexually desired.

However, the past few months I feel our physical affection has started to change.

I am a very touchy feely person, and I love physical touch. I love to give and I love to receive. Kisses, cuddles, holding hands on the sofa, all these things make me feel happy, loved, wanted and cared for. Even though I know he still loves me wants me ect, I have been feeling like he just hasn't been initiating any affection like he used to. He is still acting the same in other ways, but just not as physical with me. I have been going to him for kisses and cuddles and trying to inittate things, but I feel like he just isnt responding how he used to.

I decided to talk to him about it tonight and his response was that I am being too needy and that he didn't realise he was doing "anything wrong". He said why can't I be okay with a normal amount of affection, why do I demand so much? He also said he can feel my neediness and that just makes him feel nervous and that he doesnt get a chance to make the first move.

This upset me because I feel like "needy" is used is a negative way, and I feel like I am being shamed for needing affection. But I'm feeling anxious. All the stuff going on in the world right now and I start a new job in the NHS tomorrow (so who knows what I will walk into) and I just feel a bit fragile. I know I so struggle with paranoia in relationships so when he says that he didnt notice he was doing anything differently, I do think it is just all in my head? But things do feel different. But maybe that is because we live together now so it feels different.

I dont want our affection to die out and change :( I've never lived with a partner before and I'm so scared of us losing the spark, turning into roommates rather than being lovers that maybe I am overly vigilant of the fact we havent been as physical? Is it all in my head? Should I be offended by being called needy? If I ask for more affection shouldn't your partner try to accommodate that?

Since we have moved in and the lovely social distancing from Coronavirus, I gues

Hmmm... if he's changed, there's a reason for it, or you're just not compatible in that way? I couldn't be with someone who didn't meet my needs, especially not so early on.

Maybe he's just a bit touched out? I couldn't bear being held, kissed and pawed at all the time.

You would drive me mad op. I'm not a very affectionate person and you needing so much wouldn't work for me. However, if he has given lots in the past and has now stopped then I would think something has changed for him.

Maybe he knows he doesn't need to p bother as much now you live together. If be concerned about how it's being batted back to you.
If is you, I'd be on alert to see if he makes a habit that all the bad things are your fault, never his! This smacks of the beginnings of you desperately trying to 'communicate' the obvious ego him and him refusing to admit he knows he's being a twat and instead watch you tie yourself in knots.
Read why does he do that by Bancroft Lundy

If you are very tactile, and I am, then you need someone who is the same, otherwise you will feel rejected.

My DP and I gave always cuddle on the sofa, he will grab my hand all the time, kisses, cuddles at bedtime, inside the house and out. It makes me feel so loved.

My ex I had to force the affection and then it felt false, it built up resentment and I had to leave.

Talk to him about how it makes you feel to be lived and cuddled, if he can't or won't reciprocate can the relationship survive?

It sounds as though his true colours are showing now. Whats your housing situation? Is it possible that you may have been targeted by him wanting somewhere to live, or a live-in housekeeper who pays half the bills?

I think you need to accept the honeymoon phase ends, it’s really not normal to be sitting every night holding hands kissing and cuddling on the sofa. Different if you don’t live together and see each other less often, but not when you’re living together, it would drive me nuts if my husband wanted me to sit and kiss and cuddle him and hold his hand every night.

I think it’s not so much his behaviour is odd, it’s more about your insecurity, why the need for the constant affirmation.

It's not very nice been called needy. Everyone has different levels of affection. My ex wife wasn't very affectionate, we got on in other ways, however in the end it all became too much for us.

I thought it was me, however, multi dating since the divorce showed me that there are vast differences in personalities. Far too broad to label someone as needy, if you want affection find someone similar.

Girlfriend was telling me she dated one man who made her sit on a separate couch when they were together. Another refused to hold hands or cuddle. Then both complained she wasn't forth coming with intimacy.

Girlfriend is nicknamed Koala, because she's glued to me at all times, very, very affectionate, tactile and loving. It's perfect. We always cuddle, hold hands, talk for hrs, have sex.

People have different definitions of what they want out of relationships, not everyone's the same, don't let the naysayers put you off.

What would concern me is his reaction to your needs. He seems to have responded defensively, invalidating you (so you think it's in your head) and blaming (you are needy). That isn't a healthy response.

Lets assume he has changed, was his response ok. Or maybe you are needing more affection was his response kind?

I have people in my life who sometimes need more affection, if they raise it, why would I not want to respond kindly as I love them?

Be wary of a partner who pursues and then changes when you have made a commitment, such as moving in together.

Be wary of a partner who pursues and then changes when you have made a commitment, such as moving in together
Really?
I thought most couples notice a shift in their relationship when they move in together because almost nobody is on date night mode 24/7.

Like others, whilst I enjoy some cuddles and affection, I would find a partner wanting cuddles all the time, hand holding every day, always initiating physical contact to be quite needy. It would drive me to want my own space even more because I'd always be thinking 'i could read in the lounge, but they'll take that as an invitation to snuggle, so I'll pick a different room'.

Of course, there's others who find that level of contact fine, but then they need a partner who also wants date night/not living together levels of physical affection 24/7 as well.

Is there any physical affection? Or has he back pedalled on kissing and touching all together?

It's amazing how many men say they 'love PDA's' but really only want them when they are feeling like sex. Nothing kills sexual desire for a woman faster than a man who only ever touches them when they're feeling horny.

If he's still touching you and kissing you without wanting sex, you may have to accept that you're just a bit full on for him and his need to touch is less than yours. Can you live with that? You could also try asking him why he was fine with it when you weren't living together and why, now you are, it's suddenly 'needy'.

Surprised at some of these responses, the honey moon period is a real thing.

It looks like people fall into two different camps. Those who expect the level of physical affection at the start of a relationship to continue throughout a relationship and when living together, and those who don’t.

I don’t. As said, if my husband was asking me to sit and cuddle and kiss him every night and hold hands whilst watching the telly it would give me the ick and I’d find it deeply unattractive, needy and suffocating.

Op, maybe you’re not compatible ultimately. It sounds like your in the camp where you wish this level of affection continuously. And he’s in the same camp as me, it’s needy and too much.

I’m not even sure a compromise can be had, he can’t force himself to sit there and hold your hand for a set period, or cuddle you on the sofa for a set time each night, it would get old fast. But you need that affirmation and affection .

Ultimately I think you need to be with someone who is like you and with you in the first camp.

I think telling you you are needy is very self invalidating. My advice would be to move on to someone more compatible. If he's pushing you away at this stage imagine years down the line or if you have a baby together.

The dynamic is wrong.

I 100% agree with you Bluntness100.

The OP asks if a partner should change to give more physical affection if the other wants it. Beyond small changes between two people with similar expectations, I'm not sure that's the answer. Why should the onus on the non physically affectionate person to do more and fundamentally change their approach to accommodate the touchy feely partner? That's as wrong as expecting someone who is very touchy feely to abstain from almost all physical displays of affection. Sometimes people have different love languages and different preferences on levels of physical contact. Neither is right or wrong, but expecting large changes is wrong.

Agree, neither is right or wrong. It is just different people.

Ultimately the op needs to be with someone who long term wants that level of affection, the sitting night after night holding hands and cuddling on the sofa. He ultimately needs to be with someone who doesn’t need that validation and is quite self sufficient.

I think if either my husband or I had wanted that level of daily affection the relationship simply wouldn’t have lasted. The one who didn’t wish it, would view the other as the ops partner is viewing her, as needy and all a bit too much.

Neither is wrong, people shouldn’t be reading something malicious into it, they just are different people and their needs don’t match. He can’t be forced to do it, he will get touched out and get the ick, and she can’t do without it, because she feels paranoid as she says when she doesn’t get it.

Ultimately the op needs to be with someone who long term wants that level of affection, the sitting night after night holding hands and cuddling on the sofa. He ultimately needs to be with someone who doesn’t need that validation and is quite self sufficient.

Yep, this. You’re just not that compatible. Neither of you will be happy or able to compromise on this for long.