I don’t know what to do about my family

[crispysausagerolls]

I posted a few weeks ago then deleted the thread as I ended up giving away too many details:

My family laid into my about my DH unfairly. They have caused considerable upset. My relationship with them is very up and down - we spend too much time together and are too involved in each other’s lives and I am the punching bag of the family whilst my brothers get away with murder.

Since this dispute, one brother has apologised and we have moved on. The other and his fiancée have absolutely avoided me, did not text or call on my birthday which was hurtful as I always make a huge effort for them, and have not offered to make amends for the unpleasant things they said.

My mother....DH and I have asked my mother repeatedly to apologise. She is someone who hates apologies and just won’t do it. It’s very awkward - she lives round the corner, she sees DS frequently and we share a horse and there are practicalities we must discuss several times a week about this. I don’t know what to do. I don’t see why she should be allowed to come round to our place and other such stuff if she won’t apologise for being so fucking nasty. I am really looking for a way to compartmentalise everything but due to DS and horse I can’t shut her out. Even now if she doesn’t come
round to isolation she is still constantly messaging re DS and the horse! Some of it is pleasant and helpful it’s a complete head fuck tbh.

I don’t see why she should be allowed to come round to our place and other such stuff if she won’t apologise for being so fucking nasty.

She is allowed to come over because you allow her to come over.

If you don’t want this tell her. Once. Not repeatedly once.

Tell her that the situation can’t continue how it is. Until there is a heartfelt apology with a determined move towards change she is not to contact you.

Block her from your sons phone and explain boundaries to him.

You have always allowed this behaviour so she will continue. It’s only after you establish your boundaries and prove you are serious despite the guaranteed tantrums, that this will change.

Thank you so much for the advice. You are all right and I will use this situation to change the dynamic entirely.

Because it sounds as if you are living your whole life asking..."why are they like this?

This is so true. this is exactly how I feel. Part of the reason we had to rush through a huge renovation project on our house and are now moving in on Friday, is because one brother wanted to move into this flat we are renting from my mother (at full rent). They have now decided after months of stress from us and us basically having 0 option but to vacate as we are already half in the other place, that they are not moving. It’s now my fault that my mother will not be receiving rent, apparently.

I really, really want to distance myself. I want to stop sending nice messages just to get something back. Does anyone have any advice on how to mentally view or compartmentalise to just not feel so rejected or sad by all of this? Unfortunately lockdown doesn’t help with all the extra time to think! Things like the move and them
Deciding not to after all our stress and effort...it makes me so furious. How can I just let it go - I don’t want these emotions to have any hold over me and I want to just be able to not give a fuck about any of it

Have you looked at the stately homes thread?

Have you researched family dynamics? Scapegoats, golden child etc

Have you looked up the FOG.? Fear obligation and guilt?

Have you look at the Daughters of narcissist mothers website?

There is loads you could be doing while in lock down. And lock down gives you an excuse to keep away.

Stop wondering why your family are so awful and seeing if you can fix them. It won’t happen, they are who they are and you can change their behaviour but you can change yours.
You know what they are like, you’ve had years of experience but you still seem surprised by what they do.
Disengage as much as possible and try to stop caring what they think about you and your DH

All the advice on what to do is good.
Doing it in theory is great, but in reality it will take time and it will bring up a lot of emotions. It's not easy. You've got to unlearn a whole lifetime of how you were parented, and deal with all the anger and grief that brings up.
Basically, starting again.
It's hard. I hope you have support.
Don't justify yourself to friends or family that tell you to accept it. Don't.

I’ve pulled back. Toys have been absolutely and utterly thrown out of prams. Staying strong.

My only real concern is who can have DS when I’m in labour in 3 months if we pull back and she can’t (assuming restrictions are over and someone else can have him).

Well done! That can’t have been easy. Your lives will be better. From what you write, there is a big risk she might try and alienate your children against you, to have them on her side and prove how shit a mother you are and how brilliant a grandmother she is. She sounds that vile.

Do you have a friend who could have DS?
I tend to catastrophize so I’d be telling myself that labouring just with the midwives wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world and it is the norm historically and across the world for fathers not to be present, - just so in the worse case scenario I could cope.
3 months is a long time away. You’ll probably find an alternative. It’s not a good enough reason now to undo all your good work.

I tend to catastrophize so I’d be telling myself that labouring just with the midwives wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world and it is the norm historically and across the world for fathers not to be present, - just so in the worse case scenario I could cope

Yes, I am the same! Keeping this in mind. DS is very clingy and never been with anyone else other than my mother or nanny by himself. I’m sure one or two friends would be fine to do it it would just make me feel guilty as it’s quite a big responsibility and because he might be upset, whereas I know he wouldn’t with my mother. But in reality I think he would probably be fine! It’s a shame as DH’s aunt is wonderful and she could have him but lives an hour away and first labour was very speedy so probably too far!

Does anyone have any advice on how to mentally view or compartmentalise to just not feel so rejected or sad by all of this?

Yes. It's not you, it's them. There is something wrong with them. You could invent a vaccine for C19 and they'd still find a way to criticise you. They can't see you, they can't see who you are and none of this is your fault. It's sad but you're never going to have the family you need and they are toxic to be around so be strong and keep doing what you're doing.

If it avoided having to reconnect with a family as ghastly as yours....I would suggest you call a taxi and get yourself to the hospital on your own...and leave your husband to mind your son.

I would keep things simple and practical.

The payback for their help is enormous and just not worth it.

OP, try living your life without all this drama.

Most people, who genuinely don't want to have drama in their life don't...or keep it to an absolute minimum.

There are usually always ways to avoid drama.
There are usually strategies that can be used.

There are usually other choices that can be made, some may be a bit challenging, or inconvenient, but still they can be made to avoid a life filled without drama.

Try thinking about that, and the tough alternatives that other people sometimes find and make to avoid drama, and those that love it.

Wishing you strength