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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Wtf should I do?

18 replies

southern82 · 22/03/2020 17:40

This is a complicated story, but I'm getting divorced from a man who abused me physically and emotionally for 10 years. He used to knock me out all the time etc.
I've left and I'm living with our 9 year old son who is autistic and has tried several times to take his life.
My son hasn't seen his dad for nearly 3 years due to the abuse, I'm currently going through the courts. My son has a social worker as we are on a child in need plan, so my boy is very vulnerable.
It was my boys birthdays last week and not one of my ex husbands family bothered to send a card etc. This left my son very upset and he thinks everyone hates him.
I sent a message to ex mil and said you only live down the road, why have you not sent a card? My boy is crying and self harming etc. She stated she had sent it to the wrong address, despite the fact we live 5 mins away. I asked if she could ring royal mail in help with getting the mail back.
Her daughter sent me this message and I'm fuming...what do I do?

It’s now time to leave my mum alone and stop contacting her, failure to comply with this request will leave me more formal options to precede with. There is a solicitor appointed for [[NAME REMOVED] which contact can be coordinated via at this time.

If you truly knew and understood the state of the country right now then you wouldn’t ask my mum to continue her efforts to locating REMOVED card. My parents are now in isolation for likely, the next 6 months. It’s my role to feed them and ensure that no one leads or encourages them to step foot into society.

I sympathise with REMOVED situation, it must be very difficult. My own friends work with autistic adults and their daily talk of their own situations and now increased daily challenges this virus complexity brings is truly awful.

When I get the opportunity, hopefully today, when I can escape the numerous government and army command meetings I’ll get another card over from my mum. Not ideal for REMOVED but some impact limitation to his feelings.

Now I ask you again to leave my mum alone, no contact needed from you to her. Should either my parents fall ill or should I find they have put themselves in harms way for anything but medical care then the consequences of having no parents and no future with them in it would be horrific for all.

I trust you will do the right thing for this period of uncertainty to our lives. If REMOVED needs anything in the near future let me know and I’ll do my best. I’ve a voucher for REMOVED for the entertainer, when we are through the worst and limitations to essential travel are over I’ll take him to get something exciting. And I’ve a new little dog called Frank who he might like to meet.

Be safe.

[EDITED BY MNHQ TO REMOVE NAMES]

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 22/03/2020 17:43

I have a similar situation and my son has found it easier to cut all cot at
Out of sight out of mind is the way his autistic brain works

Fidgety31 · 22/03/2020 17:43

That should say cut all contact

southern82 · 22/03/2020 17:46

He doesn't have any other family, it's just me and him. I only moved here to be close to them..my boy is so upset. He has been putting things around his neck. I'm worried sick about him

OP posts:
DartmoorChef · 22/03/2020 17:48

I think you need to get mumsnet to take the names out of your post.

What you need to do is cut them all out. In time it will get easier for your son.

southern82 · 22/03/2020 17:52

I just feel very sad for my son, he literally has no one other than me. I only asked her to ring up Royal Mail, I wasn't aware Coronavirus can travel down telephone lines!

OP posts:
PositiveVibes11 · 22/03/2020 18:05

You need to get Mumsnet to edit your post to take all the names out.

strawberry2017 · 22/03/2020 18:21

No offence OP but I don't think Royal Mail are going to prioritise finding a possibly lost card. They will be running on limited staff trying to keep things moving and it won't be a priority to them. Plus unless she sent it recorded/signed for they won't be able to trace it.
I know it doesn't help your sons situation but all you can do is try to explain things to him and maybe if possible communicate with the daughter and maybe look at setting up a FaceTime or video call via WhatsApp. Something they may all enjoy.
The daughter is probably very stressed trying to run her own life and look after her elderly parents, I'd like to think she's just feeling very protective of them, however it's hard to judge why she jumps immediately to legal advice because we don't know your previous interactions with them.
I hope you and your DS are getting the support you need from the health services to support DS mental health but to also help you too.
You are doing an amazing job.

DwayneBenzie · 22/03/2020 18:23

Since he was so abusive, why are you trying to keep in touch with his family? You need to stop contacting them. Where are your friends and family? You should make plans in the longer term to relocate to be nearer them, if possible.

magicstar1 · 22/03/2020 18:29

I think the daughter sounds stressed with trying to look after her parents, and what she said is quite reasonable.
I’m sorry for your son’s upset, but there so much else going on at the moment.

Poppi89 · 22/03/2020 18:34

I would be so annoyed if I was you OP but I wouldn't bother with them anymore. If they don't want to be involved then that's their loss and you can't force someone to be involved if they don't want to be. I feel sorry for your son but at least he has someone like you who loves him.

southern82 · 22/03/2020 18:36

Do any of you have autistic suicidal children? Yes there is so much going on, but I live every day not knowing if my young son is going to try and commit suicide today again or not.
The card contained a large amount of cash, it's not just a card.
We only came out of hospital 7 days ago after trying to hang himself. I don't have any family of my own, that's why I moved near them so they could help with my son. They have never had anything to do with us since my son attempted suicide, apparently they can't handle the situation.

OP posts:
Poppi89 · 22/03/2020 18:41

So are you saying if they were involved he wouldn't be suicidal? How involved do you want them to be? At the moment the elderly or vulnerable are being advised to self-isolate and we are all meant to be social distancing ourselves selves so having lots of family around him could put them and him at risk. If it is the money you are concerned about you could message her back and say you don't have any money and was relying on it for food etc and is there any way to send some.

RLEOM · 22/03/2020 18:41

Although we don't know if you've "harassed" (I use that term lightly) the mum in the past, it seems a little far-fetched for one incident (the message).

I can't imagine how hard it is for you right now. I'd be beside myself. Why don't you send him a card from Moonpig etc from her yourself? Say it was late because of Coronavirus? I know it's not good to lie but it's better than having him in an emotional state like that. And maybe next year you could ask friends on Facebook to write him cards? I know it's not the same but it might help boost his spirits.

Crazycatperson · 22/03/2020 19:03

I didn't think she was being rude or unreasonable. She sounded a bit short and stressed. I think she cares about your boy but there's so much going on at the moment and her priority is her parents. Perhaps your son's social worker can give some advice about how to explain things if it's difficult at times, but to be fair, frontline social workers are fighting fires at the moment and seeing only the most vulnerable children so if your boy is on a child in need plan, there will be others on child protection plans and care orders who will be prioritised. I wish you well, it's not easy being a single parent, especially to a child with complex needs

Fidgety31 · 22/03/2020 19:10

Yes OP my son has Been in exact same situation and involved with camhs etc
He is only 10
I am a single parent too and have no family or other support but it was in my sons best interests to have no further contact with the fathers side of the family (him included) as it made him worse
Even though it makes life harder for me as I have no support

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 22/03/2020 19:10

Although I understand your situation is beyond difficult, she has parents who she is bearing all of the brunt for doing everything for, her own family, plus work, and it's a stressful time.

You're prioritising your child, and rightly so, as he only has you to care for him, but she is prioritising her parents, as they only have her to care for them.

I'm so sorry for your situation, and I wish you, and your son, well, but I dont think she was being unreasonable, just protective.

JaneJeffer · 22/03/2020 22:14

Could you get a card and pretend it's from them?

probablysue · 23/03/2020 16:15

I think you need help and it can’t be from them. Are you in touch with crisis and mental health teams?

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