Pregnant with second child, I want a divorce.

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Basically I am just so fed up of being taken from granted and treated like a piece of shit.
I am 28, been with my husband since I’ve been 18, married for 3 years. We have a beautiful almost 2yo daughter and I’m 13 weeks pregnant with our second.
Ever since falling pregnant with second, I’ve felt guilty for not being ecstatic about it. Don’t get me wrong it takes 2, I’m aware of that but after all we have been through, things have started to look better (I think I’m wearing rose tinted glasses) and so I was open to it and have always wanted my dd to have a sibling.
My husband has always has mental health issues, which turned into alcoholism around a year and half ago. Would stay out all night, not answer his phone, leaving me at home with my daughter worried sick.
This went on for far too long until I decided I was leaving him last July, so I did. Felt so so sad but actually liberated , although hopeful that things would get better as I yearned for our wee family to be together. We got back together, moved back into the house (which is in my name). He started going to aa, which he has since stopped. He’s not drinking again but has had several relapses since then, the last being in December.
As I said things got better, we got intimate again and I fell pregnant extremely quickly (the second time we had sex). So here I am 13 weeks pregnant. Haven’t actually had sex since I fell pregnant. He was happy about pregnancy and I can’t help but feel it’s because he has trapped me in our loveless marriage a bit longer. He is rude , disrespectful and so selfish towards me. I have done back to work fill time, he is not the sole earner and yet he expects me to most things , tidy up, get up with my daughter at nights/ mornings. He can I occasionally be loving and caring but I honestly feel it’s just over texts when we are at work as in person or when he’s in a mood its like walking on eggshells. I just want us to be happy and his behaviour is just unfair. Almost as if he misses drinking and is taking it out on me and dd.
I have a perfect little girl and we potentially have a lovely life here but he just ruins it with his awful attitude and I do genuinely think he doesn’t actually like me very much. Likes the idea of me being his wife but not much else. I know he knows I don’t want to divorce as I crave our little family unit but I’m just so unhappy I don’t know what to do. As much as it pains me to say aswell, I feel as if, if I lost this baby , it would be a sign to get out of here while I can. I would never do anything obviously and I know that’s an awful thing to say as I know people struggle TTC, I have close friends and family in that situation but it’s just the way I feel and it’s making me so so sad .

Just really looking for any advice as I just feel so lost.

I'm in a not dissimilar position OP, but I'm the one in recovery and it's extremely tough on even a solid marriage. AA and the like is a selfish process, it has to be for it to work, but if he's "working the programme" as they say, then he should be accepting of his problem and working through it. His relapses will become more and more frequent until he is drinking full time again. It took me years to realise this, I'm now 3 and a half years sober. Before it stuck for good I blamed my husband for everything, like he was the obstacle stood in my way. The fact you felt liberated is because you didn't have to put up with his shit anymore, and it is very hard living with an active alcoholic. How was he when you left him? Was it a wake up call for him? The danger is that this will just become a pattern. For what it's worth, my marriage is still standing because I worked really hard on myself, took everything he threw at me on the chin and accepted that I could never drink again.

Get out. If you’re treading on eggshells now, you will be forever if you stay with him. He sounds emotionally abusive.
Different situation, but my STBXH was an arse during my second pregnancy. I didn’t want it to end because of the ‘family unit’...10 years later I decided to finally divorce him. Wish I’d done it 10 years ago. Life really is too short.
As for the pregnancy, you don’t have to go through with it, but if you do, your inner strength (that has got you so far) will see you through. See if you can find some telephone counselling whilst on a walk? Get your ducks in a row. Good luck.

@Fluffle55 yes it seems to hit home at the time and he said all the right things but as I said he repulsed awrvwral timea since. He says he loves me and dd and would never want to hurt us but it’s as if he goes into ‘self destruct ‘ mode. I get that and I have been through it all with him , been there every step of the way believing him because I want it to be ok.
But it’s not even that anymore, I feel things are just stale and I’m tired of it all. He has let us down so many times so you’d think that being sober he would try and at least be kind and show me respect but he doesn’t , he just screws his face up and goes off on one about small things and just generally is a dick, even rolling his eyes in the first few weeks of pregnancy when I was knackered even though I’m working full time and doing the nursery runs unlike him.
He’s currently went in a mood because I went a dropped off bred and milk at a friends down the road because they’re self isolating. Was out for all of 30 mins and he has basically went upstairs in a mood since. On mother’s day.

To be honest, alcoholic or not, he sounds like a prize dick. He is pushing you away so he can go and get drunk, stay out and do what he wants, so let him make his bed. Go and build a life for you and your children, where you don’t have to put up with his crap. They will not benefit in any way from watching their Mum being emotionally abused by their Dad. Cut him loose.

@LookingForward6 thank you I appreciate your advice. Just a difficult situation that I don’t want to be in but I really just feel miserable and unsupported. Actions speak louder than words and I think it’s quite clear he no longer has the same love and respect for me. And I feel the same I think. It is not a decision I’m taking lightly and I just wish my circumstances were different. I feel there’s always a lingering feeling that I know things aren’t right and I shouldn’t be feeling or being made to feel this way.
I really have tried for so long to ignore little red flags.

Ask him to leave now before you end up in lockdown for months with him.

It isn't healthy for your child to live in this atmosphere, nor around an alcoholic who has only been sober a few months. He needs to be sober 12+ months.

Tell him to leave, work on himself, when he's been sober 12+ months, you can start dating again if you truly want to, but don't let him move straight back in.

I think after a year of not living with him, you won't miss him, love him or even like him.

Sounds like my marriage. Things just got progressively worst until I left last year. Best thing I ever done. Go with your gut instincts.

Do go to al-anon. And/or Coda.

You can do precisely zero about his drinking. Zero. Life with an alcoholic in active addiction is hell on earth. It's like living with someone who has a lover they are passionate about and who comes first in everything. You come a very very poor second.

BTW it's irrelevant that the house is in his name. If he owns the house it is a marital asset and, if you split, you'd get your rightful share.

He's never going to change, and you don't have to put up with him. You don't owe him anything and it's no good being a "family unit" if one of the family members is deliberately horrible every day.

You said if you lost the baby you'd see it as a sign. I don't know what your thoughts on a termination would be, and if it's not something you'd go for I don't want to pressure you: but just because the pregnancy has continued this far doesn't mean you have to keep going with it when you're unhappy and it might keep you trapped in this marriage. You're young, this is unlikely to be your last shot at having another baby. You don't have to stay with this man or continue this pregnancy.

Thanks for your advice ladies. @samb80 can I ask, do you have children with your husband ? Just feel it makes things so much more difficult. I can honestly say I’d have left long ago if we didn’t have our dd. makes me feel even worse about being pregnant again. I have been to scan and saw my little baby moving around, there’s no way I could terminate, I know at times you have to be selfish but I truly couldn’t do that at this stage. Again that’s the thing with having children, I do put them before everything, including this marriage decision.
He has since apologised for being an arse yesterday but it won’t be long until he’s being his selfish self again.
It’s a real shitty time for these decisions too as everyone needs to be self isolating, think I’ll go insane!

2 children. 10 and 14.
They have never been happier and talk regularly how they're glad their dad is not here.
From his drinking and other mental health issues life was a nightmare.
I tried for years to keep the family together, because as a mother you think that's what's best for the children. I was so wrong!
I knew for years and years and years he wouldn't change the 'I'm sorry's' got boring and it got to a point when I just stopped caring. From that point it took me two years to leave. I was so drained, looking back now the energy it took to live with him was exhausting.
Your situation is difficult and only you can make the decision that's best for you and your children, my only advise would be to follow your own instincts.

Just realised you can't 'go' to al-anon or Coda - duh.

Do look them up. You'll find it life changing. Xx

Everything you have said in this thread you should tell him. It need not be more complicated than that.

Pick an unthreatening environment, leave your daughter with relatives and plan for a long chat. No shouting or raised voices, if this starts to happen take a breather. But persevere, the important thing is to communicate everything you just told Mumsnet: that you sense there are problems, that you don’t feel valued, that you’d leave if not for the child, that you can’t tolerate his moody attitude and that you’ve even considered abortion. Make it clear to him and let it be known that you’re ready to leave.

All of the problems are his to fix essentially, and it’s possible he just isn’t aware of the severity. If he is then he might deserve the chance to put things right, or maybe there are some deep rooted reasons to his actions that you would benefit to know about. In the long term if he can’t change or repent then leave, what else is there to do?