Give me strength

[tiredofexcuses]

NC but been around a while. Never admitted what a shit marriage I'm in until today.

I need to leave, saved some pork as a special Mother's Day treat (to me).

He's hungover...again. I went to paint the fence and he locked me out, on purpose as I left him to look after the 2 DC but he wanted to sleep.

Oven is off, pork on the side uncooked. I assume we're not having it now, don't tell me to cook it anyway, I can't, I'm scared.

Don't know what advice I'm asking for, I'm embarrassed to be young and heading for my second divorce. The kids adore him (they are both his). He won't leave until I find 100k to give him for the house.

I'm stuck and I hate that I'm putting my children through this.

You are also putting yourself through this and you matter too as well as they do.

I would urge you to contact Womens Aid today; their online service has a chat facility.

Do not be embarrassed here; seek legal advice as soon as you are able to do so (this week preferably) and get this man out of your day to day lives.

Who is going to care that you will now go onto have been divorced twice?. Those that matter do not mind and those that mind do not matter. A dear friend of mine is divorced twice now and I do not think any less of her for leaving these abusive ex H's behind. Abusive men as well rarely if ever leave quietly and yours has tried to get a vast sum of money from you. You will likely not have to pay him 100K either so he is bullshitting you here. He is also financially responsible for his children.

Your children see all too clearly how you as their mother is treated and they walk on eggshells around him as well. They certainly do not adore him, they're also afraid of his reactions so are likely to be quiet, hyper vigilant to his mood swings and super compliant.

Is this your second abusive marriage? What are you scared of? Is he violent? Have you researched your options regarding the house?

Thanks for your replies, he's not psychically violent to me although there's a lot of door slamming and throwing things I don't think he would ever hurt us.

It's been 10 years (DC 7 & 3), it's like I've just woken up, thing is I'm pretty sure he's not happy either so don't know why he doesn't just go?

The 100K is what he put into the house, I actually would be happy to get a mortgage for this amount (and could luckily) so he wouldn't have a hold on us.

I think it's my parents I feel for, they don't have a clue, I've always been the one to fuck things up and I've done it again by choosing the wrong man.

OP I'm really sorry to hear this. There is history here that needs further exploration. I suggest you do the Freedom Programme and look into therapy in order to unpack all this. You can find a therapist at BACP.

There are absolutely no guarantees in domestic abuse. Just because someone hasn't touched you in ten years, doesn't mean they won't if you leave. It sounds as though he's been using intimidation to keep you in your place, which is obviously unhealthy for the children.

I suggest you start quietly gathering information and planning your exit. Contact the various mortgage providers and get info on the mortgage. Check out the CABx guide to Ending a Relationship. You can find a Family Law Solicitor here. Get one trained in DV. If he kicks off look into a Non Mol/Occupation Order. Check out Gingerbread for anything child related.

What 12345kbm wrote. Please take heed.

He likes having you around because he has you and in turn his kids to use and abuse as he sees fit. If he left you he would then have to find some other sap to charm and or to wash his socks for him. Such men hate women, all of them.

Lots of Door slamming and throwing things are also examples of domestic violence.

If this was your child, would you want her to stay and live like this? Of course you wouldn't, and neither would your parents.
Make plans

Don't just give him 100k. You need competent legal advice. You have been married to this man for 10 years and, irrespective of whether you work outside the home, you are entitled to a significant proportion of your joint assets, including pensions.

Knowledge is power and doing your homework can save you a significant amount in Legal fees.

Look at Wikivorce and get books about divorce.
Collect and copy all financial information
Draft the forms that need to be filed.
Consult with a competent family solicitor.

Whatever you do, don't let him intimidate you into accepting less than what is yours by right.

100K is what he put into the house, I actually would be happy to get a mortgage for this amount (and could luckily) so he wouldn't have a hold on us

Why are you procrastinating OP?

I think you need to put this into perspective; yours and your children's future happiness is at stake for imagined parental disappointment.

Stop looking for reasons that don't exist and secure your future asap.

He put 100K into the house 10 years ago. You’re married with kids. It doesn’t work like that. He doesn’t just get to take 100k and fuck off. The house is a joint asset. You need legal advice. Call a solicitor so you know where you stand.

I agree with Sue above its a joint asset £100k is now half yours. Get legal advice asap. Dont let him intimidate you into taking less than you are due, so find out your rights. Knowledge is power!

He put 100k in and has lived in it for 10 years- he’s had his money’s worth.
You owe him nothing if it wasn’t the money he was holding over you it’s be something else. It’s an excuse to control you.
You deserve so much better.

In fact just tell me where you live and I’ll come round and tell him he’s a fucking twat and make him leave.

Well you are married so £50K of that is yours, in a roundabout way.
Get some advice from Womens Aid as already suggested and get in contact with Rights of Women.
Both will give you good advice.
He can say you owe him £100K but you don't!
Stop listening to his bullshit.
Get proper advice and take it from there.

Well done on spotting this and realising what is going on.
It takes a while when you are in the situation.
YOU have NOT fucked up.
HE HAS!!!!

I think you need to see a solicitor and possibly women's aid because he sounds abusive. Take it from there