Not ready or just don't like

[dotnetmum]

I met this guy online a couple of months ago. We are both in the process of getting divorced, after very long marriages. I like him a lot. But we only seem to chat online, we chat a lot though, often all evening but all sorts of things until we go to bed. But only actually met up twice. With a light kiss goodbye both times. He still gets touchy about his ex-wife disloyalty. I tried some light flirting online, nothing back from him. He says things like "really enjoy chatting", "we are becoming friends". Never anything flirty, although he is very nice and sometimes funny too. I am so confused, if he does not fancy me, then why spend nights and nights chatting, sometimes right after work, or first thing in the morning. Is he not ready? Is he just old fashioned about it?

He's seems quite clear that he is looking for friendship only and is enjoying that friendship. He doesn't flirt back, he's said you're becoming FRIENDS, friendly kisses goodbye (I'm presuming light kisses are on the cheek rather than lips). He's looking for a friendship to help him fill his now free evening hours. It's been a couple of months and he's not keen to meet up regularly, which indicates that he doesn't see this as a potential relationship, but an online friendship. He seems to be telling you what's what loud and clear, but you're refusing to listen.

I can only suggest actually listening, and enjoy the friendship if you can accept thst is all it will be. He may be ready to date, but not with you. Sorry if that's harsh. If you can't accept being his time-filling online friend then step back.

It does seem unfair of him to be occupying all your time if he's aware you were looking for romance. He's ignored your flirting, and must realise that he's comments about friendship only aren't getting through to you.

Send him something like this and see what he replies with ....

I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, but I’m feeling more of a friends connection between us, and obviously, we’re both looking for a relationship.

Must be frustrating if someone is dragging their heels but don't waste your time texting for hours if you're looking for more than a friendship.

I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, but I’m feeling more of a friends connection between us, and obviously, we’re both looking for a relationship.

I think if I got that message, I would take it as OP ending things and that she felt it was a friendship not a potential relationship.

It sounds like he's enjoying chatting and not looking for anything more right now. Why does he spend nights and morning chatting? Because he's at a loose end and is a chatty sort of person.

You're being his free counsellor to get through the lonely times.

His lonely times

Agree you are a therapist in his eyes..

I don't think going through the divorce process is a good time for a new relationship. The process is far too distressing to be able to commit to a new relationship fully.
It sounds liek he just wants support and a friend.
Personally I wouldn't have been in any state for a new relationship until at least two or three years after mine.

Why not just ask him straight what he's looking for? If you are chatting loads any way can you just throw that in there?

He definitely doesn’t fancy you. He just wants to chat. Meh..

He is lonely and chating to you as a friend.

I would be more direct here.

Sounds to me as though he likes the support but isn't ready or willing to try a new relationship here.

That's not to say don't remain friends, but don't waste your evenings texting in the hope things will progress if they won't. you could be speaking to men who do want a relationship, potentially with you.

Get him to spell things out if you have any doubts, then scale back the conversation accordingly.

I would say something along the lines of 'It has been lovely getting to know you and I do enjoy talking to you but I get the impression you are interested in friendship only with me. I did start out looking to find a partner and would like to know whether you see things developing in that direction or not?'

I find it a bit annoying that he is occupying your time at a time he needs support, well aware that you are hoping for some progression romantically.

I know he has said 'we are becoming friends' etc but to someone who is keen, I don't think that is clear enough. I think if only interested in someone platonically who doesn't feel the same, you should make clear it is only that, not 'we are becoming friends which could progress to more'.