Is my marriage over to the rat bag dh ?

[Brainengaged1]

Found out he was cheating and confronted him. Three weeks later he is just pretending like nothing happened.
All I can think off is ways to cause harm to him . I can’t stop myself from snooping . Advice please x

@Brainengaged1 After reading your updated posts , I agree that the counselling should be for you alone.

@FlowerArranger has some good solid advice.

I didn’t realise he had been cheating for so long, with so many.

If you go to relationship counselling he will do the ‘poor me’ situation to the counsellor. I had relate counselling with my narcissistic ex H and I wish I hadn’t bothered! Nothing is ever their fault.

You should start getting your ducks in a row. Look at all the financial stuff and start getting sorted to get out!

Definitely look at the Chump lady site.
He has lied, cheated and deceived many times in a premeditated way!

Buy the book by Lundy Bancroft: Why does he do that?

Research cluster b personality disorders: Narcissists/psychopaths/ sociopaths then you will know what you are dealing with and how they manipulate and gaslight.

Everything you do, he will twist it and spin it so that he looks good.

Just remember:

1. The only persons behaviour you can control is your own.
2. The only person who can make you truly happy is your self.

Love yourself more! Ditch the cheating prick!
💐🌺💐🌺

Thank you everyone for your advise . Ducks being lined up

I woke up on Mother’s Day and I was in the most angriest of moods. We had watched a film that had an affair scene in it and it played over in my mind the entire night .

Well That scene baked in my head proper and and when I saw him in the kitchen prepping for Mother’s Day
as he was again trying to be all nice . I said that he didn’t need to pretend as our ds was still asleep. I said to him that he was just avoiding the issue and it was always me that tried to talk , and he never does . That I’m tired of trying , . He says what do I want him to do ? And tries to get angry - which I shut down straight away . The cheek

I listed lack of remorse , lack of putting my mind at rest , lack of understanding my emotions. Does he think that a cup of tea is going to make it all ok on Mother’s Day ?

Fast forward later that day / all DIY jobs done , food cooked , house tidy .

Why did my life become such a mess ? I’m going to read up on personality disorders as his ability to charm is so believable . He should be called Bond .

He is a deluded individual living in his own, selfish, deceitful bubble.

It is surprising how they think they can just carry on with life as if nothing has happened, no explanations, no remorse, no accountability of any description!

Just keep remembering that you have worked him out, his mask has slipped and you know what the real ‘him’ is capable of!

He’s the deluded one!

Just get all your paperwork together, without him knowing.

Soon you will be free of the disordered prick and able to have a loving relationship, once you have healed from this one!💐

It was so hard figuring out how to approach this without losing it . I gave him an Opportunity work on marriage , my only request was that he show me the financials . We have separate accounts . When I exposed his ‘secrets’ he said no way was he going to show me , and that it was beyond approach that I am forcing him to share his financial information. He has been a very solid provider and his pride was ‘hurt’ I gave him another chance to review this stance by reassuring him that I just wanted to get closure on the scale and time of the affairs and we could look to work on this . he totally exploded and stormed off saying that I could look but what I was doing as destroying that trust , manipulating and using this as leverage !

And to top it and angrily said Let’s just get this over with .

At that point all my hopes for turning a corner were gone .

I uttered the words ‘I want a divorce , because of your inability to be transparent and put my mind at rest . I can try to trust you again but you can’t trust me on this one request ‘

I'm glad you realise there is no future with him. He is just a total liar

I’m sorry. I understand that urge to give then one last chance, to be honest for once. It’s such a slap in the face isn’t it ?

You can't force him to share his financial information with you, but he WILL have to make a full and detailed declaration as part of the divorce process. So the important thing is to establish what bank accounts, investments and pensions he has, so that he cannot hide anything.

I'd also get your credit report, e.g via Experian. It is not unheard of for scumbags to open credit card accounts in their spouse's name.

The sooner you get on with this, the less opportunity he has to shaft you. Knowledge is power: Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, lawyer - focus on the practicalities and stay ahead of him. Be the one to file, if only for the psychological advantage.

You can do this

He’s destroyed your trust and he has done the manipulating!
He is projecting his own bad traits!

You have tried with him, tried to save the marriage. He is the one who had lied, cheated and deceived and not tried to rectify it.

Carrying on as normal, does not undo all the hurt he has caused you.

If he wants some leverage in the marriage he needs to start being authentic and telling the truth about everything he has done and put you through.

Some how I doubt he will show true remorse for what he has done!

He is angry with you because you are not going along with his plan of sweeping things under the carpet and for him to carry on and have his cake and eat it!

Stay safe! Get STI checked !

And stay strong!💐🌺💐🌺

How you doing?

Ignore above message, didn't see page 2 xx

What did he say when you asked for a divorce...shocking he just wants to brush it under the carpet and not answer your questions

When I told him he was stunned . He realised that the game was over and I saw on his face that he finally was woke . We haven’t told anyone until after we meet with a divorce mediator . I had already copied all the financials 2 weeks ago on the financials that I needed.
I am trying to stay strong , and appreciate truly your advice . I haven’t told my friends or family , and can’t yet for a while at least .
I wouldn’t have been able to cope without Mumsnet and the reassurance that I wasn’t going mad and to get strength from your supportive messages. I will need to think about how I tell my ds he is going to be heart broken .

You’re doing so well, OP. Stick to your guns.

He probably thought he could have his cake and eat it.

Good for you xxx

Despite all of his hurtful behaviour, I can see that my heart has the ability to love , grieve and be still a kind person .

I knew I would feel conflicted so I took pictures of exchanges messages and emails from him to ow just to remind me of what he had done and the cover ups behind it . I re read these when I feel vulnerable and it keeps me on track . It’s so easy to ‘forget’ and let history re write itself when you live with a charmer

Well done. You've done incredibly well. I'd recommend your lawyer use a forensic accountant though.

Thanks for all the advise -. I have now gained an extra skill set in finding hidden apps , Browser history on different phones , undercover detective on google pay. I know more will come out over time

Stay strong

With the nation being in lockdown it’s meant all this weight has been put on me . Ideally I would have seen my own counsellor and joined a support group . However the corona inns strange way has made me have to rely on my own ability to get through this . I can’t tell friends or family at the moment as I want them to be there in person when I do . However I am grateful for your presence, and

Perspective x

@Brainengaged1 hope your okay op
Your so strong and he's such a dick, your doing great and hope the lockdown isn't cracking you up

@ninox3
Thank you and bless you

All the events that have happened in my life good and bad have prepared me for this ‘moment’ . My parents own divorce as a child , my miscarriage, cancer within my family going to university and doing a post grad . These times all had that universal thread of sacrifice, pain but they all built me resilience . Indeed I am tearful now , but I look back on what I have been able to work through and that gives me encouragement to know that I have the reserves to do this again . Just a bit older now !

@Brainengaged1 you’re doing so well and sound so strong. You’re my hero!

Did he end up moving out?

Thank you , but this morning I was crying the type of tears that make no noise in my own room. He is in his own room , and told our ds he is ‘self isolating’ . We will tell him once he gets his place at 6th form . I am delaying only because if he had to retake exams I don’t want this to be used as a reason for any poor grades .

So he is still here , still doing all the same jobs and sharing chores . We don’t argue , although it is uncomfortable at times. I still wonder if he is on sites , but I just think now he is free to visit anyone he wants . After all that is what he must have wanted ? He can be on all of them looking for every type of encounter . His punishment is now being self isolated with me in the same house . He gots no where to go ! That makes me smile x

I just look at him now and think to myself if I hadn’t checked he would have fooled me for another 24 years . I had no reason to doubt him , he is a very believable man.

I am not sure if he is

He got the best type of encounter he ever could have ever wanted .... a divorce

That should be in the small print for illicit encounters.com

@Brainengaged1 Please don't think of "snooping" as a skill. You will only end up being bitter and suspicious.

Just because your soon to be Ex (good on you btw!) was a piece of shit, does not mean that the next guy that comes along will be too.

So forget all that baggage, and concentrate on your actual amazing qualities, like intelligence and strength! Good luck