Non molestation order

[Secretsout]

I'd like some advice from people who have been through similar. Sorry it's long but don't want to drip feed.

We divorced in 2018 after a long marriage. Ex earns c.£200k. He is a horrible narcissist (and probably psychopath).

He has done everything he can to make my life difficult. I have blocked him from all forms of communication except for an old email account that I rarely use.

Kids are 19 and 17 and are NC with him too. Their choice after he tried to emotionally and psychologically advise them the way he did to me.

He pays child and spousal maintenance under our court order but I've had several non payments that I've had to enforce through the court. I'm in the process of obtaining an Attachment of Earning.

In November I emailed him and stated quite clearly that he was never to contact me again under any circumstances and any contact would be deemed harassment. I advised him to use his solicitor if he needed contact.

Fast forward to this week and I've had two emails from him. At the start of the week offering help to the kids. (He hadn't seen our daughter for 18 months and our son for 7 months). I didn't respond and nor did the kids.

Today he has emailed to tell me that due to Coronavirus he will not be paying maintenance in the future as his financial situation has changed. He said he was between jobs. This is a lie. He is quite wealthy and starting a new job in 2 weeks and is currently in his notice period (I have this on good authority)

I work in frontline NHS earning £25k per annum and work is very stressful right now. I'm in daily contact with patients and terrified of catching this disease. I find is utterly despicable that he can use a global pandemic as a way to contact me and try to increase my anxiety.

I have seriously had enough of him and cannot take anymore.

I believe that after 2 contacts from him I can take action.
Is it a non molestation order that I need in order to stop this man from his continued contact and harassment of me? Is it easy to obtain and is it possible to do without a solicitor as I cannot afford to pay anyone.

Please help me.

Solely on the basis of the content of the 2 contacts, a judge will not grant a non molestation as there is no threat. These 2 incidents will not constitute harassment.

You'll need a fuller picture.

So he can continue to cause me anxiety and distress for the rest of my life and I can't do anything about it?

Sending 2 emails to you isn’t classed as harassment.

The kids are 19 & 17 - why are you still sorting their contact out for them? They are old enough to communicate with him themselves. Absolutely no need to communicate with him. Just delete any emails that arrive in from him.

He can’t just stop paying court ordered maintenance.

If he wants a variation in CM (I can’t comment on spousal) & it’s 12 months since the consent order was agreed, he needs to open a case through the CMS and they will determine the amount he should pay. Until then the consent order stands.

This doesn't warrant a non-mol OP.

I have an abusive ex H too who regularly makes these kind of threats. Who sends me horrible emails etc. Who now (because he has no other means) uses the payment of maintenance as a means of exerting control over me.

You just have to block and ignore. You don't need to be involved in your dcs contact. Now they're older, do you need money off him? Could you stop receiving payment so that you remove his last method of control? Because that's what it is.

Sorry it's horrible and stressful, I know, but it isn't dangerous or harassment.

Thank you northern it must be my mistake. I was led to believe that 2 contacts could be used as harassment.
He will never leave me to live my life. Every time he splits with a GF he starts back at me. (I've never met anyone else as too scared)

I have NC with him whatsoever and nor do the kids. He is still able to email me and my son (daughter deleted her email account)
It's just that I cannot seem to block his email address and I've kept my old email account as it contains lots or historical stuff. I check it every month or so.

It's the constant anxiety of will he/won't he pay that worries me every month

Hi sybil. Yes it's awful living like this. He always made me feel like I needed him and his behaviour from deciding to divorce has been off the scale.

The SM was agreed as I caved in during the divorce process and forfeited my rights to pension share (and split stocks and shares). He always made it clear he would ruin me if I tried to split those so I agreed on SM just to get out safely and away from him.

He now has me over a barrel but I truly do need the money.

Try speaking to your solicitor about varying the order; to change it from SM to a one off split of the shares and pension.

He’s not going to “ruin you“ in reality - that’s just an empty threat on his part. I mean seriously, what can he actually do to you? You’re already dreading his contact, the kids aren’t seeing him and (potentially) he’s going to force you back to court to get backdated SM. Just bite the bullet and go for a variance with a clean break.

Thank you for the reply pater. I know he is just a nasty bitter bully. He can't accept that I finally stood up to him and walked away.

He would never agree to capitalisation of the SM as he would have no control left. This is the only thing he has to threaten me with.

I've got up this morning to come to work and he's emailed me again (shitty nasty email).

He just puts me on edge and I really don't need this aggro.

I know him very well as he's escalating at the moment as his latest relationship has just ended and he will be at home alone with no one with him and not able to go to the pub.

Agree with PPs, a few nasty emails are not enough to obtain a non-mol but if they are followed up with other action which is more directly menacing - eg phone calls, coming to your house or workplace, following you when you are out etc, then they are part of a story which could warrant a non-mol so keep the emails as evidence.

It’s outrageous that you’re not dating because you’re scared of what he’ll do. It sounds like you’re still giving him a lot of power over you - which isn’t at all surprising because you lived with his abuse for decades so you are over-sensitised to what he says and does. You got out which was the hardest part - you need to complete the process of taking back your power. Don’t allow him to dictate your life choices any more.

Have you had any kind of counselling to deal with the effects of having lived with an abuser? The Freedom Programme is highly recommended by many MN posters.

If you don’t want to delete that account and you can’t block him, just recognise his nasty emails for what they are - the pathetic bleatings of a pathetic man. Practise distancing yourself from your reaction to them. Just observe your emotions - that way you can have your emotions rather than them having you. And then get on with your day.

You’ve done extremely well to get away. Cut those final few threads which allow him to play you emotionally and consign him to history. Let your application for attachment of earnings work its way through and get on with your life. Because really, you’ve come out of this much better than him: you’ve still got your two DCs and he’s lost them. And that’s what matters in the end.

OP The Protection from Harassment Act 1997 (PHA) outlines harassment offences as ‘causing alarm or distress’ (section 2), and ‘putting people in fear of violence’ (section 4).

The behaviour must happen on more than one occasion by the same person or group to be considered harassment; however, it can be different types of behaviour on each occasion. For example, a single threatening comment on social media is not harassment. Two comments or one comment and a text message may be considered harassment.

You need both elements 1. unwanted contact on two or more occasions and 2. the unwanted behaviour causes alarm, distress or puts you in fear of violence.

You need to keep a log of the incidents (it's why I always advise to note how the behaviour makes you feel because the law often encompasses the impact of the abuse on the victim).

Regarding non payment of child maintenance, take a look at this info here on going through the CMS.

Once we're through the lockdown perhaps contact Rights of Women in order to talk through your legal options.

Thank you for your kind replies and advice.

dery. It's so hard for people to understand that awful knack he has of upsetting me. It can be one word in an email that changes the whole tone of his communication.

He is nasty, bitter and angry.
I do not fear him as such, I'm not frightened for my life. His abuse was psychological and emotional and that makes it hard for people to understand how I feel.

I've been seeing a counsellor for 1.5 years. She's a hypnotherapist and it's helping me to reduce my anxiety and also looks at ways to block him from my thoughts when they arise.

I cannot face dating or even speaking to another man as I really couldn't trust anyone. I know my Ex has dated women who believe he is wonderful, charming, loving and generous (it lasts a few months then his other side emerges) and I guess I'm worried about this happening to me again.

When I've been out and friends have put pictures on SM he's emailed me with shitty comments about how he's funding my lifestyle (the SM - which is a tiny amount)

I've tried many times to block his email address but it had never worked but I think I fixed it on Sunday. He has no other way of contacting me - all blocked.

I've even installed cameras on my house.

Both kids have him blocked too.

12345kbm. I think that may be the part of the law I had heard about. To me it is harassment. We are no longer married and I have specifically told him not to contact me under any circumstances. There is nothing for us to communicate about and his tone and behaviour upset me. After the divorce his only way to contact me was through an email account (this weekend I think I've finally managed to block him)

And to add, we had a private arrangement on CM as his income was way over their maximum and its agreed to age 19 so it's a year longer than CMS. it's in my child's best interests to keep that as it is for now.