Can’t be civil to husband

[Suzie222]

Obviously not leaving home at the moment so stuck indoors with husband and 2 young children under 5. I know I’m being unreasonable and childish to husband and probably causing an atmosphere that at least eldest child can sense but I just can’t stop myself. Please advice and tips please.

Just some background: he’s always been very unreliable examples countless times he’s disappeared after work and I have had no idea where he’s gone. In the beginning I called the police as no phone being answered and didn’t come home at all I was worried sick. I had HG for both pregnancies and he gave me zero support. I used to drag myself from the sofa to feed the eldest in my state. I used to beg him to just take one day off to help me but no his work is too important. He’s had no issue taking a WEEK off every time new call of duty came out and play. I just feel so resentful that I’ve raised 2 kids on my own and taken care of the house all on my own. He literally does nothing. I mow the lawn, put the rubbish out and anything breaks I fix it.

Final straw was today when on news they were showing people queuing in Tesco and no food in shelves and I said I’m glad I did all the essential shopping last week and he replied it just exaggerated and things are fine! Like how the f@@k does he know he’s never done the weekly shop! He also works in central London and travels by tube (obviously not this week) comes home doesn’t wash his hands and picks baby up! He still thinks the media are over claiming about coronavirus and it’s not that bad. I hate this idiot so much. Please advise me on how to deal and no unhelpful comments about leaving him please like really where shall I go with 2 kids and no I’m not a b@@@ch so won’t consider kicking him out of our home. Sorry! I’m just exhausted and need to calm down but don’t know how.

Not sure why you had two kids with him 🤷‍♀️

That’s helpful! Let’s go back in time and change having had kids with him. Thanks

I suppose I’m not gonna get any useful advice! Why bother with mumsnet.

I’m struggling with mine too. Totally understand.

Well if he was shit with the first why would he be any better with a second? If you dont want anyone to suggest you leave him then what do you actually want? You hate him but won’t leave so what are we actually supposed to say?

You may not get any useful advice - to be honest, I’m not sure there is any - but you are not alone.

Puds has a point. Clearly there are positives to him if you’ve had 2 children with him. If he works and you stay at home it’s possible both of you have learned how to disrespect each other’s work / interests. Try relate before making any kneejerk reactions - I believe many counsellors are still running Skype sessions.

I don’t think it’s being a bitch to end a relationship with a useless twat who doesn’t actually want to partner with you at all? Are you intending to stay with him forever because I’ve got no idea what strategies you can use for that.

I can see why your cross, no help and going missing.

Sooru you're married to a child. What you need to focus on is looking after your own wellbeing so you can be a parent and get through this! Now your both on the house tell him he needs to pull his weight give him a list of jobs ( I know you shouldn't have to) also tell him you both need alone time each day and time table it in.
Maybe when this is over you can think about next steps?

God op he sounds like a shit husband and dad. I hope once things settle down you can take steps to leave him. Good Luck

I suppose I’m not gonna get any useful advice! Why bother with mumsnet.

He’s a lazy inconsiderate arse but you did choose to ignore that and have a second child with him. The resentment you now feel is the price you’re paying for that choice. You may not like posters pointing out the bleeding obvious but if you do not acknowledge your contribution to your relationship dynamic then you won’t move forward (and hopefully stop repeating the same mistakes).

Waiting for a better version of him to appear is a strategy that hasn’t paid off and has brought you to this point. What can you do? Accept that this is who he is and either push back on the dynamic and come to some some resolution (jointly or solo), or carry on and let the resentment fester and corrode your relationship some more and wait for the slow death of your marriage.

I'm not really sure what you want us to say OP. Do you just want to vent?

Personally I'd kick him out. Fuck him, why should you care if he has nowhere to go.
He doesn't care about any of you.
You have lost all respect for him and that is the end really.

Quite honestly the call of duty thing did it for me! There is nothing useful I can possibly say other that you have 10st of ugly fat hanging round your arse and it would be so easy to get rid of it/him.

At this point, you should be more frustrated with yourself for staying with him all this time. He's been clear about who he is from the start, yet you stay. He will not change and things will never get better, but you know this already. It's up to you to change your life at this point.

Have you talked to him about how hos behaviour makes you feel? If so, what is his reaction? If not, why not?

Missing the point of the thread but...where was he going then, those times he went missing and you called the police?

You probably won’t get great advice but you can just vent away. If it’s any consolation I think A LOT of couples are going to struggle being isolated with their partner. I have 2 young dc at home, and so far dp is not annoying me but just give it time.

On a serious note you sound fed up, and I hope you know you don’t have to put up with it. My dp has been very lazy in the past and left me to get on with everything while he sat gaming. I did eventually kick him out and he came back and changed his ways.
for you and honestly I think you need to have a serious conversation, he sounds a nightmare and you don’t have to put up with it.

Coronavirus wise- I’ve been spraying dp with sanitizer when he gets in from work whether he likes it or not. I won’t risk my children’s health because he can’t be arsed to take it seriously.

Repeated myself there just in case you didn’t know- you don’t have to put up with it. I’m very tired

Ok so invent both back ache and coronovirus if you have to and leave him to do everything. Resist the urge to help him.

Do your own laundry and don't touch his. Cook for yourself and your DC and let him fend for himself.

There are a lot of things you can do but seething with resentment is not one of them.

Speak pleasantly and ignore anything horrible he says and go grey rock.

Only when you stop pandering to him and let him grow up and be responsible will he be a good husband and dad.

Don't enable his behaviour any longer. He gets away with it because you allow him to.

If i had a baby there is no way in hell that anyone would approach my baby without washing their hands. Could you start playing a peer pressure game? Make some house rules about hand washing ie So hands must be washed before touching the baby, before eating meals, if you cough etc etc. Im sure there is a song that youngsters sing and if everyone is singing it could be a fun time. Best.

Tell him, tell him he's a fucking useless asshole and see what his response is.

Go from there.

What do you want? Do you want him gone? Tell him it’s over and to rent an Airbnb to see the quarantine out. Then he’s responsible for finding his own food etc. It might make him grow the F up when he’s got to find milk etc and work that shit out for himself? Could you manage financially if he went?

Imagine not having to put up with him. Wouldn’t that be fab!

I’m genuinely not sure what you want and what would help. He’s a useless arsehole. You know that. It’s shit for you and shit for the children you chose to bring into the world with him. They’re stuck with his forever.

If you won’t separate then you’re stuck with him too. That’s your choice but it’s a toxic atmosphere for two young children who didn’t ask for any of it.