FOG having a bad episode with my mum

[thegreenlight]

Gosh this is so so hard. My mum has basically done something awful (verbally abused a friend and colleague of mine publicly on FB about something I told her in confidence) was absolutely mortified when I found out about it in work (my husband found out and tried to calm things without telling me. I’d had enough and didn’t respond to a text of hers (she was acting as if nothing had happened) and then I got up the courage to tell her how difficult my day had been because of what she had done (not unkind at all, just saying it wasn’t the best way to go about things) and now she’s turned this all round to be that I am the worst daughter in the world when she does so much for me. My husband told me not to engage after sending the first message but I did and now I’m a mess. I never tell her what she does is wrong and now I have and I feel like the guilty party.
I honestly am a perfectly solvent adult in most areas of my life but I can’t deal properly with this! There is a lot of back story and event that have happened but this time I told it wasn’t right and now I wish I hadn’t. Help, any wise people out there who can help me make sense of how I’m feeling.

They may have given you material things but emotionally you are bereft because your parents are empty vessels that make a lot of noise. It’s not your fault they are like this.

What you describe as well is sadly not all that unusual when it comes to now adult children of toxic people. I would imagine too that your privacy was never respected properly either at home.

You also need to keep your child well away from them too going forward. They will harm this person in not too dissimilar ways as to how you have been harmed.

They have utterly failed you and your siblings as parents. Your mother threatening repeatedly to kill herself was a deliberate exercise on her part to get attention onto her and otherwise manipulate everyone around her. She is still alive today . Toxic parents as well often go on about how great they are and are also adept at rewriting history to suit their own ends. Your parents are still together also because they get what they want out of their dysfunctional relationship, both are equally culpable here.

I once had a breakdown as a teenager and went to a councillor who suggested my parents were the problem - I repeated their mantra that they were brilliant parents and never went again because I don’t think I was able to deal with the concept. My mum gave me short shrift and had very limited sympathy with me considering how much she expected people to pander to her own mental health problems.
I feel like I am in a strange place right now. I know all this and yet I continue.

Your counsellor was right but unfortunately at that time you were not ready to hear it. Would you be willing to see a therapist now?

I would also think your mother has a form of untreated - and untreatable - personality disorder. Narcissistic personality disorder is something I would read about here. Whatever the reasons for them being as they are they will not change and it is not your fault. Emotionally healthy people do not behave like your mum and dad do and your dad still enables her in all that for his own reasons. He has thrown you and your siblings under the bus to worship at her altar and he is a weak bystander of a man.

Your parents caused you to have that breakdown at that time. No-one sadly thought it fit or even necessary to protect you from life within that house. You were failed.

What if anything do you know about their family backgrounds?.

Work on telling these people what they deserve to hear about your life now I.e absolutely nothing. At the very least you need to adopt the grey rock technique when it comes to them and to be as boring as possible giving no information on you. they really do not deserve to have you or your own family now in their lives. It is also not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

You know that book Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway? Fantastic book. For you, feel the guilt and do nothing anyway.

You have been trained to feel like the sky will fall in if your parents have even the slightest bit of a face on. Brains are clever things. If you can force yourself to not DO anything in reaction to your feelings then your mind will rapidly learn "nothing real happens if mum feels sad." Block them as much as humanly possible.

Your dm will not be sad, she’ll be loving all the drama and enjoying playing the victim.
Remember you’re an adult, you are equal to your parents and their needs and wants do not trump yours.
I’m afraid you need to learn how to deal with them in an assertive way.

OP I absolutely agree with everything Attila has written - she’s a very wise and regular poster for people with toxic parents.
May I add something for you to consider? You say you love your parents. No sane person would love these abusers, and I think what you really love instead is your idealised version of the parents you wish you had, not the bastards you’ve actually got. Does that make sense?
I had similar toxic parents, OP. I went no contact with them to protect myself and my DC from their emotional abuse. When they died, I didn’t grieve for them at all - but I did grieve for the parents I never had - decent loving ones - and the realisation that now there could never be an apology from them or a change of heart.
There never would have been, if they’d lived to 100, they thought it was all my fault and they were perfect, as narcissists always do - but their deaths gave me that reality shock.
I would strongly advise you to seek a good counsellor, and work towards breaking free from the hold these abusers have over you. I can testify that it’s life changing!

My Nan (mum’s mum) was horrific to her and totally unhinged but hid it very well (my mum knew she wasn’t treating her well but ran to her beck and call anyway) this recent episode has had her comparing the way she took my Nan on most holidays and was always at her beck and call - I have been measured against this and found wanting and she has made sure I know it.

We went on our first abroad holiday as a family EVER (DH and I first in 15 years) and my 5 year old (eldest) told me he didn’t want to go as we weren’t taking nanny and that made nanny sad.

Hugs OP.
It's hard, it really is. You've had a traumatic childhood and the trauma is continuing.
I think you need to keep yourself safe away. Your mother is harming you.
Maybe in time you will be able to have an equal relationship with her.
But not now. You need to learn new self soothing skills. Which takes time and is hard.
But nothing will come of this as it is now. You will continue to feel the pain like you did as a child.

Your DH seems to be sensible. I suggest you run every interaction past him and do exactly what he tells you.