What kind of access to children for fathers is the norm when parents are divorced?

[Smellycat90]

Sorry I was unsure where to post this so apologies if this is the wrong area. I am considering divorce. I have two children. I have been a SAHM for 3 years and have recently entered the workforce. My husband has worked all this time. He has been extremely emotionally abusive throughout our marriage and I cannot take it anymore. I am really scared about his level of contact with the children without me being present, and he will rely heavily on his family to support him with the children, and they are who he has picked up a lot of these abusive behaviours from. I am so scared they are going to poison my childrens minds when I'm not around and teach them bad things. I just wondered what is the norm in terms of how often he would get to have the children to himself?

I’m afraid there is no norm and you’ll get a whole host of answers. If you want a simple response it’s “whatever is best for the children” How old are DC that potentially has some weighting

Oh and as somebody who was in your shoes and now 17m free, it’s tough but liberating and I've never been happier. Good luck xx

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50% is the starting point - his treatment of you doesn't mean he'll treat his children like that

50% is not the starting point. I only know of 1 split family where they do 50/50 and I don't believe that is in the best interests of children.

We do every other weekend and a mid week night plus ex takes them to a couple of their activites so sees them another night too. Works well for us.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted I've never met an abusive person who didn't eventually turn on the kids.

I think 50/50 is pretty unusual.

You'd be wise to document the emotional abuse and get a paper trail going for it if you don't already.

You'll be able to provide a safe haven for your dc and an escape from the dysfunction, living apart vs them having to live with it 100% of the time.

"Parental alienation" is a thing, but you're already ahead of him expecting it, so you can be aware and mitigate it with the right support for your dc.

I’d say the biggest factor (presuming there’s no negligent behaviour) is who works what hours. In the case where a dad works part time and the mum a demanding full time job, he’d have a case for claiming to be the primary caregiver. Nowadays just being mum doesn’t give you an automatic advantage over dad. Since we are still a culture where men traditionally are the main breadwinners a 50:50 split isn’t often the standard.

We do every other weekend and one evening a week.

He was emotionally and financially abusive towards me but he does love the children... now they are older (youngest is 13), they arrange extra days/evenings to suit them and, as it's his choice, he doesn't reflect this in the maintenance.

He's happier now we've split and, whilst he isn't exactly 'fair', the abuse is nothing like it was. He just cba anymore.

50/50 IS the starting point, despite what other people believe. My ex was very coercive and controlling, he still had DD half the time and has been a great father. He was just shit at being a husband.
OP, you can't just say he can't see the children without evidence of him being a bad parent.

I have mine Friday-Monday.
Every week. We co parent fine.

I've got 50/50 here.