Help, I am very very stressed about Christmas and my mother...

[MrsSchadenfreude]

The outlaws (who are wonderful) asked if they could come to us for Christmas. My mother came last year and seems to think that she has the right to come when she wants - on the only other occasion we've spent Christmas with the outlaws (in 14 years of marriage) she has called me "shit as a daughter". She went away with a friend that year, had a massive falling out with her and cracked her head open (long story) and said "That wouldn't have happened if I'd come to you." (nice)

I have to tell her - somehow - that the outlaws are coming to us, and brace myself for the stream of vitriol on my failings as a daughter. Should I have a word with her sister first, to see if she might have her (they don't particularly get on but she might take pity on me!)

Hi

Maybe i'm missing something here - but can't they both come to you at christmas.... just because the outlaws are there doesn't mean she can't also turn up.

If not go for a strict rota system of alternate years - and take it as a compliment that they all want to spend christmas with you

God how awful for you. Those are the tactics of a toddler.

She sounds very insecure and panicky if you are not able to be there when she wants you. Does that stem from anything in the past?

If not I'd have to stand firm. It's not unreasonable or disloyal to want to spend Christmas with different family members. Have them all if you want but not because your mum wants to control what you do by throwing a terrible tantrum.

Have you got a brother or sister that'll "take turns" with you? If not, could she not come to you with the outlaws? They sound great for providing you with moral support.
Alternatively, you could go ski-ing for Christmas this year...........

Does your Mum behave in such a manner towards you all year around?. If yes, it sounds like she has made you a scapegoat for all her past failings, failings that she will never admit to. These are the sort of behaviours that toxic parents do.

Try reading 'my mother has cut me out of her life, long story'. Tells you all you need to know of behaviour like that. And not suggesting you separate or divorce your mother, just may help with dealing with her behaviour.

BTW it is okay for you to spend time with people at xmas, other than your mother. Just think how you would behave in her circumstances...try a questionaire

a) would be nice to have invite but dd is not forced to have you every year
b) throw a tantrum

I cannot have her and the outlaws together. She was incredibly rude to the outlaws after the wedding (she told them they were common and had no manners!) and they haven't spoken since. If they all came to us, I think she would make my lovely MIL feel very uncomfortable indeed.

I am an only child...

Your being an only child does not excuse her behaviour, nor should she talk to you in such a way.

Okay, standard tactics...

Let her know that outlaws are coming this xmas. When she explodes, into a quiet moment drop in, 'well you sound very angry/upset about it, but its not going to change anything.' More explosiveness...go to 'I feel really angry that you are talking to me in this way, I'm going to go now, but I will call back when I am ready to, but xmas is not up for discussion. I do love you but what I want counts too, bye'. Phone down. If you can get all that out... And its HARD to do this. Does she switch between playing the victim and then attacking you? Because this is the hardest thing to fight when they do this, cause you just cannot win. Best thing is not to engage at all and NEVER give in. Just like with a toddler as someone said already. You don't have to play her games, take a step back and treat her as you would a friend who spoke in such a way to you.

Ally's post is good advice.

I posted on here once about my mum being rather of the opinion that I will do as she wishes at times; and she can get funny too but thankfully not aggressive in the way you describe.

I received similar advice and if you can remember not to rise to it, it does help to think of it in terms of how you would treat anyone else - ie not your mum - if they started on you in the same way.

You say you are an only child. I am too.

I have always found conflict with my parents very, very difficult to deal with. There are no other brothers and sisters to bounce off or deflect disagreements.

My mum is lovely but inclined to be quite domineering at times, which every so often has me in terrible knots.

I usually try to do anything and everything to avoid the confrontation - which makes me feel completely disempowered and angry with myself for not facing up to her and angry with her for goading me into an argument in the first place.

She is good at arguing and likes to get it all said. I am not and find it all terribly upsetting.

tell her you area married woman, and have responsiilities. and if she cant undersand that, its her problem, and she needs to deal with it.

why on earth do you bother with this horrid woman - Motherhood by its virtue - does not give ne carte blanche to be fucking horrible.

i would ring your mother and say " please can i stop you there - i will accept no verbal abuse from you and if you chose to carry on i shall put the phone down"

My mother used to do exactly the same thing and Christmas was always a sore point. I used to be seperate from my partner every Christmas so her and I could spend a miserable day together and she could tell me how rubbish and ungrateful I am as a daughter.

One time my partner and I went to see her for Christmas and we ended up having a screaming row because I did not make her a coffee when she was in the shower (I wasn't having one either, I was busy cleaning up her dog's doo-doo in her lounge!). For some reason this was the straw that broke the camel's back and I ended up screaming back for the first time in my life.

After a lot of insults both ways my partner and I took a taxi to a hotel and spent Christmas evening in a bar getting drunk on cocktails. We had no presents as we had left them under the tree, but we had each other and didn't have to deal with all the pressure and guilt and nastiness. It was great.

I haven't spoken to her since and to be honest it makes Christmas a whole lot easier. This year I am going to spend some time with my best friends in the whole world and their adorable little girl. Am definately looking forward to it so much more.

Sometimes I think its a shame as Christmas should be about family, but it shouldn't be about being manipulated and made to feel bad just for exisiting and having a normal life that doesn't revolve around your mother.

So, do what you think it right for you. but know that you don't have to take it - what she says isn't true. You are obviously a good daughter or else you wouldn't even be worrying about her. Just remember that she doesn't have your best interests at heart, so you need to make sure you do.

Take care and be strong.

xxx.

Oh those two words Christmas and mother made my ears prick up, I too am totally stressed about the two but for different reasons.
I live abroad and arranged back in July that my mum would come out to spend the Xmas period with us (am an only child too) I pointed out that the actual day would be spent with my husband´s family, she said she was OK with that although I knew deep down she wasn´t. The in-laws don´t speak English and my mum doesn´t speak their language so can be awkward.
Anyway she comes out today with Oh I´m not coming, what´s the point in me being there etc lots of self-pitying stuff which she is very good at. She woud rather I took my 9 month old DS to her to spend Xmas in her tiny flat away from all his family not to mention his daddy. I told her that was how it was going to be and she said oh alright then.
My problem is I always feel stuck in the middle and hate the thought that she doesn´t really want to be there but puts on a false front and then slags off the situation to me behind everyone´s back - arrghh!
Sorry to ramble girls

Was going to post but Custardo has said exactly what I was thinking!

I won't stand for crap like this from anyone anymore - don't care if they are my mother or mother Theresa.

Thank you all, especially Ally. I will do that when she comes back from gallivantin' round the far east. It will be an effort, but I will stand up to her. And will brace myself for being called Shit as a Daughter again.

She is no help at Christmas either - just says "I'll give you a hand with that in a minute" and never does - takes no notice of the DDs, won't play with them, just sits there with her nose in a book and a G & T in the other hand. I can't say she adds anything to Christmas, but she has always made a big fuss about it (we used to have huge family Christmases when I was a child), oddly, for someone who is Jewish...

Great advice from Ally90. Just wish I could follow it myself as my mother is exactly how OP describes. I don t know what it is with our mothers as I don t know anyone of my own age who is like this with their kids. Is it a generational thing that our parents feel like they can treat their children like utter c*ap? There just seem to be so many of our parents generation that are like that.

OK, I told her last week that the outlaws were coming to us for Christmas. She said "Fine" (although it clearly wasn't) and changed the subject. She rang tonight and said I would need to tell her next week at the latest what the children wanted for Christmas as she would need to get presents and post them early.

She then went on to say "I will probably be all on my own for Christmas, but don't you worry about me. And if I am on my own I don't want you ringing on Christmas day to wish me a hapy christmas because it won't be, and don't expect me to ring you either."

So I said "Alright then," and changed the subject.

FFS, she has three brothers and a sister and it's not as if she would have to spend Christmas on her won. She also has a mother she could spend Christmas with, but she won't have her to stay "because she smells."

I am determined not to feel guilty.

Keep strong MrsSchaden.
Her issue,not yours

Thanks Moondog. I actually feel quite liberated. I invited her to come ands stay either next weekend or the weekend after, but she said she would have to let me know as she wasn't sure what she would be doing. (Having moaned for twenty minutes about how she never sees anyone or goes anywhere!) So I just said, fine, let us know what you decide.

Oh Mrs Sf that speech sounded exactly like my mother - are they twins

You are doing brilliantly, keep it up ...