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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice/Help?

16 replies

Wacappa1994 · 20/03/2020 10:58

I'm a 26 year old first time pregnant with my partner who I've been with for just over 1,5 years. We've been an instant match with plenty of physical and emotional attraction from day 1 and we both knew we wanted a baby together (I have never in my life felt like I'd have a child with any of my partners before but I do have an abusive background from my teenage hood and that has put me in a very bad mindset for a long time.) My partner has turned out to be extremely insecure and the only thing I can think of is that he thinks karma is coming for him. He had 2 long relationships and has cheated way too many times for me to even count or follow. I've never seen this as a threat to me because I am not insecure, I know if someone wants to cheat they will, regardless. However he has poisoned my mind with constant arguments, speculations and with trying to control me after just about half a year together. I used to live in a flatshare with my friends, I've moved out and in with him and his family with the intention of having our place since day 1 (around 6 months of our relationship) and this is yet to be done... so fast forward to January this year when I've lost my shit and packed my bags after having the same old argument of me wanting to have my alone time in the gym, because apparently I can't? I've moved out and decided that I'm done sacrificing myself. Didn't know that at the time I was 3 weeks pregnant. My hormones were obviously over the roof but that isn't my excuse, I know I wanted to end the arguments and the constant promises around us moving. He obviously was sad, devastated, told me he knows he isn't fair, shouldn't have told me all the bad things, he does trust me but it's just hard because he is insecure... at the end of january I found out i was over 3 weeks pregnant. Although we did broke up, he constantly said he wants to work this out but also argued with me quiet a lot. When I found out, I was really happy and I knew that this was a sign for us to sort our shit out and just get on with the life we wanted to live together, but with our baby. He was so happy when he found out, so is everyone else (our families) - but I feel like I'm just over it. I don't know if I've got any love/emotion left towards my partner, I've been picturing myself moving on and meeting other people, people who aren't insecure, people who I know would never ever try to control me. I am worried shitless that I'm about to have a child with the wrong person. He is so caring, 100% ready to give all his love to our child, put together a shopping list to our baby, saving his money like it's the end of the world to move out with me ASAP. But I still don't trust it. I have no idea if he's going to actually keep his word and be okay, or go back to his horrible self and argue with me over and over again because I have my own thoughts and opinion. I am not a needy person, I am very logical and practical, my brain is always stronger than my emotions and I have been feeling like this is a bad idea and that I should leave. I should stop this while I can and just be myself again. No compromise, no frustration, just me. I know it sounds horrible from my part and selfish, but if someone understands and can relate, I'd really want to hear your opinions. Thank you.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 20/03/2020 11:02

Stay away from him

Wacappa1994 · 20/03/2020 11:04

I mean I wish it was that simple, but is it really? I'm pregnant with our kid, if I do stay away from him I owe him an explanation, and what does that cover, staying away...

OP posts:
iwanttoshakesomeppl · 20/03/2020 11:07

It means you only speak to him about the baby and only see him when he sees the baby once born. He sounds suffocating.

Wacappa1994 · 20/03/2020 11:14

Ah I see. I'll be a bit clearer then. I got absolutely no intention having a kid on my own. My parents have separated when I was young and I've promised myself this won't happen to my child. I'm looking for a solution if there's any, but if there really isn't, I'm not willing to have a child by myself.

OP posts:
TeaStory · 20/03/2020 11:20

Of course he’s happy and caring now, he had you trapped.

I wonder if he really has been cheated on etc? Seems a convenient way to not only control you but get you feeling sorry for him as he does it.

TeaStory · 20/03/2020 11:20

*HAS you trapped

iwanttoshakesomeppl · 20/03/2020 11:23

How far gone are you? Don't stay with someone who makes you unhappy even though you have a child together. You don't have to be in a relationship to raise a child together.

Wacappa1994 · 20/03/2020 11:25

I know I don't have to be with someone to raise a child - however I just can't seem to be able to do that. I don't want to raise a child on my own, I don't want to deal with him if we're not together... I'm 10 weeks in.

OP posts:
Wacappa1994 · 20/03/2020 11:28

No he hasn't been cheated on, he is the one who's been cheating on others. I've got an extremely good sense for these and I'd know if I was cheated on (had it before, not him, others - without the slightest sign but I just knew it...) I don't think he cheated on me, and I personally don't think he thinks I'm trapped. He knows I can pack my bag and go if I wanted to. I'm not being threatened, nor am I being abused mentally. Does any of you believe that people do come to their senses eventually? I know I'm currently struggling with all my emotions being blurred and messed up as pregnancy isn't exactly just a joyride...

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 20/03/2020 11:41

10 weeks in, and you don't want to have a child on your own? You know that if you go ahead, you WILL be raising this child on your own. There is still time for a termination. Don't let anyone dissuade you if this is what you want.

Having a child is totally life-changing. Hard enough if mother and father are a tight unit, infinitely harder on your own. Don't walk into this with eyes shut and a vague hope that everything will turn out gine.

FlowerArranger · 20/03/2020 11:42

Fine, not gine...

Wacappa1994 · 20/03/2020 12:03

Yeah I hear you... thanks for reassuring me that it is my decision and I'm not a horrible human if i do decide that I wouldn't want it. I'm taking some time away next week and will try and reflect to come to a conclusion about everything. It's really hard to admit when you want something so badly, especially when everyone is so loving and caring (including your boyfriend) but you just can't see it. No visuals... Thanks for every single answer!

OP posts:
HowDidIBecomeThis · 20/03/2020 12:30

I had a termination 20 years ago when I became accidentally pregnant with someone I knew I didn't want in my life long term.

I have never regretted it and, even though I now have 2 children and am still a single parent, know that it was the right thing to do. If I had my time again, I'd make the same decision.

TeaStory · 20/03/2020 12:39

My apologies for misreading. Do you want to be tied to this man for at least 18 years, probably more?

I’m sorry, but I don’t rate your hopes of him “coming to his senses”. This is who he is.

Wacappa1994 · 20/03/2020 12:46

No, you're probably right. I don't believe in people changing either, at least not people who can't see their own wrongs...

Thanks again for all of you. I think I will be taking some time and space as now we are all working from home during this chaos and try and get my mind right in this whole situation.

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 20/03/2020 14:34

My hormones were obviously over the roof but that isn't my excuse, I know I wanted to end the arguments

At only a few weeks' pregnant, pregnancy hormone levels are still very low, it wouldn't have influenced your decision.

You can't trust him on one level, as you know he's cheated before, plus he's controlling. This is not a healthy relationship for you. It's not better than being free of him.

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