Abuse

[mumma97]

Myself and ex split up a few days before I moved out of my parents house, we was suppose to be moving together, it was his idea to move in with me and our one year old son, he got me all exited for it and then a few days before he split up with me and told me that he's no longer moving in with us.
Since then he has been coming over, cuddling me, kissing me etc..
He expects me to reply to his messages straight away, he talks to me as normal but is still adamant he doesn't want to be together.
I've told him to leave me alone if that's the case and to just concentrate on coparenting our son.
He has been abusive mentally, emotionally and physically recently and in the past and harassing none of which has put our son in harms way nor has he witnessed.
He's now using the corona virus as an excuse to come over because he doesn't want to be apart because he won't be able to cope with the paranoia that I'm doing something and he said he also wants to be with his family at a time like this.
He just turns up without asking or being invited.
I don't want to do anything extreme, I don't want an order or charges to be pressed but I am just wondering if there is anyway I can get him warned without it going on his record??
I don't know what to do anymore and everything I have explained has been massively down played.
I feel so stuck and I don't know what to do

Is there anywhere u can go? Family?

Stop letting him in.

On the corona side, he's putting your family at risk turning up like that.

You're going to have to buckle up and accept you might need to get the police involved.

Put in boundaries around the times he can see your child and stick to it. He needs to be used to you sticking up for yourself.

Also do not get back with him - DC may not have seen anything yet but will have heard and the tension affects them. Stay strong

Don't let him in
Call the police if he turns up again and won't leave

@lolaflores I've just moved out of my mums house, it's over crowded plus he knows where that it and he knows I'm either going to be at mine or my mums house 😒

@category12 I try not to let him in.. but sometimes it just doesn't work

@GracieLouFreebushh I've tried, he ignores and turns up anyway 😔 I'm trying to hard to be strong and just phone the police but there's so much he's put in my head

I am sorry that you are involved with all of this. He sounds controlling and coercive.
Just because he’s knocking at the door does not mean that you have to let him in. If he becomes abusive because you won’t open the door then ring the police.
The advice that I have had in the past is to send him a letter stating clearly that it is over and you do not want him to contact you other than when organising contact with your child. If he continues to contact you having been told not to then this is harassment and can be dealt with by the police.
You have a right to decide who you see and when. And as for him kissing you and cuddling you when you have told him that it is over, that is sexual harassment. No means no.

Keep reminding yourself that you have the right to say no. You have the right to decide who you see and when.
These are basic rights and anyone who doesn’t recognise them is abusing you.

How doesn't it work?
Does he physically push past you? Does he have a key? Does he make a scene?

If he persuades you or guilts you, you can simply not answer the door to him. And if he kicks off on the doorstep, you call the cops.

If he physically barges past, don't open the door to him at all.
If he has a key, get the locks changed, it's fairly simple to do.
Him making a scene isn't your problem, (neither is his record), he has choices he can make, such as not to harrass you.

I try not to let him in.. but sometimes it just doesn't work

What does this mean? Just leaving him banging on the door if you need to.

He’s got you right where he wants you. He won’t stop when you ask him to. He’s a selfish piece of work who doesn’t give a damn about what you want. In current times, that makes him particularly dangerous. You don’t know where he’s going and what risks he might be taking as regards CV.

You know he has filled your head with BS and you need to break the thinking he has created in you. Could you write yourself a script of what to say through the door next time he turns up - don’t open it to him. Say it through the door. Something very simple like:

• We are in lockdown because of CV. You cannot come in. You must go away and leave us alone. If you don’t do that, I will call the police.

Or whatever it is you would prefer. But keep it simple and refuse to be drawn into any discussion.

Repeat the script a few times and if that doesn’t work, call the police. Explain there has been DV in the past. This is continuing abuse.

You’re a mother now - it’s not just about protecting yourself, it’s about protecting your son. It’s true that CV seems pretty harmless to children but where will he be if you get ill? You won’t be able to get support from older relatives because they’ll be particularly at risk. So you need to do this for both of you.

As a PP suggested, you could write a letter setting out parameters of when he can have contact with your DS but for now it will have to be indirect: eg FaceTime or similar. Not easy with a 1 yr old but safety first.

You seem very confused OP. How is he getting into the house?

You can co parent by organising third party handovers or handovers in a neutral place like a nursery or school. However, that isn't possible right now. You have access to a computer and perhaps smartphone, so you can organise a time every day for face timing. Tell him not to come over because of the virus as it's not safe for your child.

Tell him that it isn't ok for him to come to your house uninvited and you won't let him in. If you can't change the locks due to a rental contract or because you can't afford it/get someone to come over, then fix a chain or leave your key in the lock.

There are Police Information Notices (PIN) which aren't particularly effective but may be worth looking into. They are harassment warnings and warn the recipient that further harassment may amount to a conviction.

You may be better off with a Non Molestation Order. A Non Mol is written specifically for the situation so it means that you can continue to co parent but if he is abusive and breaks the order, it's a criminal offence and he can be arrested.

Block him on everything bar email and tell him to email you only regarding your child. Keep a log of his behaviour. Keep texts and messages that you can use as evidence. Send him an email telling him that you will consider him coming to your place uninvited or calling as harassment and will contact the police. That he is to email only regarding child arrangements. That from now on, you will be facetiming at 10am on Mon/Wed/Fri due to the virus but once it is safe, child contact will be organised at agreed times.

What's going on regarding child maintenance OP?

@12345kbm He doesn't have a key, he just kicks off that much and threatens me and my family that I feel so scared and I let him in, he's hit me before so I never doubt he will do it again so I feel like I have no choice but to let him in, I've threatened him with a non mol order before and he said he will kill me if I did that, he would make my life hell... I've said I'd call the police and press charges and he just tells me how good he is at manipulation and he will put it all on me and have my son taken away. I'm just so scared.
He doesn't pay maintenance, he never has. He has another son with a girl he was with before me and he doesn't pay his way with the other child either

This is a lot more serious that you outlined OP. I have something to do for the next hour or so but will get back to you with further advice.

@12345kbm it is even more serious than that, I have sugar coated a lot of it

He doesn't have a key, he just kicks off that much and threatens me and my family that I feel so scared and I let him in, he's hit me before so I never doubt he will do it again so I feel like I have no choice but to let him in

Call the police. Not only will the operator hear and record the call, which will pick him up shouting, banging and screaming threats, you can film it all and show the police when they get there.

He can't 'put it all' on you when there's video evidence of him being an abusive cock.

And you wouldn't lose your child in any case.

Call the police. Tell them what he's doing, tell them what he's done to you, what he's threatening. Let them deal with the little big man.

Don't wait till the next time, @mumma97.

Call the police now and ask to be put through to their Domestic Violence unit. His behaviour is likely to escalate and you are in real danger. Get moving on getting the protection you need and deserve.

And read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It's available online as a free PDF.

OP you need to contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and state what you've said here. They will do a risk assessment and advise you on what to do next. They will also discuss your legal options National Domestic Abuse Helpline - 0808 2000 247

I advise you to go into a refuge initially and get an emergency non molestation order. You also need to inform your parents to contact the police should he turn up. They are not to open the door to him as he has made death threats. They should dial 999.

I also suggest you dial 101 and speak to the police, get the ball rolling on this asap. No contact whatsoever, no child contact. Let him take you to court as you don't want someone like that near your child. Don't block him. People will advise you to block but don't because a. text messages will alert you to his intentions eg I'm coming over now and b. They can be used as evidence.

Don't respond to him. Don't answer calls or text back without first gaining advice. Divert calls directly to voice mail which can also be used as evidence.

Don't let him into your home again. Dial 999 if he kicks off. Keep a log of behaviour (this is so important as it's used as evidence in court).