How will I ever trust again?

[Poppy54]

My "husband" is a sex addict. I found out one month after our wedding.

Found an email which led to an account on an escort website. 20+ women over 5 years while with his ex. "Just" one with me which he was "driven to" by years of abuse from me, he says. I have a severe psychiatric condition which means I can effectively break from reality for 2 or 3 days at a time and run around like a crazy person, I can be dangerous to myself and him. He knew this from the time I met him. I've never hidden it. He knew what he was taking on and more importantly, I recognize I have a problem. A big one. And I have been working to fix it all day every day, for about two decades.

He doesn't. Think he has a problem I mean. He thinks he's just "very sexual" and that his 20+ with ex was a normal reaction to her cheating on him for years (she had an affair, she told me this herself in the past. And poor martyr always maintained he'd never done anything in retaliation) and that doing it now with me is similar - he "fucked up" and made "a stupid mistake" due to the abuse and insanity he deals with at home.

I actually believe this! At the start. Then I found MORE stuff. Now I'm just broken.

How do I ever trust another man, ever again? I had no no NO idea. It's been months, I'm still in shock, I can't believe it.

He was the love of my life. And genuinely, I was so happy. We both were I thought.

I even considered staying, if he sought help. As he's stood by me during my struggles with my major lifelong battle with a condition. I'd have tried to do the same for him. But he doesn't think he has a problem... Deep down, I think that's probably for the best. Will keep me safely away from him, and let me move on.

But I still just can't believe this is happening. If I hadn't come across one random email, I'd be none the wiser... How will I ever be able to relax that something like this isn't lurking under the surface with anyone in future?

I wish he'd literally stabbed me in the heart, it couldn't possibly be more painful than this.

If you can advise, please do. Love to you all in this community. The only people I could possibly talk to about this 😭😭 will it ever end? I feel like I've died.

Oh goodness big hugs to you at this time. I suffer from ptsd and if he pushes me I can go very mad also and sometimes they dont help our mental health may the truth be told. Then they turn it around on us and play the blame game. You have married this man and to find that out just after is heart breaking. I got my partners phone yesterday and I notice he delets his history but with having had wine he forgot to. I heard about this from one of his friend years ago and of course said he was telling lies and so I believed him or maybe I didnt because I checked his phone a lot. I think I have been in denal because he is very loving and has always spoilt me. Does matter really does it? What about LOYALTY!! I dont trust him but thought after we finally had a baby a beautiful boy! He would change. Well he has a lot I dont have to look for him anymore to see where he is which was a nightmare. He is a great dad and a great provider but there is definitely more to him that meets the eye. I now do believe this is my time to walk xx

Excuses Excuses Excuses.

He cheated on his ex with sex workers - because she cheated on him/had an affair.
Did he definitely only start after he found out about her affair? Even if he did, his choices were to end the relationship or ask her for an open relationship; not repeatedly use sex workers. It's an excuse.

You have a condition, he was aware of it from the start, if he was unhappy and felt he was suffering abuse; his options were to end the relationship (or ask for open relationship but much less relevant in your case because you had not cheated on him (?) and your issues were not about infidelity). He had the right to end the relationship. He didn't, he chose to cheat on you with a sex worker (which was already established as a habit in his life, right). Again, it's an excuse.

He's a "sex addict", a user of sex workers, a punter .... That's the baseline, the relationships he's in are just concurrent with that.

It sounds like it's hard enough for you to manage with your condition, without all the pain, flux, conflict, resentment, lack of trust etc. caused by his infidelity ... If doesn't sound healthy for you.

As to trusting someone else; not all men use sex workers, in fact probably the minority do. Not all men are cheaters. You could find another partner when you have recovered. Don't judge everyone by him.

Whether his behaviour/addiction truly started because his ex cheated in him is something I'd wonder about .. but even if it did; that became his MO, his habit, his default to drop back to, his character ... and that's unlikely to change.

Even if it did change he had fucked up your relationship with it, and it's 100,% understandable that you couldn't stay in the relationship with him and that it wouldn't work.

Can't say I believe in sex addiction much either - usually it's a get out fir a cheater and just causes the betrayed partner to stay while they "get help" only to suffer more because they don't change.

Give time time and you will heal.
Most people are glad to be out of shitty relationships, a few months down the line.
Take care hun

his 20+ with ex was a normal reaction to her cheating on him for years (she had an affair

No, it isn't.

The men I know who were cheated on and found out ended their relationship/marriage. That's a normal reaction. Not having sex with prostitutes (what a lovely word escorts is) twenty times.

Sorry but it sounds like the experience of paid sex with different women/bodies suited his "very sexual" character well so he kept doing it. And it says a lot that he went there - to using prostitutes - in the first place. He's obviously in the section of the male population that cross that line and get involved in prostitution, which some men simply wouldn't.

I'd also wonder about his ex's affair - what came first?
When she admitted to you she'd had an affair, did she tell you the circumstances it started in?)

And poor martyr always maintained he'd never done anything in retaliation)

Just to point out that you say he's the live of your life - but you've only thought that because you were deceived about his character - you thought he was a decent guy whose previous relationship had ended because he was cheated on; you dud t know that actually he'd become a repeat user of sex workers during the relationship (and probably during ant single time before you two got into a steady relationship) so you didn't know something fundamental and very significant about him.

If you had, you might not have gotten into a relationship with him at all (which would've been the wise course) or you'd have had massive reservations and not had a positive, trusting view of his character ... You haven't known the real him, who you thought he was doesn't exist, so the person you thought was the love of your life doesn't either. Sounds v harsh but it might help you in recovering.

He sounds a mixed up and damaged ill person.
As well as scorn he deserves pity and forgiveness.

As well as scorn he deserves pity and forgiveness

Someone who refuses to take responsibility for their own actions and blames a partners mental illness deserves neither pity nor forgiveness imo.

Mysogyny and piss poor impulse control on the other hand is NOT an illness!

Just to add i'm really sorry this has happened to you OP, please don't let anyone use your illness as a stick to beat you with.

@GilbertMarkham I did think that yes..