What is the differnce between being laid back about things and having insufficient boundaries

[emilybag]

I have a friend who fairly regularly does things that irritate me because he just doesn't think about how his actions impact on others. It's fairly minor self-centred stuff, rather than fleecing old ladies or drunk driving. Usually when something happens, I am really angry at first, then keep out of his way until what ever he did doesn't seem important anymore, but I never tell him how I feel. I used to think that this was because I'm fairly laid back and there are more important things to worry / disagree about. But after a recent series of incidents, culminating in him letting me down because he couldn't be bothered to do something, I've realised that maybe I just have poor boundaries and I should have told him years ago how his actions impact on me.

Can someone clarify how you can be laid back about stuff but still have strong boundaries in place so that people don't take advantage of you?

If you were laid back you would not get bothered about it. People who, are genuinely, in open relationships aren’t bothered by their OH having a girlfriend or boyfriend. They don’t feel hurt, retreat in anger and pain, then come back to the same person in a state of “forgiveness”.

I used to think that this was because I'm fairly laid back and there are more important things to worry

That’s what you told yourself because you were too afraid to assert yourself.

You'd have to give more info or a specific example.

What kind of things?

@LemonTT even people in open relationships can have friendships or work relationships or whatever where they go 'right, that is not ok.'

@emilybag I know being 'laid back' is prized (probably because that helps abusers, who are primarily men) but it's how a thing makes you feel that really counts, and if something of any kind makes you unhappy then it's ok to say so and not accept it. That is setting boundaries.

You say you aren't happy with what your friend did or didn't do- and that's ok- you have boundaries and that's a good thing, we all need to for our safety and comfort, Now you have to enforce them.

One thing is having a sense of how you should be treated (boundaries) which you have.

The next thing is setting them out and enforcing them.

You know where your boundaries are you just choose not to put a fence and guard dog on your boundaries. You watch the local scoundrels wander into your garden to have a smoke and piss in your plant pots while you seethe as you peek through the curtains.

Get out there with a pitchfork.

Put up a big fence so they can't get anywhere near your flowerbeds.

@LemonTT come to think of it, even in an open relationship/polyamory someone can be unhappy with what their partner's doing in some ways.

Not enough info here I’m sorry.

But as a pp said, laid back is not giving a shit. Poor boundaries is letting people treat you badly, being upset about it, and then letting them do it again,

Thanks @NoMoreDickheads that's really helpful. I think part of my underlying problem is that as a child my mum was very heavy on making sure people liked you and that you didn't upset them. I still carry that with me now.

When I think about my friend at the moment, I bounce between 1) being really angry at him, not particularly for letting me down this time but for the cumulative effect of all the times he's been inconsiderate, and 2) thinking oh it would be really nice to just go for a beer (in normal circumstances not whilst we are self-isolating) have a laugh and forget that he has made me angry. However, I know that whilst that would be a short term nice time, in a few weeks I'd probably be back to being annoyed with him because of something else thoughtless he's done.

So you were brought up to be a people pleaser.

There's a cure for that:-

When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Laid back- you don't care so you do nothing about it.

Poor boundaries- you do care but you do nothing about it

Fight it. Plan to upset him. How?

Maybe it would be helpful to imagine it was a good friend of yours in your place being treated the way he treats you, and thinking what you would advise them. (And then asking yourself why you're not a better friend to yourself, why you'd tolerate what you wouldn't expect someone else to).

next time make yourself tell him

You'll find the more you do it, the easier it is and you'll feel relief from not stuffing feelings.

I'm sure if you give an example of something he's done, posters here can help with what to say to him.

Have you read up on co-dependency?

There's lots of information there about boundaries, assertiveness, communicating honestly, expressing needs etc.

Say he didn't turn up after you agreed to meet.

Laid back person - could joke about his time keeping and genuinely never think about it again.

Person with weak boundaries- secretly seethes but doesn't raise the grievance as they don't want to be disliked

As a very general answer to your question, it isn't a boundary issue. People who are "laid back" aren't letting people overstep; it's just that their boundaries are wider than yours (which is 100% fine). They do still have boundaries and if someone crossed them they would be told no. Having insufficient boundaries means you do not enforce the boundaries you do have, which you should and must do to be healthy and happy. Also, by not having the confidence in yourself to enforce boundaries, you will become anxious and therefore the opposite of laid back Laid back people are laid back because they trust themselves x

To add to the above...a laid back person will think "I have the confidence in my own judgement to know I will say no if and when necessary". A person who for whatever reason (societal pressure, shyness, self-doubt, feelings of unworthiness) will think "I really hope they won't do that, oh no what if they do, what will I say, oh god it's all gone wrong" I know his because I do it myself x

For me, the difference is in:

a) how many times it happens; and
b) if they offer another very positive characteristic that makes up for the unreliability.

Only you can decide where your boundary lies.

I also look at how they feel about the same being done to them.
I used to have a friend who would regularly be very late or not turn up (to mostly group events, so it wasn’t really a big deal). She’d be very unapologetic which was a bit annoying. But I knew she genuinely didn’t mind at all when the same was done to her, so I just learnt to expect it and not mind.