Coping with toxic relationship

[Lonelydolphin]

NC for this. Sorry if there’s already a thread on this. I know it’s minor in the grand scheme of things, but is anyone else in a toxic relationship and dreading the inevitable challenges of the next few weeks? Usually I work full time, and H storms off to the pub regularly, so at least we have space. Tonight in the middle of 2 days not speaking to me over a small disagreement he has taken 1 year old DS to the pub which has set my anxiety over the edge. When I asked him not to he accused me of not allowing him time with DS. I’m just looking for ways to cope over the next few weeks (neither of us have anywhere else to escape to) or others in the same position who might also be looking for support.

Why has he taken a baby to the pub against medical advice? This is your child OP and you need to step up here. You protect your child from virus's and abusive drunks.

Contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and get advice. I would look for somewhere to take my child away from him during the isolation period. Where's he going to take her next, ICU?

It’s not just the next few weeks - we are looking at many months at quite likely 6 months.

Is he a problem drinker?

What are his toxic behaviours?

How many DCs do you have?

There will be many disruptive and pressures from money, to health, to social distancing and isolation.

Your worries are v real? Has he got physical.

The police have plans in place to respond to a significant increase in DV.

Have you spoken about this to anyone in RL.

Because like many he doesn’t realise the seriousness of the situation. Unfortunately he is in a profession that doesn’t work from home, so is still going to the office as normal, so his life hasn’t had to change.
I’m not sure where abusive drunk has come from - he storms off to the pub was meant as he goes out to the pub when he’s in a bad mood, not to get drunk.
He is in no way physically abusive, or a problem drinker. By toxic I mean that we don’t get on well, we bicker constantly and don’t seem to be able to communicate. We were on a waiting list for counselling, but god knows how long that wait will now be.
We have one DS.
My family and friends in RL know how tough the last few months have been, but I was hoping for some support for others in a similar position.

Taking a 1 year old to a pub at this time isn't OK!! He's doing it to get to you and pull your strings. Also taking your 1 year old out to a pub at this time is stupid, showing he doesn't care about the wellbeing of your child. You need to leave him. This is coming from someone who was in a non violent abusive relationship

Ok. Like I said, there is nowhere for either of us to go, so we are stuck for the immediate future. I was just looking for some support to save my mental health, not to make me feel any worse about an already tough situation.

Go to the pub and get your child back OP.

Abusive drunk comes from the fact you say he keeps storming off to the pub and that he ignores you which is abusive. He's also risking your child's life.

I wouldn't be on MN right now, I would be on my way to get my one year old back from the pub. The government have advised people not to go crowded places because there's a virus OP.

How about agreeing a daily routine OP where both of u take DS out for a walk (while we can) while the other chills/works? Or same thing but time in garden with DS?
Also I'm guessing DS naps-use that time to relax somewhow if u can.
If that doesn't work agree to give each other space at home, so u read book in bath while he watches his programme for example.
I suppose in essence communicate how to spend time away from each other & destress whilst in a very tricky situation

Thank you @FrankieKnuckles I really appreciate the practical suggestions.
Luckily DS is a good napper so I will at least have 1.5 - 2 hours to try and relax or get on with some work.

For the other posters, DS has been home for 2 hours, and it is not a crowded pub, only a few other customers at the most. So he has not been exposed to a crowded place, no different to a coffee shop, which admittedly I have taken him to today.

Sorry OP, but everyone should be self-isolating, full stop. Only by doing so will this crisis end in good time. TBH, I would leave him for taking my child to a pub at all right now, full stop.

You want practical suggestions. Here’s one: leave him. You say you have nowhere to go. Could you get a flat if your own, or work towards it?

If your husband is still going to work and the pub as normal, and you’re still going to coffee shops, I don’t see how much has changed for you.

Good luck. This is going to get worse. If I were you — and granted, I’m lucky in that I have savings etc — I would be moving ASAP. Perhaps without telling him at all.

There is no guidance that anyone who isn’t in the risk groups should be self isolating at the moment. We are being advised to socially distance which is very different. DS’s nursery are still open, as are schools until Friday.
I don’t really think buying a takeaway coffee is a sign that nothing has changed for me. I have been working from home for 2 weeks now, whereas usually I work full time in an office and have an active social life.
You don’t know my financial situation or whether or not I have savings. I said we have nowhere to go right now - we’re hardly able to look for a rental property and move in the current situation. As I said, just looking for practical suggestions for the immediate situation that 2 weeks ago seemed very far fetched.

To be fair OP, you've gone from a toxic relationship with him storming off to the pub with you 1 year old son, to a relationship where you bicker a bit, and took said same child to a coffee shop earlier and the pubs apparently less crowded and clearly alcohol free by your take.
Either be straight in your original post or don't get defensive when people comment based on it.

There's a big change from toxic relationship etc etc etc to cna someone recommend something to do with a child and 2 parents working from home

I am struggling with the image that an angry drunk man is in a pub at 8pm with a baby - whether we are social distancing or not.

I am sorry OP that this is your life.