Why oh why do I get annoyed at the very mention of my partners child’s mother??

[Kel9]

Hi ladies....

A change of topic from Corona lol

I’ve been with my man for 3 years and we are getting married in May.. if corona settles.

He has been married before as have i. He was married for ten months and this marriage was due to his ex becoming pregnant. I was married for 5 years and my ex heated however we had a son too.

He has been separated from his ex since his son was about 11 months, he’s now 8.

When we first got together she was a pain in the arse in the sense that she gave my man hell whenever he went to get his son just because he met me.

She’s caused a few dramas since we’ve been together but I don’t get involved. I support him when he needs to talk/vent. He’s been to get his wee boy are when he’s at the door she rants and swears leaving the wee one to watch 🙈

To date, when ever her names mentioned I just recoil. We only see my oh son at weekends and due to her behaviour I find it hard to get a bond with his son which I’m not proud to say out loud.

She has calmed significantly in the last few weeks/month but I can only imagine what she says to her little boy. I have encouraged my oh to seek guidance from a solicitor in the past but he’s worried that she will withhold the wee one in the mean time.

Anybody else have similar with partners? X

Yes. I think its understandable to have a reaction to someone or mention of them when they have caused stress or upset. My DH ex (they have 2 DC) has caused so many issues and I just don’t want to hear about her and it has caused problems with my relationship with the children too. What I would say is try to sort it out now rather than leave it. In my case problems went on for years where she would badmouth me to DH and to the kids and DH let her do it so as to avoid upsetting her but it got to a point where the DC were different with me when the came over to our house and of course it affected things as they had an attitude as if taught by their parents not to respect me and also she has caused so many problems that I don’t think we could ever be in a situation together really. If the DC got married, for example, it would be so awkward and difficult as she is blatantly rude (eg she has sent texts to me and letters to the house swearing and calling me name but I have never done that to her)

What is she shouting about?
If he does all he can to reduce the drama that should help
Does he arrive on time and is he reliable?
Does he pay what he should ?
Make sure that you are positive about the mum in boys presence and be careful kids overhear more than you realise!
Would a group meeting help? Set ground rules about conduct I.e no shouting slagging off other parent also be clear who is responsible for all the stuff like homework uniform haircuts school trip money so all the petty things are clear
Try and work on your positivity towards the poor boy,

Why have you suggested your OH goes to a solicitor? For what? He has access to his son. I feel sad that you are unable to bond with his son simply because you don't like his mother

I mean god! That’s awful!!

It sounds like she still had this attachment to the idea that they might be a family and your intruding... same as my oh ex. She’s I think a bit of a fantasist and even after 8 years separated and him seeing different people she had thoughts of a family life with him. Unfortunately he doesn’t feel the same he’s made it clear that had he not been in the armed forces he would not have went there with her and admits he was happy to engage her because he was lonely and young which is awful.. but he was young.

She also thought I wanted to take over as mum but nope!! She couldn’t be more wrong lol I’ve got my own to care for!!

It would be nice to have a better relationship with both going forward but not too sure. My oh also will try appease her and is always polite but he wouldn’t dare talk shit about me!! Hats of to you for dealing with that! X

My oh pays what he should. He gets the wee one when he should.

She was angry because I bought her son a colouring set. And yes she swore and went crazy... this is not an exaggeration. I think she feels I’m trying to be a mum, I’m not just trying to bond.

I said about solicitor as when she was pissed in the passed she threatened to stop him going to get his son... she would be annoyed at us being out as a family she didn’t want us to do that. 🤷‍♀️ I honestly don’t know what else we could do.

If you're marrying this guy, you really need to work on your relationship with his little boy. He's not an extension of his mother.

It might be helpful if your partner found a different outlet for venting about his ex, as it does you no good to hear it and you can't do anything about it. Maybe put a time limit on it per rant if nothing else, as it's not OK to dump on you continually.

Yep I think your right. I try when his wee boy is here. Our sons get on very well so they don’t see what’s going on in the background.

It’s difficult but we will get there.

When we first me she was raging saying thinks like she will never be my sons step mum... 🤷‍♀️ Or that my son would never be her sons step brother and she would also say that to her son. She then demanded to meet me but my oh told her not on these terms! As at the time she was on a bit of a rampage.

Going forward our boys are older I don’t know if there would be a point he can make up his mind when he wants to come over.

Your focus needs to be on bonding with your future SS, especially if his DM is causing trouble, he will need your house to be stable and secure for him

Yes it is tough. You may find on Mumsnet you don’t get much sympathy as a step mother or future step mother so be wary of that. They to separate the child form he but also speak to your OH about any issues. In my case I found it all so much easier to deal with if we were working as a team. I also took some satisfaction from not behaving as she does. She is ten years older than me (as is DH) but I have never sent her a nasty message / call or letter or called her names or sworn at her.

Bunnythebee

Thank you, it’s nice to hear from someone in a similar position!

I’m the same I don’t react to her, she is also older than me but not acting like it. To be fair she’s been quiet for sometime... I’m thinking the next time the drama arises will be when we get married. 🙈

After we got married she announced she was getting married to someone she has known about 3 months (DC told us) but then it didn’t work out. She then wasn’t happy when we had a baby but unfortunately we lost the baby and she was still an arse... Being a SM is really hard without the added drama. Sorry, just seen all the typos in my last post!

I didn’t spit them

Aww it’s not ideal is it! I’ll try my hardest going forward with my step son I always treat him the same as mine. I suppose I always had a different idea from what it would be until my rose tinted glasses were well and truly knocked off my face lol x

Spot them I mean lol

My ex has moved in with his girlfriend (of 2 months) and her children about an hour away from me, today actually.
We have 2 DC's and he has introduced them to her and her kids, and I'm ok with that, as I know I absolutely don't want to be with him again. I'm not interested in meeting her either (don't know if that's wise).
The only thing that annoys me is he's probably not going to have the kids as much now and evidently will spend more time with her children now. I said to him the other day, you're not going to be able to help with the school runs, and the first thing he said was 'well my dad didn't take me to school' .
To be honest I feel sad for his girlfriend, as he will be putting on a charm, as 2 months is still the honeymoon phase, but I know it won't be long till his mask slips, as he's an abusive person, constantly shouted at me, called me some horrible names, I literally did everything when we were together, he was so lazy. He says he's changed, but he's still the same to me, and set in his ways, nothing is ever his fault.
I don't want to create any drama, as I might end up in a relationship one day, and I know I wouldn't want my ex to do that to me.
Hopefully as time goes on it will get better for you

Thanks I hope so too. You’ve done well stepping back in your situation and you are right his true colours will show... 2 months is quick!!

My oh has his son at weekend which hasn’t changed but he won’t stay over so it’s drop off at night. We’ve been in the house for years and he loves my son so I feel this is more his mum than him. Will just have to see how it goes. X

If she wanted to meet you would she be up for a meeting now? I would have said a public place like a coffee shop but now... m if by be good for her to see you are just a normal woman and not the evil one.

There are always going to be women who are utter cunts when it comes to anything to do with their ex - the abuse , the sending of nasty texts , getting children to lie , trying to make their presence felt , then there is the constant communication as if to say "I'm still here " .... Just try to let it wash over you but I know exactly where you are coming from .

😂😂 so true!!! I’d much rather there was no drama at all but I suppose that’s in an ideal world!! She’s not moved on and met someone so I think that’s part of the problem 🙈