Regret having my baby? Guilty feeling? Relationship issues?

[Poppygirl96]

This is going to be quite a long and frankly shocking post.

I made a previous post about how I wasn’t sure I wanted to get married to my partner and how we had a baby super quickly in our relationship before I had a chance to work out what I was doing in life. We got together super quickly and I moved into his house because of external circumstances.

Anyways, I realised pretty early into our relationship (say a year when we got engaged) that I didn’t love him (I mean I loved him but not in love with him) and wasn’t sure how to handle those feelings and thought they would go away. Everyone told me to stay in the relationship and that I am mature and don’t know what I am feeling.

So. I listened to them and stayed hoping things that were making me not love him would get better. I tried to tell him gently things that were bothering me but it never did. Because I was so desperate to be in a relationship and I didn’t want to lose a good guy I stuck with him and had a baby hoping it would make him more romantic and caring and be there for me and I hoped it would make me fall IN love with him. Anyways fast forward and we’ve had the baby and I don’t feel like anything has changed.

In fact we have decided to split (my decision) and it hurts because I feel like I held on so long to a relationship that I should have let go of a long time ago. I guess I was scared to hurt him and I was scared to be alone. And I’ve brought a baby into such toxic and crazy circumstances and am finding it hard to relax and bond with my son as I feel guilty knowing I did things the wrong way around and used having my son as a way to try and fix things rather than because I genuinely wanted him.

I am on antidepressants and seeing a therapist so of course no one can make me feel worse than I already do. My ex partner and I have agreed to stay in our house and co parent until we can afford to sell and get a good return on our investment but it’s so hard battling my guilt and living with my ex whilst trying to coparent and be happy around our son without all these thoughts in my head.

My ex is really happy and wants to start a new life for himself and now is a completely changed man doing all the things that I wanted him to do when we were together. And I feel cheated because he’s only stared changing now that we are not together and acts like he has a new lease on life and I feel like stuck that I have to see him everyday be a better person and I’m alone with a baby that didn’t ask to be here.

I know I will be flamed and roasted in the comments I accept that. I just don’t know what to do/any thoughts?

I’ve written this post twice as I feel I’d have a better chance at getting replies here.

Im sorry you are so unhappy. I’m not sure what to suggest other than it will take time. Some mums do take a while to bond with their child. Dont feel guilty. Children are a blessing however they have come into the world. How old is he? Is your ex a good dad? Can he do more of childcare to give you a real break. Motherhood isnt easy!

Are you working? Put your energy into thinking about the new life you want. Will you have 50:50 custody - will you stay in the family home. So much to think about but take your time. Have you family and friends to support you?

It's an awful feeling, and I think it comes with the realisation that you are now committed to raising a child for the next 20 years while he is free to go off and make another life for himself.

It's very unfair.

I hope you manage to get your head around it. Bitterness is really unhealthy and could ruin your life. We all make mistakes - show me someone who says they haven't and I'll show you a liar.

Make the best life you can for yourself and your child. I wish you lots of luck.

Regret is pointless. You made a decision and it didn’t work out and now it’s time to move on.

You’ll never move forward if you hang onto what might’ve beens. Ending the relationship was the right decision because neither of you were happy. Talk of being robbed keeps you stuck. Let the relationship and your hopes for the happy ever after with this man go.

You made some bad decisions but you are not a bad person and if you can forgive yourself, you will be able to start enjoying your lovely baby.

People don't change - your ex will go back to be being who he always was once he realises you are not coming back to him. I think you should move out and start the rest of your life - you deserve to be happy.

It is fear which is stopping you being happy.

You sound like you are in the eye of a shit storm right now, so I'm really relieved to read you have reached out for help. It is shocking when the reality of what we have committed to by becoming a parent becomes apparent in moments like these. Don't for one second think you are alone in that. As difficult as it may be, you need to face the fact that you are here for your lovely baby, you are all that he or she (sorry I can't remember if you mentioned what sex your baby is) has. You are their whole world.

I really hope you are taking all of these thoughts and feelings to therapy, please use that space to explore all of this. And don't put your ex on a pedestal. That relationship ended for a reason, take the focus off him, you have far bigger stuff to look at right now. Don't go back there.
Good luck, stay strong, you can do this. Parenting is overwhelming, and anyone who doesn't experience that is, I don't know, not human maybe.

Gosh OP this sounds like a tough situation. Sending you a virtual hug. Absolutely no criticism from me, life is a tough road full of difficult choices.

Took me ages to bond with my baby but now at 18 months old I'm really enjoying her and feel much closer and connected x

@AgentJohnson but the thing is my partner was happy, he was extremely happy he didn’t want to end the relationship and so he’s heartbroken which is why I feel so guilty!

Why are you feeling ‘alone with the baby’ if you’re still living together? Isn’t he doing his share of looking after the baby?

Is it absolutely necessary economically for you to stay living together? That sounds psychologically very tough.

That sounds unbelievably tough. How was he acting when you were together? Sounds like he wasn't the model partner.

@GalleyHead I did everything it was almost like I was a live in babysitter or a roommate and I started to resent him so physically I started to get turned off him to the point where I fell out of love and whenever I tried to reignite that spark it just felt forced :(

From your previous thread I remember your main issue was the physical side of your marriage. You say he’s doing all the things you wanted him to do while you were together, what does that mean? What is he doing?

Also you say he’s happy and wants to start a new life then that he’s heartbroken and you feel guilty?

@Princessfaffalot he’s happy in that he gets to re invent himself and start a new life and says he’s gonna do all the stuff (e.g go gym, eat healthy be more social, go clubbing and hang out more with friends) that he stopped doing in our relationship. However I know deep down inside he’s only doing all this to appear happy (well I’m hoping so) because I know that he still is in love with me

But if you’re still living together, surely you get to share care of the baby, so you can both go to the gym, see friends etc? It’s not that he’s totally without responsibilities, or has skipped out to a carefree bachelor life...?

@CastleSalem it’s more the fact that he’s choosing to do this stuff now that we are not together. In a relationship he has no desire to do any of this stuff apart from taking it in turns looking after our baby. He will sit on the couch eat crap and not hang out with anyone. I know he’s probably acting like he’s gonna change and do better for himself because he’s hurt and still loves me so he’s trying to find distractions. I guess it just hurt seeing him change anyways deep down I know this behaviour probably won’t last