Terrified of husband's reaction if I lose my job

[armsandtoes]

The company I work for has been struggling, but there is a great feeling that Coronavirus will finish it off completely in the coming weeks. People aren't coming, so no money is coming in.

I'm terrified of my husband's reaction if I am unemployed. I know what to expect as I was made redundant a few years ago and I was subjected to him shouting at me for hours when I got home. Saying all sorts of things, like he was only going to buy me the cheapest and most basic food. He said because he was the only one earning money, whatever he says goes and I have no say in anything anymore. I hate being shouted at, it makes me extremely anxious and wound up. Fortunately I found a job very quickly.

I wish this was a wind up but it's not. He is not on a terribly low wage - his take home is over £2100 a month (not sure how much exactly) and our mortgage, bills and food are about £1600ish

I won't have anywhere else to go if I'm jobless with no income either. No friends, and no family who are practical or have space. I have stayed with him mostly for convenience and can't see how I can cope alone financially. Just terrified of losing my job atm.

I’d rather sleep in my car than put up with that shit. Tell him to get fucked while you walk out the door!
There are way to many good decent men out there to put up with that.
Be strong OP

The only acceptable reaction is a cuddle and reassurance that things will be OK, and you will get through it as a team

Put up with this until the C19 epidemic is over and you get a new job. Make sure you have good contraception. Then leave. You do not have to put up with this, you know he's abusive.

Go to your local CAB and get a run down of what you'd be entitled to if you were to end up unemployed ... You could perhaps house share on whatever UC you get while you job hunt.

It's a good thing you don't have kids.

Couples support each other - I left my not very well paid but secure job in 2013 to move to join my now husband where he was working in the ME. I did not find it easy to find a new job there at all and he supported me the entire time I job hunted until we left and moved to England. On top of that my small house didnt rent for 6 six months and he paid the costs in that until it did.

After having a baby we left England (to return home to our region of the UK) and I had to leave by job and couldn't return after maternity leave, he paid for everything until I found work for a couple of days a week - it doesn't make any real money but he knows I wanted to get my CV going and not be doing childcare 5 days a week single supports it. That's normal behaviour in a marriage. Pay proportionally what you can and support each other the best you can if there are interruptions to your income.

Jesus!

Get out of this. Please. This is so abusive. You don’t have children.

Do you own? Rent?

*so he supports it

Find somewhere to rent now , like literally within next week, whilst you have a job and will pass referencing, even if it’s a room. Then file, that’s awful behaviour.

What I should have added is if you then lose your job you can claim universal credit and get housing mainly covered provided it’s quite cheap,

OP look to the long term.

Can you do any retraining, to get a better job?

You don't need this disrespect in your life. Especially as you don't have children.

Ok, supermarkets are all hiring and there is some security at the moment as they are essential roles.

So if you lose your job head straight to supermarket job sites.

Right now, start making plans to leave your DH, he sounds deeply unpleasant.

Everyone hear saying `call Womens Aid - they will help you'....... Do you realise how totally overwhelmed they are? Witness a current thread here where a woman in a desperately abusive situation has been trying to speak to someon for weeks! I imagine CAB are similarly overstretched, especially in the current situation.

@armsandtoes... you are in an abusive situation, clearly, but there is as lot you can do to help yourself, though it may take a while to get yourself ready to leave him. My first suggestion would be that you read Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. It is a classic book which explains different types of abuse and how victims can become strong enough to escape the abuse. It is available free as a PDF - Google it. It will open your eyes!

Since you are probably lacking in self-esteem, you may benefit from reading a book such as this:
www.goodreads.com/book/show/79352.Six_Pillars_of_Self_Esteem

Other advice (apart from starting to look for another job NOW...) really depends on the specifics of your circumstances. How old are you, do you have children, what kind of qualifications and professional experience do you have, do you and your husband rent or own (is there significant equity?), what other assets are there (pensions)...

Have a look at the Women's Aid website. Also Gingerbread if you have children. Shelter for information about renting. Make notes. Then get up to speed about divorce:-

Wikivorce, as well as the Mumsnet divorce forum
Divorce for Dummy or similar (check your library)

Remember: knowledge is power! See if you can get a free half hour consultation with a family solicitor - but make sure you do your homework first so you can make the most of this valuable resource. Make a list of questions and keep notes.

Also start putting money aside. Just a few pounds here and there (cash-back at the supermarket) can help build a fuckhimI'mleaving fund. And if all this seems totally overwhelming right now, remember how to eat an elephant... (one bite at a time... ). You can do this, as have millions of abused women before you .

Sorry, I missed that you don't have children. Makes leaving him soooooooo much easier.

Just walk ... do you have friends that you can kip on their couch for a few weeks. Please leave.

Like everyone else has said just leave he should be supporting you if you are made redundant conpl not your fault.

But per MN. he's the abusive one although she is making a convenience of him.

What a twatty response. The OP has a job. She is contributing financially. If she loses her job (through no fault of her own), then she should rightly be able to expect her husband to support her until she finds another one, as he should be able to expect the same from her. He is clearly abusive however. And she is right to be concerned about how she would support herself if she left him and lost her job. Are you suggesting she is the abusive one? How?!

Honestly love, just walk out of there and leave him to it

Get yourself a room somewhere and don’t look back.

He will only ever get worse and the worst thing you could ever do is have kids with him. Don’t ever let this happen

It depends why he shouted. If for instance you were still spending as before, buying unnecessary things and he was stressed that there wasn't any money left to pay the bills, despite asking kindly a few times to reduce spending, then his behaviour would be understanding.

If the above doesn't apply, then he was being unreasonable and you need to understand why he was acting that way.

But she hasn't lost her job, she's worrying about his reaction if she does lose her job, as he reacted badly in the past. No one should have to live in fear of their partner's reaction to them being made redundancy.

Leave him now. Go and rent somewhere now. He's abusing you

Dontdisturb, Honest question: do you really think shouting at your spouse is acceptable?

Do you have your own bank account that he cannot access and so you have your salary paid into this? If not, do this urgently and start to put as much money aside for yourself as you can

Honest question: do you really think shouting at your spouse is acceptable?
There's shouting and shouting. We're quite a shouting family when what has been said kindly a number of times has been ignored.

We shout in a venting away way, not shout in a threatening way.

Dontdisturb,

1. I grew up in a house with a lot of "venting" shouting. NC with most family now. It is unacceptable for many people.
2. Did you read what the OP said? I will post it again so you can rethink the irresponsible advice you gave:

I'm terrified of my husband's reaction if I am unemployed. I know what to expect as I was made redundant a few years ago and I was subjected to him shouting at me for hours when I got home. Saying all sorts of things, like he was only going to buy me the cheapest and most basic food. He said because he was the only one earning money, whatever he says goes and I have no say in anything anymore. I hate being shouted at, it makes me extremely anxious and wound up.

Why would you dare to suggest that OP's husband's shouting is in any way acceptable when she is terrified, anxious, and wound up? When he is shouting at her for hours?

You really have no business giving advice here if you think that kind of behaviour is acceptable.

There's shouting and shouting. We're quite a shouting family when what has been said kindly a number of times has been ignored

How is that relevant unless ops dh has told her over and over not to be made redundant and she went ahead and selfishly put herself in a position where she had herself made re

He is a world class cunt. Divorce him and take half of everything. The shouting at you is because he enjoys it, he wants to see you cower. I would like to take his 'basic food', roll it up and ram it up his nasty bullying arse. Disgusting man.