Marriage crisis - cheating, CV, WTH now?

[Sazerac]

Been with DH for more than 15 years. We've been going through some tough times and I felt he wasn't working as a team with me towards shared goals. I could give many examples but the main one lately is he's been unemployed, I have been made breadwinner for years and he's not taken on basics like pushing forward much needed DIY or taking on more housework. He says he's developing his business & can bring in a higher day rate, but fact is I'm bringing in the steady income & majority of cash. He has plenty of time to swan off for long walks, attending hobby until after midnight midweek & taking 2hrs a day out for exercise.

About last October I started to decide enough was enough. He was sitting around in a dressing gown until lunchtime, not taking care of himself and earning nothing. Nor was he taking on more at home & I tbh I stopped respecting him and finding him attractive. To be clear, I don't expect him to keep me, but I do expect an equal contribution whether that's in the home or financial. He constantly buys stuff making the place cluttered and I'm embarrassed to have people home - haven't entertained for at least 8 years.

Eventually things came to a head. We argued massively when he was out partying on a 'business trip', left things a bit ambiguous and I hooked up with an acquaintance I was out with, which I'm not proud of (although not feeling too guilty either tbh). Since then we've been trying to get things back on track.

There's nothing with OM, but it felt like a plaster ripping off moment. I hadn't been happy for a while but I'd felt scared to end it (ageing, comfort maybe - I don't know). To add to things, DH and I have never been completely compatible in the bedroom.

There are no DC & we're mid to late 30s. With Coronavirus we've currently agreed we'll support each other through it (we're still best friends & he wants to make it work). I'm in the spare room for now ostensibly due to CV risks (initially true, but now mostly bollocks) and obviously we are observing social distancing outside of the household. We're attending counselling. I'm not sure if this is the right course of action or delaying the inevitable?

I've been totally honest that I didn't want us to be a couple by default, but we both agree with no family nearby we should keep going, support each other through his and make a decision later. Not sure what I'm asking really - WWYD?

I can see why you would want to stick it out through CV emergency.

But why would you stay together after that? It sounds like it's over. What are you discussing in counseling?

counselling due to corona...? that's weird.
move on... he does not sound like a keeper...

That's kind of how I'm feeling Teapot. Counselling is all about our communication styles and love languages. I think we're beyond that. Fundamentally, I've sat crying on the floor and begging to make changes to our living situation and he won't respond as 'I don't know what I want, only what I don't want'. I asked him if we could cool (not end) a joint hobby based friendship (with one of my old mates ffs) when I was suffering severe anxiety and tachycardia (wanted to get back into hobby without an audience for a few weeks) and he refused because I couldn't explain why it was necessary.

So I don't think how we communicate covers that. I explained to counsellor: sometimes there's an objectively right answer regardless of how you communicate and sometimes the right answer for each of the couple is different. No amount of love languages will sort that.

But yes, we are best friends. There is still love and obviously we will support each other through this one way or another. I'm quite happy in the spare room and we actually are more considerate of each other as housemates rather than husband and wife. It's sad, but it is what it is.

Cybernan tbf counselling due to the blow up from last year (checking out, his fecklessness, me cheating) but it seems like Corona has kind blown that out the water? All the stuff we've talked about with counsellor (walking WHW, separate & shared hobbies, shared goals etc.) has been blown out of the water.

I do wonder if we should just agree to live together and support each other (this isn't a big change) until this is over or at least clearer. That said, I think he is in part motivated by what might be and I am conscious that seeing OM every day (even though I know he's not interested in a married woman) probably isn't helping my clarity on this.

From what you have written, it really sounds like it's over. Use this time to start making plans to separate.

IPity Yeah, it feels that way, but there's still a part of me that's thinking my head was turned. Or maybe I'm expecting too much.

That said OM incident was months ago. Most friends and family don't comment (unsurprisingly) but my DF has suggested I move on. (For reasons I won't go into, unfortunately my parents know something happened with OM, which is grim).

If my best friend treated me like a servant and cash machine I'd be reassessing my definition of best friend! He treats you like crap, swans around like he's king of the world and ignores your unhappiness - and you think that's love?

This is way past love languages and communication styles!

You're using corona as an excuse not to do what you know needs to be done. 'Supporting each other through this' ffs - millions of people are getting on with their lives as best they can. You're using it to stop yourself having a life. Is it fear? Is it guilt because of ONS? Ffs just give up. This isn't a marraige. It's not even a friendship. It's him sucking the life out of you and not even caring. And you lying to yourself.

I feel like you. I want to end it but then chicken out. I don’t need him for money - I have a well paid career and am mortgage free. He never pulled his weight and other things you mention are the same with me.
I moved out of the master bedroom a year ago. I blamed it on the menopause and hot flushes but I used that as an excuse. I went one further and got a job elsewhere so I could stay somewhere else three nights a week.
There is nothing there. Age gap doesn’t help - he is 10 years older.
I am thinking of ending it in the summer depending on what happens with my eldest’s GCSE exams but I really think you need to leave and find someone more compatible. I’m miserable!!

If my best friend treated me like a servant and cash machine I'd be reassessing my definition of best friend! He treats you like crap, swans around like he's king of the world and ignores your unhappiness - and you think that's love?

Agree. He might love you but I wonder how long that would last if you suddenly stopped bringing in the money to fund his lifestyle?

Are you still seeing OM every day through work? Would he be interested if you were separated? Would you be?

Life is too short for this. You and your husband can still get along like best friends whilst being separated. The problem is that the economy will be shot after CV, so if his business is not taking off now, it is not going to afterwards, whenever that is, unless he is making one of the few things in high demand at the moment.

I don't think it is fair to your husband that he isn't aware you cheated. He deserves to know and there is no excuse for cheating. Have you had sex since you slept with the OM as your husband should get an STI test.

Why not start the process of separating as it will take time to sort everything out.

Does your husband have good skills to get another job? Is his health ok?

It sounds like he has got into a rut and perhaps a divorce will help him to find his path.

Sounds like you're done.
Use this time to accept how you feel and where you are. And plan for your own future.

Why did you marry someone you weren't sexually compatible with, it was never going to work was it?

"There are no DC & we're mid to late 30s"

Nothing keeping you together.

Bin. There is a lovely person out there for you.

TechWay He knows full well what went on & despite things being extremely low risk I was also tested. Perhaps he's in a rut, but to be honest I'm not really posting here to 'help him find his path' - that's his look out.

KatySun Interested? I'm not sure. I suspect he finds me a bit scary tbh. It's a complication I don't need right now, although if there was something on offer then yes I'd be tempted (but I don't think it'd be a long term thing, so thus a complication I don't need).

Things This is kind of how I feel, yes. A sort of niggling 'is this actually all bullshit and I'm kidding myself on?'.

TBF he has stepped things up in supporting me since this all happened, but unfortunately it does feel like too little too late. The attraction had completely died out & I do wonder if some of the 'stepping up' is a simple realisation that he needs me more than I need him given we're in a likely economic crisis.

I'm wrong side of 45 and thought it was a much older woman writing. You're not even in your prime yet and you're both settling for something which from your post sounds crap, loveless and with no more mileage in it. Separate, be single and get to know you. You will look back on this and wonder what the hell you were thinking

OP, its over.
He's been using you for years.

Why on earth are you funding this waster?

He certainly is not your best friend.

He's a waster who is using you.

Thank goodness you don't have children.

Knock the counselling on the head,
stop funding him,
use this time to organise a better future for yourself.
You are so young to be settling for so little.

Wishing you well

Don’t waste any more of your life thinking about him. He doesn’t add anything to your life and he sounds cruel, selfish and lazy.

You don't have children, this clearly has run it's course. Corona is no excuse but you're using it. Just end it. This dragging on is doing no one any good.

pinkyredrose That's a bloody good question. We were very physically affectionate when we were happier, for a very long time and I suppose that in some ways compensated for having actually quite different preferences / placing importance on different things in that sense.

It's a bit fucked really. In some ways I think it would be easier if we'd majorly fallen out or one of us was being an utter bastard, but day to day we rub along fine - we're just on a trajectory to nowhere.

Wake up!! You don't rub along fine! He sits around in his dressing gown sponging off you and you are so repelled you have moved out of the bedroom and shagged someone else. That is nobody's definition of rubbing along fine. If you don't want to end things accept you are paying for a cocklodger and you'll never meet anyone decent because a decent man won't shag you while you're taken

I am not sure why you are staying with this man, it seems you have nothing in common and only make each other miserable.
Saying that you cheated and no matter how much you try to say it was because of his behaviour , you have no excuse.
Does your DH know you have cheated, does he know you dont feel bad about it? I wonder how he would feel know you and others know about your actions and are unwilling to be honest.
Maybe if you mention it to him than he could make a decision on your relationship rather than you staying with him whilst complaining and cheating

You're flogging a dead horse. No kids, under 40, move on. Don't look back. You have many good years ahead of you.

cheese If you saw my response upthread, he does know. Nor am I saying I cheated because of his behaviour although I can see why it might read that way.

Actually we have loads in common. Conversation flows easily and we have many shared hobbies and interests. This is probably the main reason I agreed to counselling. I'm just not sure how easy it is to recover from where we got to or given the many frustrations, if I really want to.

This is no way to live.
He is a cocklodger!!
Use the CV time to line up your ducks.
Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies etc.
Seek legal advice re. your finances; seeing that he hasn't been pulling his weight, you want to protect your assets as best you can.
Then leave.
Be happy.
You can still be friends if that's what you both want.