Getting past addiction

[Alm1986]

Apologies if this ends up garbled. Posting here as find it difficult to talk about it with friends.

A few weeks ago my husband sat me down when I got in from work to tell me he'd been sacked from his job for theft, which was to fund a 2 year drug addiction I didn't know about.

He's moved out and stopped using. After calming down from the initial shock we're now talking.

I can't however get past all of the lies, and tbh, I've been so unhappy over the last 12 months by him pushing me and our son away (which I now know was so he could use), that I don't think I want to wait for him to sort his life out, and that actually it's over.

Is it wrong to not want to try and fix it? I feel as we have a child we should try, but frankly, I just don't want to. I'm still so angry about the lies and decit, and the obvious elephant in the room that he'd rather take drugs than spend time with us.

Is it wrong to not want to try and fix it?

No it's not wrong at all. Your child should be your priority. This must have been an awful shock. I don't think I could forgive the lies or ever trust that he wouldn't go back to the drugs (if it's even true that he's stopped).

Sorry to pry OP but could you share at all what drugs he has been addicted to and for how long?

I only ask as there are different steps (for example how to cut off supply etc) to take and consequences to be aware of dependent on for example if they are prescription / non prescription / class A drugs.

Oh and ex addict here. I didn't have kids, if I had I would have wanted my ex to have prioritised any child over my recovery.

Adults have to take accountability for their recovery, it's not the responsibly of other adults to do so and doesn't help for them to do so as they will then relapse if that source of support is removed.

It's not fair on you, your child or even him for you to take on the burden of his recovery.

Never feel guilty for that.

The world doesn't stop turning for everyone else around him. If he wants to get better enough then he can make it positive steps to be reintroduced to your life and your child's life.

You can't get better on his behalf. If you ever feel guilty then think of it like this - you would be doing him a disservice to help him recover in a way that he couldn't do alone.

Because that gives him the excuse to relapse if you withdraw support as a partner.

Love your child and yourself more than you want to help him. It's what you and your child deserve and helps him get better in constructive way not a codependent one.

Thanks for the reply lazy. Your thoughts agree with mine.

Backseat it was cocaine. 2 years on an almost daily basis. So no issue with withdrawal, other than the mental need to want to keep using. He'd always used on a social scale which I was aware of. And once we had a child I made it clear I never wanted it in the house. Which is almost worse for me, because it was in the house and around our child. And I feel I should have realised he was off it.

I've found looking for support hard as understandably everything seems geared to supporting someone with an active addiction, whereas I've come in past that stage. Nothing seems to advise about dealing with the past lies.

Have you looked at al-anon? Everyone there will know exactly what you've been through.

Also Famanon.

Your far from alone with this