Calls from uncle

[SMJYellow]

I have an uncle. He's a brother to my mother. He's distant in that I don't see him. He lives on the other side of the county. I have my life and I hardly have time for myself or my own partner never mind about an uncle.

I think he's the youngest of my mothers family and he's in his late 50s. He never met a partner or married or had children. I think he has some sort of mental health issues but I don't know what. He's definitely a bit simple. He's getting a weekly disability allowance payment for something. The man is an alcoholic too. I don't see him but from what my mother says about their calls and from a few aunties, he is fond of the drink.

That's a little bit of a background.

He's a good man but he has absolutely no sense whatsoever. He kept phoning my mother for a long time. Call after call after call after call. He's unable to understand that if a call goes unanswered, there's a high probability that the woman is busy. Call after call after call after call after call from him. He had the rest of the family driven demented too with calls.

My mother was never happy with these calls. We got it sorted by giving our mother two new phones and two new numbers

1. one number and phone of general use like family, appointments, etc
2. the other phone, used solely just for him. No body else has that number except for my uncle.

That fixed it. She was able to turn off the phone and turn it on about 2 or 3 times a week, and she finally got a little bit of piece from the constant phone calls from him.

She had that phone turned off for about 6 or 7 weeks because she didn't want a call from him. She turned it on last weekend and she got no call. She got worried because of the coronavirus and she she rang him on her general phone. She cancelled the number and gave him the number and said she that she was phoning of my phone. She said it was my phone and number (it's not by the way). I think she was trying to throw him off a little bit.

I don't know what was going through her mind or what she was thinking about. I'm dumbfounded as to what she has done. His calls are boarding on harassment. Her phone has been hopping since then. She was eating breakfast yesterday morning and the phone went off. She answered after breakfast and chatted for a while to him but that call wasn't enough for him. She got three more calls over the course of the day. More calls now today.

We got the problem sorted by having two phones for my mother and now it's completely reversed and back to square one. Now my mother wants me to fix this again.

Now my mother wants me to fix this again.

What's it got to do with you? I'm a bit confused.

Agree with PP, why is it on you to sort it?

Block him?

Simple?

Just block his number on her main phone.

So this man simple( not a nice term) as you say intellectually disabled, with mental health issues, no social support, is left to his own devices and abusing alcohol, without any practical support??
I'm sure the phone calls are annoying but why doesn't he have support in the community or a social worker, it sounds like a terrible and bizarre situation

I don't know why my mother is dumping this onto my back. She's stressed with the calls she's getting and she's vending to me and asking me to do something. I suggested turning off her phone but she doesn't want to do that in case she gets a call from someone else or other family.

My mother doesn't have a smartphone. It's qn old style, simple phone. I checked the phone already and there's no blocking function.

I don't know why he has no help or social or community support. I grew up on the other side of the county about a hour drive away. My life and work is here and I'm not able to help him. My mother comes from a large family of siblings. Some of the siblings are spread out with their own lives. Other siblings got fed up with his constant calls. The man really doesn't understand that there's life beyond himself.

Then your mum needs to get a phone with a blocking or muting function. I can understand how this is upsetting her, but wouldn't this be an easy solution?

Do you know if Uncle gets any support at all? Is there anyone in the family who might be able to source some support or access some groups that might be able to offer him some company/activity/distraction? It sounds terribly lonely for him.

Oh, and the term 'simple' is very offensive.

What about maybe getting another number (again I know, pita!) and your mum telling him she has had to change her number again and giving him the new one in the hope the current one will be freed up for other family members and wanted phone calls? And then telling her this is the last time you want to be doing it! It does sound as though he is in a sad situation though, I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't already a persistent caller to his local authority.

Maybe if she answered his call spoke to him like a human being for a little bit every day then he wouldn’t keep calling? You said he is a little simple and perhaps he doesn’t understand what he is doing. This post come across as your mother and you are just too important and busy to speak to someone you see as below you.

Has she told him not to call?

So she cancelled the phone that was for him to call on, and gave him the number of her other phone, yes?

If she is intelligent enough to do this, then I am sure she can work out how to solve the problem she herself has caused. Leave her to it. You don't have to take part in the drama and complaints.

She answered a call from him yesterday morning and he continued to call throughout the rest of the day.

She didn't even cancel the number that she has for him. She still has that phone but she turned it off and took him her phone was broken. She then gave him her everyday number and said it was my number (it's not).

I don't know what she was doing.

We used to get endless calls from an old lady with vascular dementia. She lived 100s of miles away from her daughter and used to call her endlessly, so in the end, the daughter cancelled her landline and the number stopped working. We were then reassigned the daughter's landline when we moved to our current home. The first day we got connected, the endless calls started. I'd patiently explain that I was not her daughter and that I didn't have a number for her, and she'd seem to understand and then call back minutes later.

I never once didn't answer her call, or get annoyed or consider changing phone number, as the poor women had been ringing a disconnected number for God only knows how long, trying to reach her daughter. I couldn't turn my back on her, even though she was a stranger and a high maintenance one at that. I just kept thinking of my grandmother who lived alone for the last 10 years of her life, and how I would have done anything for her, because she was so special to me. I think in these situations, although it's "not your problem", you need to have a bit of compassion, and picture it being someone you would feel a responsibility for, or connection to. How would you want them to be treated? What would you want the person on the other end of the phone to say or do?

I started to have chats with our caller. I asked for her daughter's full name. Asked if she had a mobile number for her. (She did, but never used it for some reason). She gave endless personal details. It was a shock to see how vulnerable she was to possible coercion. I phoned her daughter (who was my mum's age) and explained what had happened with us getting her old number, how willingly her mother gave up personal details, and how easy it would be for con artists to take advantage of that. The daughter was apologetic but clearly tired of it all, and said she lived too far away to help. Social services got involved and the calls became very rare, but it took a long time and caused her a deal of distress. I can't help thinking that if her family had just gone to see her and scrubbed our number from her phone book, she'd have been much better off, much more quickly.

Have you or your mother considered visiting to see how he is? You think he has some issues but you're not clear on what they actually are. A visit should make things clearer and identify if he needs support from either family, or social services. You or your mother could also arrange to call him, at a set time, on a set day. It could be daily even, and kept short. My mother does this with her father. She calls him bang on 6pm every day so he knows what to expect. It has reduced the number of calls he makes to her, which were frequent and demanding, and taking a toll on her mental health.

She probably paniked and thought he was sick in his bed from coronavirus and let her guard down. He has her everyday number now and ita back to square one.

I and my mother lives rurally. He also lives rurally. Opposite ends of the same county. A 2 hour drive away but I don't drive. My mother doesn't drive. The journey would be longer on public transport.

I work full time and I hardly have time to cut my toenails never mind about making time for an uncle I hardly know. Where was he when I was small? It might be different if I had a closer relationship with him from when I was small but the man is only an uncle in name and blood. I'm not close to him at all.

@Songlyrics has some lovely suggestions about visiting him, calling at a set time. In your original post you said he only lives the other side of the county. How far is that?

This has given me chills. Old ladys getting blocked by their daughter, someone resenting their lonely brother who has mental health issues. So much for 'be kind'.

I am very sad at the term simple. It’s not 1970 anymore. Poor chap, alone with MH issues and learning difficulties and a family that sees him as simple and an inconvenience, what a terrible lonely existence he must live.

Tell her.. to tell him.. to FUCK OFF ...

Oh I feel so sorry for him.
He has an intellectual disability, lives alone, no family nearby, little support and his sister turns off her phone, the one means he has of contacting her, for 6 or 7 weeks??? And then turns it on but waits for him to ring instead of ringing him?? So did she just expect him to have spent 6 or 7 weeks trying her number, waiting for her to turn it back on???

Either support him or don’t, but don’t be inconsistent and go from being available to disappearing for nearly two months without warning.

It would be easy for her to arrange a time for a regular call. 7pm daily or alternate days. She could even turn the phone off outside those times. But let the poor man know what the arrangement is to be.

Or else pull back altogether and let social services support him.

Wow, @bumblebee, what an absolute charmer you are.

Christ I know right... but there has to be social boundaries ...
The Uncle has not made any attempts to change his harassing behaviour.. all the years of advise and support given to him have achieved absolutely Zilch...OP's mum turned off her phone for weeks... turned it back on and uncle was still there doing the exact same thing over and over and over.... Why is Uncles needs greater then OP's Mums needs ?
How much of yourself do you have to give before someone can freely say.. I can give no more... ?

Did you not read the bit in the OP's post that said he had learning difficulties? That doesn't mean it's fun for anyone one to be on the receiving end but get some compassion - thank goodness you aren't related to him, or me

My mam wasn't well herself. She had a hospital procedure done back in October that knocked her and she had to take a lot of medication herself.

My mother and her brother are very different. He's a free man, a bachelor and an alcoholic. My mother was always family oriented towards my siblings and I. Her brother wouldn't have the faintest idea what it's like to run a household. He probably thinks my mother is like him, sitting around all day doing nothing, and that couldn't be further from the truth. She doesn't have time for all these calls which is quite simply bordering on harassment. She felt sorry for him over the weekend and she chatted to him on Monday morning and then the calls started up from him since then. Now my mother is stressed and she wants me to sort it out for her.