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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What is going on in their heads when you are the rebound? This hurts and I can't make sense of it.

22 replies

CakesRus3 · 17/03/2020 13:17

I was in a good place, scrolling through the dating app. Exchanged a few messages. We chatted a little on the phone and he told me he was newly single and been married 20 years. Straight away, I thought of how I felt that early into my seperation (10 years ago) and explained that we are at different places. I didn't give it a second thought until he messaged again 2 weeks later. I agreed to meet him. I ignored my initial feeling (now wish I hadn't). Continued to chat/meet over a period of a few months. He said he didn't want to date lots of people and would like to get to know eachother.
I have been dating a very long time and know how difficult it can be to find mutual connection, physically and mentally. I felt it instantly. The more I saw him, the more I felt it. I feel so stupid. It's like I was in a bubble. He said all the right things, he appeared to be all I was looking for. Spoke every day. Had lovely dates. He never once appeared distant or spoke about his ex, apart from it was a surprise but he wants to move on. We shared the same values, likes and hopes.
His messages on the Friday, were how much he misses me. He wants to take me on holiday, can't wait to see me, he can't stop thinking about me, how he feels so comfortable. I have no clue now what I was thinking. I actually felt this was real. He then messaged me yesterday morning to tell me...he has had constant messages over the weekend from his ex who has messed with his head (apparently she ended the marriage and he was shocked), it's moving too fast, his head isn't in the right place for a new relationship. He's so sorry and didn't mean to hurt me.
To me, it was real. I'm left thinking what the he'll happened?

OP posts:

managinged · 17/03/2020 14:06

Actually, it looks like you explained very articulately "what the hell happened." At this point, consider it a tough lesson and move on. Right now it hurts but by this time next week it won't hurt so much. If he changes his mind and starts dive-bombing you again, don't respond.

managinged · 17/03/2020 14:08

love bombing not dive bombing!

SophieSong · 17/03/2020 14:10

I’m so sorry. I think it’s exactly as you say - he was on the rebound. A lot of people just don’t know what to do with that relationship ’space’ they have when a marriage ends so they try really hard to fill it thinking it means they’ve moved on. I think it probably was real but he did not give himself time to grieve and come to terms with the loss of his marriage. It’s painful and shit. I’m not sure what else to say really because it’s cold comfort but it really does sound like it’s not you but him.

MikeUniformMike · 17/03/2020 14:17

They only care about themselves.

Wanderlust21 · 17/03/2020 14:19

Love bombing.
And now he is testing you to see if you are on the hook.
Read up on narcissists. You are dealing with one. You knew yourself that it was not normal for him to want to move on to dating so soon after his marriage breakdown.

Red flags:

moved on too fast from wife
seems to be a little TOO similar to you. (Google narcissistic mirroring) *Love bombing, rushing things, everything moving too fast
sudden behaviour uturn to test you.

Rum for the hills.

Wanderlust21 · 17/03/2020 14:21

*run

Gutterton · 17/03/2020 14:31

How long were you together?

How long has they been separated? (You probably don’t know the truth actually - but the answer is “not long enough”)

The separation “being a surprise” and him keen “to move on” are the two bits that don’t add up.

I expect it wasn’t a “surprise” to his wife of 20 years. Any clues re drinking etc?

It was real. He did all of those actions and says those words. I expect he meant them in a desperate needy way. But looks like she has got wind of the RS and whistled him back? If so it won’t work out and he will be back again in a few weeks......

He has treated you really disrespectfully texting you it is over. Gives you a clue to the real character he really is (ie flaky, zero integrity) and why the wife binned him in the first place.

Enjoy the pleasant memories of your time together - and when he comes knocking again - which he will - send him packing.

BrownWolf3 · 17/03/2020 14:32

What happened is both good and bad. The bad part...He should have known what he wanted before he started any kind of relationship.

The good part...You are not damaged by your separation. You are still able to love, and love deep.

So many people become so bitter, angry, and some down right evil, after a break up. They put up walls so thick that love never finds them again, and they die alone.

You... Despite the pain you feel now...should be smiling and happy instead. Your heart can still love. You can still form a relationship with someone. Smile and laugh with them. Most of all, you can still...Feel.

Do not let this experience change you into one of those who put up walls, who hate, and become bitter. Remember how good it felt to be in love, and fight even harder to keep love in your life.

Original poster

CakesRus3 · 17/03/2020 16:13

Thankyou everyone.
Only 3 months. Felt like longer. He had only been single 6 weeks.
I am glad I'm open to feeling. However, I was so scared to be. I feel like I let down barriers that I never thought I could. I guess that's why I trusted the process. It was easy and natural to be myself and open. It was weird how much I trusted him. He changed his mind in a matter of days.

OP posts:

onemoresmartie · 17/03/2020 18:14

I am in the same boat and just wanted to say I'm feeling exactly the same
He ended it abruptly last Thursday and I have had good and bad days x 💐

user1481840227 · 17/03/2020 18:36

I think anyone who has been through a traumatic break up knows that the emotions and feelings are not always stable in the time after it.
People can have good days moving forward and then bad days or periods of time where they miss their ex or go backwards and are full of regrets, want to give it another chance etc.

People can feel like they're doing great and coping well and get a setback if they see the ex, talk to them, hear something about them or so on..and they can be surprised by the feelings that crop up again when that happens.

Maybe he's a massive arsehole anyway but newly single people are always risky anyway because they are still going through the grieving process!

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 17/03/2020 18:46

6 weeks after the end of a 20 year marriage!!

tarasmalatarocks · 17/03/2020 19:42

I think men in particular feel a need to fill the ‘partner shaped void’ when they find themselves single so rush into looking for someone else ASAP , I think he was probably genuine OP but maybe feels he needs to see how things go with his wife, especially if she was the one initiating a split

opticaldelusion · 17/03/2020 20:15

God. Mumsnet is so quick to pathologise everything. Sometimes they're not narcissists. Which after all is a pretty rare psychiatric condition. Sometimes they're just in a bad place. Or they're arseholes. Or behaving like arseholes because they're in a bad place.

Either way, time to cut your losses, OP. Lick your wounds and keep on keeping on.

Aminuts23 · 17/03/2020 22:33

He’s not ready OP. I have a friend who split up from a very toxic marriage this year. I agreed it was time for them to call it a day although I never said that.
3 weeks later he was trying it on with me, said he always liked me. I didn’t think he was going to take no for an answer. It was intense and stupid. I told him i was a friend, it was rebound and he needed time to get over his marriage etc.
And so he immediately moved on to another woman. I know through friends who she is. She seems lovely but from an outside and romantically completely disinterested point of view it’s a car crash waiting to happen. When she ends it (which she will because emotions over the marriage breakdown are still very high) he’ll be even worse.
Sometimes people just can’t bear being alone and don’t really think about the other person. They use them to fill a void. It’s sad and wrong and I don’t always think it’s intentional. I’m sure in the moment they think they can make a go of it but it often ends quickly and painfully. Cut your losses

Original poster

CakesRus3 · 18/03/2020 09:49

Thankyou.
I can't stop thinking it was something I said. I was allowing it to move at that pace too. He didn't stop telling me how much he liked me and wanted to make plans. I liked him back and let him know. I also agreed on these plans. All of a sudden it's moving too fast for him. Not slow it down just goodbye.

OP posts:

I0NA · 18/03/2020 09:53

There’s rebound and Rebound.

I think 6 weeks out of a 20 year marriage is Rebound and you were a bit daft to have got involved in the first place.

Gutterton · 18/03/2020 11:02

That’s v manipulative of him even if it was subconscious - he is addressing his own desperate abandonment injury.

I suspect the intensity of your RS reflected the deep loss and shock the loss of his marriage.

He is just transferring his emotions and projecting his deep loss of a 20 year marriage - he hasn’t processed anything.

Do you know about “Love Bombing” and “Future Faking”?

He also is v selfish by not respecting your boundaries - you said you were not at the same place and he pursued you two weeks later.

The “6 weeks” separated does this include the 2 weeks when you stopped talking and the talking time before that?

Gutterton · 18/03/2020 11:07

I agree with PP - be satisfied that you know that you can feel that deep - it was “real” for both of you in the moment. But his emotions where bubbled up and heightened - hiding his loss (he might not have even been aware of that if he was in shock and denial stage of grieving the end of a RS).

audweb · 18/03/2020 11:10

He’s human! It’s so common to rebound - emotions are all over the place, you think you are ready to move on, you realise you are not. Six weeks out of a twenty year marriage though - I’m not sure why you thought he would be ready? No one is after that! He may have handled it badly but it seems to be just bad timing all round.

dontdisturbmenow · 18/03/2020 11:19

She moved his life apart and he felt lost having no choice but to move on. He decided that dating would be the best way to do so. He met you, really liked you, did believe that he could move on and be happy.

Then she contacted him and probably made him believe they could get back together. Suddenly he has to weight whether to focus on you and the short good times you shared acknowledging that you still don't know each other well and gave no idea what the future could be for you, or returning to the secure happy life he had with his wife with that whole episode forgotten. He went for what he felt was more reliable.

Don't blame him, from his oersoective' it make sense, he couldn't forsee that she would take him back. Sadly it is indeed the risk dating a man fresh out of seperation. As you say, men who seem to tick all the boxes are rarely free. On the same token though, you gave to wonder why, if he was indeed so perfect, she would have been willing to let him go, even if she changed her mind. Maybe you had a luck escape...

Gutterton · 18/03/2020 12:33

On the same token though, you gave to wonder why, if he was indeed so perfect, she would have been willing to let him go, even if she changed her mind. Maybe you had a luck escape...

This is important. He was on v v best behaviour with you - obviously this wasn’t how he behaved in his marriage - sounds like he wasn’t listening, maybe was complacent and uncompromising if his narrative is “shock and surprise” that his wife unilaterally ended the marriage.

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