Is my marriage worth saving?

[Skribble]

H has decided he doesn't love me and went and shagged another woman, he has decide it is over.

I just can't accept it is over and I don't want to f*ck up our kids lives. I think we can make a go of it and am willing to forgive the fling.

I actualy think he is having a breakdown and he is not right at all, I am worried about him and I want to stop this now before we get to a stage where we can't go back. We have groan apart over the last 6 yrs I would say. I have looked for reassurance else where that I am still human and not just a wife and mother, I think he has no respect left for me as I have no real life of my own as I have concentrated on bringing up the kids, I have no career or other purpose in life.

Oh bugger.

but why stay together if you both grown apart for the last 6 years??.. Have you and your H talked about this?....is he still living with you?

Im so sorry to hear x

It all came out this week. He is still here. I still love him and I think we can start again and renew the spark and fall "in love" again. We have 13/14 years together and to kids at primary school age. I don't want to give up on that.

He isn't speaking much really apart from vauge shrugs. I think he is having a breakdown and should really speak to someone, I think our marriage is a scapegoat for everything in his life he is not happy with.

I will be going to bed shortly but didn't want to not post iyswim. I don't really know you Skribble but I think if you're willing to make a go of it despite the fling then, to you, the marriage is worth saving. It sounds to me as if you need to give it every chance before calling it a day. I'm not following you around (honest - just trying to find something to do whilst trying to spot dh and dd at a football match which is currently being shown on the tv, so I'm MNing much more than usual) but that book that was linked on the other thread had good reviews, I thought. Has your husband seen the doctor recently? Would he go? Is he still in work? Does he have a good friend he or you could speak to who might be able to help? Sorry, I won't be around now as I'm off to bed. I wish you all the best and hope you get some good advice here.

skrible,first of all i am so sorry you're having to deal with this a the moment.....have u thought about going to rekate sessions???.can i ask who u asked for reassurance off before,and are you totally sure that your relationship is worth hanging on to ????

My view is that it isn;t over until the fat lady sings. It is shit beyond shit to go through all this crap, but you have a fair way to go yet before you know whether your marriage is over or not. Just prepare yourself as best you can for the roller coaster emotional ride ahead and then go with the flow. Sometime along the way you'll know whether you want to stop the ride and get off, or carry on into the sunset.

I do think though that you need to start thinking of yourself and your needs and leave your husband to sort himself out - breakdown or no breakdown.

H hasn't seen a doctor about anything relating to mental health, he did admit he was close to breakdown before.

He is working, too blinking much, I see this as a lot of the problem we never have time together and he has little time with the kids.

We have a freind he has spoken to before when he was upset and worried about me, she is more than willing to speak to him.

He is a good man, he loves his kids and is a good father. I need my husband I can't contiplate life without him.

If it is a rollercoaster I am still strapped in and he has fell out and ready to let go because he doesn't know how to get back in and its going to fast.

Sorry I have started a few threads on this I am just desperate to sort it all out, he is working tonight then I am away tomorrow for a few days.

skribble i dont want to piss on your parade, but you need to prepare for the shit to hit the fan, as a mother you can't do anything else.your children need to come first, and if and when they staert to suffer the repercussions you will need to be there to hold the fort.have u bo bitterness against him for sleeping with another woman????

totally agree with soapbox's post.

And I agree that of course it's worth saving if that's what you think you can and want to do.

Oh I am bitter, but my children do come first, I am not prepared to put my kids through a divorce if there is any chance of reconciliation. I am prepared to do this because of my kids, I am not going to turn my back on a 13 year relationship becuase H has lost the plot once. I am not making excuses for him or excusing what he has done.

We were both not getting what we needed from this relationship, this is the wake up call and I want to start fresh and get out of the rut. I think it is still there just lost after years of blandness and lack of enthusiasim.

I wish DH could read this perhaps I should put it all down on paper and leave it for him to read.

Oh skribble, im sorry - dont know what to say.

Only you can answer your title.

Thanks, as you can guess I do, but H is so unresponsive its really worrying.

I am back on Wed and he says we will sit downand discussit then, but I thik he means sorting out the house and money, he talked about putting his stuff into storage.

Deep breaths, you sound like you really want to make it work.

He sounds like he wants to make a run for it.

Let him. Within weeks, if there truly is anything to save, he will be back.

The trick is for you to not beg, just get on with life as such. Go out, get babysitters, and enjoy life as a single person for a few weeks, it will not last and he will be back soon. But treat it like a mini break.

I am only going on about relationships I have seen go this way and the people involved always end up back together. It takes the woman to be the stronger person sadly.

I am trying so hard to be strong. I can;t do this.

I want to leave him to discover he needs his family but I don't want him to get further embroiled with this other person in the mean time, I think she has other motives and will do serious damage while he is in this state of mind.

I just desperatly want to protect my family and hold it all togehter but I can't can i.

I can't let himmove out as I can't tell my kids it is all over but as he says he can't sleep on the sofa for ever.

He even talked about selling the house and when I said I can't afford a house he said get a flat, this is not him at all he wouldn't put his kids i a crappy flat, he is not right.

My freind said that when she saw him a work, she thinks he looks hollow, empty.

Skribs, by the sounds of it, he needs to move out for a while, to let you have the space you need to care for the kids.

I think he needs some space. Like UCM says, let him go and he'll probably come back. Men are so bloody insular sometimes, they don't want anyone to help them because they see it as a weakness. Let him go but don't let him think that it's the end. I dunno, I'm totally not qualified here, but I do believe that people go through phases and some men think so much in black and white you need to say, ok things are going downhill, but they can come back up again.

Hi Skribble

This happened to me a couple of years ago (minus the other woman, all the other stuff the same) plus it's happened with several other people I know I think you're right to hang in there, there's a good chance it will work out. The main things I've learned or suggest you think about are these:

You can't control your DH or what he does, at this stage, if you try to make him do anything he'll resist more and go the other way.

You need to look after yourself and and find out who you are and what your purpose is - new hobby, job, back in touch with old friends, exercise, looks etc. You need to become the woman you can be (or used to be)

Let him have the space, move out etc. and make it clear you want the relationship to work, but for it to be a good one (you won't be a doormat), so you both have to change and that it could be wonderful.

And it's right, you will have to be the strong one, find friends who will listen and support you. I phoned the Samaritans several times as well.

And as and when he starts to engage again, look at what both of you did that contributed to this.

My DH left, he was sure it was over. I remember saying to him "I can't and won't walk away from this marriage, it won't work I know unless we both change, but I want the fairytale" Also made new frineds, bought new clothes (only for him initially but slowly became for me) we went to relate and talked honestly for the first time in years back to square 1 about what we wanted from our lives, which we were too scared to do before and didn't know how to.

It was the worst year of my life, but the best thing (in a funny way) that happened to our relationship. Looking back now he can't believe he was capable of what he did, but he also had so much pressure at work, with his life (and from me) that it was almost a breakdown a bit I think. Also maybe a bit midlife crisis.

So (sorry long post) it may be OK, it may not, but it's certainly not definitely over.

I have the fairytale now, and a whole lot more relationship skills!

thinking of you

The other thing for us was to look at the whole life we were leading, the work, house, car, stuff mentality that we were going down. Which can grind people down

We sold the car, rented out the house and moved abroad. New place, different lifestyle.

I wouldn't have moved before but decided the marriage and our happiness was more important than new curtains IYSWIM.

Also (sorry keep thinking of things!) Can he spend time with a good group of old male friends. My DH also needed just some more simple male fun....

mainlyhss - what a great heartwarming story. My brother separated from his dw when baby was small. He told me he wished he'd done the counselling before. He had learned so much. But it was too late for him, the hurt was done.

So it makes me glad when I hear of people that hit the wall and go down but have the strength to come back up together.

skribble- just wanted to add my story to give you some hope.

4 years ago my dh had an affair with a work colleague- completley out of the blue, no obvious problems with us- we'd been together at that time 20 yaers and married 16 of them- we have 3 fantastic children and were both - to that point happy.

He undoubtably had some sort of a mid-life crisis/ mini breakdown. He was 39 at the time we were both working lots and had gradually without realising it just lost touch with one another- life just got in the way. When he told me I was devistated BUT my first reaction was to pull him closer not push him away- deep down I KNEW - he didn't want to leave "us" and I decided to fight for us. He behaved appaulingly- lies, deceiot still seeeing her fo a while after I found ou- he became someone I didn't recognise. Yet I also saw a very confused and sad man- this was the 1st time in all our years together we'd ever had any real problems so i decided to bury my hurt and abger for time and focus on "us" and my children. The crisis came to a head- he wlked out to go to her- but he came back the next day-somehow the reality of what he was intending hit him. I and he learned that affairs are about escapism- they are fantasy and usually can't survive the realities of every day life. Once they are out the fantasy fades and he eventually realised he didn't want her he wanted us. We turned the corner when he put himself into counselling and refocused his life.

we both made changes, talked and talke honest open talking- made time to "date" again and decluttered our lives. His problem was work related too and the affair was his escapism from himslef - he needed to be needed at the time and he'd lost the ability to turn to me. So We went through a tear of pain until she was finally out of our lives. I still get bad days when the hurt and betrayal catches up with me again BUT I do not regret for one moment fighting for our marriage. I know I did everything I could to stand by him and try to lead him through his darkness. The voice inside me KNEW he wasnot happy with her- and now he looks backs ashamed and cringes at how he "risked so much for so little"- his words.

So honey if you believe what you had before this awful time is worth fighting for - do it . We are closer and stronger because of our experience and whilst I would not wish it upon my worst enemy positives can come from it.

Talk talk talk- be there be patient - you cannot make someone see sense thay have to come to it themselves but even if he does not YOU have nothing to reproach yourself about.

Good luck - keep talking- it's amazing how strong you'll find you are!

WOW thanks maturer and Mainlyhappysometimessad both of you seem to have had very similar circumstances.

I know it is probably best to let him have time to himself but I worry that the "other woman" will get in the way of the straight thinking he needs.

I feel the urge to print out Maturers post for him to read as it seem to sum the whole thing up.

I think we could do so well together if we get the chance to revamp and refocus our lives and relationship. I am starting a degree course and I can already see what a difference this is going to make to me and the way I want to live my life.

I just wish I could get through to him or that someone can. I just want to pick him up and shake some sense into him.

All the things about having time out with the boys and having a whole new lifestyle are so true.

I think he just doesn't want to deal with a ll the emotions and soal searching that will be involved with picking our life apart and rebuilding it, but it will be so worth it.