Please help me deal with my weight-obsessed mother before I do something dreadful to her!

[sazzybee]

Sorry - this is a bit of a long rant and not sure if this is the right forum but it seems to be.

My DS is 6 months old. Until last week, he was exclusively breastfed. He went from being just under average at birth (6lbs 13oz - 25th centile) to the 75th centile at 14 weeks. I haven't had him weighed since although he seems to be gaining weight steadily. He is a very cuddly boy (see pics on my profile) and my mum has constantly commented on his weight, whether I'm feeding him too much etc. I've told her repeatedly that breastfed babies can't overeat but it seems to make no difference whatsoever - she's still worried he's 'too fat'.

Now I've started weaning him. He is very keen on his food and I'm absolutely delighted. He's been trying new flavours, doesn't reject much (well okay sometimes he pulls a funny face at broccoli ) and still is feeding well and regularly from the boob.

Today he downed a bottle of ebm really enthusiastically which I'm thrilled about as I'm going back to work in a month and obviously he'll have to have a bottle when he's not with me. I (stupidly) mentioned this to my mother and she again made a comment - something along the lines of 'ooh do you think you should be a bit careful? He's very chubby already'. Aargh.

This is not a new thing with her viz weight in general but has got much worse since I got pg. When I was 30 weeks and had gained 1.5 stone she told me that she thought I shouldn't eat any danish pastries as I'd got really fat. I wrote her a really long email after the danish pastry comment explaining how much she'd upset me, that my weight gain was entirely normal etc but we never really discussed it as I had high blood pressure and didn't want to exacerbate it. I have now lost most of my pregnancy weight but there's been no acknowledgement of that, despite the fact that I keep showing her I can get into my pre-pregnancy jeans in a pathetic sort of way.

I'm really concerned that she doesn't pass any of her weird issues with weight onto him. She's got 3 daughters, one's anorexic, one's obese and I'm a bit overweight (probably by about a stone - size 14) so she's already buggered us up and I'll be damned if she's going to screw up my beautiful boy too. Obviously he's a bit young now but he will spend a lot of time with her in future as I'm a single mum and will need her too look after him every now and then.

Anyway, on Tuesday we are going away to the Lake District for a week and I'm really not sure how I'm going to deal with this. I can't bear the idea that she's going to be watching everything DS eats and do calorie counting behind his back.

Any suggestions on how I should handle this, bar pushing her into a tarn?

Sounds like she has a problem with weight issues - could suggest to her she seeks help on this?

i think your ds looks totally normal. definitely no weight issues there.

i'm sure you know best how to deal with your mum, but every time she makes a comment i'd tackle her on it. don't let a single one go by unchallenged. she's got ishooos with weight, you can't sort them out for her, but you can protect your ds from it.

Your mum has a real problem. Babies are meant to be chubby! All I can suggest is that you do a google on how babies are supposed to have a high-fat diet and give her the info to read, but in truth your mum has an obsession with food and weight that really sounds like a mental illness. What will happen when she looks after him - do you not think that she will cut down on the amount of food he would normally have, or substitue it with something 'low fat'?

I don't know what she'll do startouchedtrinity and that's what worries me. I can quite see her making little snidey digs if he has butter or full fat milk or something.

I have put another pic up which is a bit more recent (and shows his jowls ). He is chubby but I'm really pleased he's doing so well.

warthog - that's a good idea about not letting a single comment go. I think I quite often just let them slide because it makes me so angry (and hurt if I'm really honest).

sigh Why can't I have a normal mum? She's 73 fgs!!

he's gorgeous mmj!

I know it's hard as a single mum but I really think you need to be planning for alternative child care. A friend of mine has just taken her dd away from her mil's care and got her into a good nursery and she is sooooooooo pleased.

Sazzy, he's not remotely fat - fgs your mum need help! My ds now, he looks like a heavyweight boxer, but I'm sure he'll wear it off once he gets walking!

I did mmj - they were admirable!

Oh no, he's not going to be looked after by her while I'm at work, I'm not insane! He's going to nursery (boo hoo but that's another issue). No, it's really just that it'll be nice for her to look after him for the odd night to give me a break and she's dead keen to do it. Perhaps I should say that he can't go and stay with her until she swears she won't say or do anything to make him feel fat.

I should get him weighed again shouldn't I? Just to prove he's not off the scale.

Do you think she'd be capable of keeping her promise? I still think you should find a mate or even a professional sitter instead of your mum.

when he can talk you can give him a secret lunchbox for midnight feasts which are TOP SECRET from her in case he is hungry

until then he won;t understand her anyway, but if you think she will do anything behind your back, wait until he can tell you stuff then he can stay. that's my plan with my baby for know best relatives-hope not too paranoid though

oh and any comments about you being overweight or your baby agree it would be a good idea to tackle straight away when she says anything. i do with my mum and now she has mastered thinking befre she speaks (sort of)

my baby is v chubby but he is healthy and sure it will burn off when he is crawling about. as will MY tummy...

Have you ever confronted her with the facts about having three daughters who all have difficulties with food?

I'd have a very polite but firm conversation with her, stating bluntly that little digs about food are Not On. And slip-ups will mean she sees less of your son. Make it very clear.

My mother sometimes handles the children badly by what she says or how she says it.

But even though it makes a messy situation messier or causes upset, I don't think she can damage them (as she did me) because she's not their mum who they depend on most...that would be me and I try not to make the same mistakes as my mother-I probably make a whole new set of mistakes though!

So I don't think she will harm him, she won't have that much control of him.

Also My ds1 was a total roly poly and now he's a big tall lean young man. Agree you can't overfeed him. And well done to you for having a healthy attitude to your own weight in the face of adversity!

Can you get some medical advice, or pretend to?

Perhaps your mother would be reassured if you said something along the lines of "well, I took your concerns seriously, and discussed them with the health visitor, and she said there's nothing wrong, carry on as normal". I know in some ways this is pandering to her, but you have mentioned yourself that you do have to rub along with her.

BTW - check out my profile. DD is 6months, was born on the 25th centile, now hovers between 91st and 98th. I figure someone's baby has to in order for the centile charts to work!

forgot to say below, your DS is adorable, and looks entirely healthy just as he is!

Sazzy,

Your ds looks perfectly lovely and healthy to me!

My ds is the opposite; he was born on the 50th centile, put on weight really slowly and now hovers around the ninth! And I stressed myself out so much over that especially in the early days... all my rl friends' babies were cuddly and had rolls of fat, I was so paranoid ds was far too thin... now I realise babies just come in all shapes and sizes.

In the long run it all evens out.

Remember too I've seen your photo and you also look lovely and healthy and not at all overweight. (And not your age, either, do you have a picture in the attic? )

Your Mum sounds like she has a weight problem in terms of obsessing about it; has she ever suffered from any kind of eating disorder herself I wonder?

I would either (a) tell her straight that you do not want her passing her ridiculous concerns onto your ds and if she does she can butt out and lose out on seeing her grandson OR (slightly less combative!) (b) tell her politely that you have raised her concerns with your HV and have been told your ds is fine (maybe even say to your Mum that the HV said he could do with putting on a little weight, that way she certainly won't say anything else!).

Good luck and you're doing great.

sazzybee

I would fully agree with McEdam's comments and I would find another person to care for your son. She will pass her toxic issues re food onto him.

Your Mum has issues regarding food and weight. Doubtless all this was learnt in her childhood as well. She has had such issues for many years now and she won't change. She has not learnt from her three daughters who all have had or have issues with food.

Pandering to her in any way will not help; it will only serve to back up her own skewed take on things.

You don't mention this but does she talk at any length about her own weight?. Is she or has she always dieted?.

My partner's mother has major food "issues" that she passed on to her children, one of whom died from related psychological causes. She, and my partner's father, regularly overfeed my stepsons, and the younger one has been overweight for three years now and sent to shrinks, nutrionists etc.

My partner is only semi-aware of how dangerous all this is. My feeling is that I do not want my daughter cared for by her grandparents for any substantial amount of time when they have control over her food intake. This may sound harsh but my partner's mother's life has been ruined by her own food problems (she is hugely overweight and bulimic) and by the death of her younger son.

My feeling is that my partner's parents are not fit to care for my child. Not all adults make fit carers.

sazzybee, babies are supposed to be chubby! It'll soon wear off when he starts running around I second the 'have him weighed' and then tell your mum that HV are delighted with his progress

My dd (5.8) was always scrawny and we were worried sick because she wasn't thriving She's still very petite DS (3yo) on the other hand is teetering between 98-100 centile! I took him to the docs the other day because I was worried about the way he walks (know knees and flat feet) and doc confirmed he's a bit on the stocky side but nothing wrong with that as he'll stretch . DS is a perfect forward prop

Maybe you have to be very harsh with your mum and say either she stops commenting about weight issues or you will stop seeing her? I know that's very drastic but maybe it gets the message home?

I'm weight/food obsessed but try my uttmost not to make my kids suffer for it/set a bad role model.

good luck

Just want to add my tuppenceworth about 'chubby' - dd1 was a 9 pounder who at 5 months hit 19lb, effectively bursting off the chart! (proud emoticon). The HV could not believe I did this on 'only' breastmilk . She grew into a lean toddler, and is now a gorgeous, healthy teenager with a stunning figure. Your mother sounds very similar to a woman of similar age I know - I do think that generation were often given some funny ideas about food and weight. Honestly, we either have people telling us our babies are too fat, or (esp HVs) that they are underweight and need formular. Just another example of, where parenting is concerned, not being able to please anyone!
Well done on a gorgeous, healthy little boy. (When he is a lanky 10-year-old, you will wonder where he went...)