Lost all my friends - how does this happen?

[HowDidIBecomeThis]

4 years ago, I had a good social life - friends to chat with, meet up with, go out with, go on holiday with. A best friend - two in fact. And I was happy.

Over the past 4 years, I've lost them all.

One best friend I fell out with over something we will never get past - she made some very insensitive comments about something traumatic that happened in my past, coupled with having an affair with a married man that only i know about (everyone else thought he was single when they met) and when the relationship (inevitably broke down) she was supported as a victim of his awful behaviour when she should never have been with him in the first place. She'd also started to use me as an emotional sounding board whilst also telling me she didn't have time to listen to me so it became very one sided.

I have lost the friendship group we had together.

My other best friend turned against me over the summer - low level bullying that culminated in a low level physical assault so I haven't seen him since.

I have lost everything we had together too.

3 years ago, I was bullied by a prominent member of another friendship group and, despite all my efforts to the contrary, lost him (no loss) and all members of that group - one I'd known since childhood.

I found some female friends and one took a dislike to me , spread rumours about me having an affair with a close male friend of mine. The other women knew her better than me, and so I cut them off too.

I picked myself up after all of these incidents and joined a new hobby and made new friends but, whilst we all get on well and have a laugh together, I know that they are all in contact with each other outside of the hobby and group 'girls nights out' whilst that is the only time I see them.

I'm scared about making close friends again. I dont have the opportunity to and I feel that I've had my chances.

I have other friends but the sort I meet for lunch every couple of months or so and chat generally with, no one I am 'close' too.

Has anyone else experienced this? I'm beginning to this that, as the common denominator, it must be my fault. I've always struggled with friends since childhood and was diagnosed with HFA a couple of years ago.

How do you do it?

I'm kind, loyal, not a pushover or a people pleaser, I dont try too hard but check in on people to see how they're doing but it's all one way.

More than anything, it means that I am back to the place i have been after all these friendships ended of going out on my own and being happy and confident to do so but I would really like some friends.

I’ve had a bit of trouble with friends and social stuff my whole life too. I’ve always felt like I didn’t quite fit in and didn’t know how to, particularly big groups.

When i was at uni I was part of a gang and I was so happy, I thought I’d found my people! But then we all fell out after, for similar reasons to your first story. It was very traumatic for me, I felt bereft for years.

Since then I’ve made some very good friends - mostly people I have worked with, who ‘get’ me - but I don’t see them that often. Likewise with the mums at school it stung that they had secret WhatsApp groups and nights out but I realised they were the ones with the problem and I don’t need to be part of that.

I’ve grown to accept that I don’t need to be part of everything and I put more into the friendships that do matter. I see my very best friend about 2x a year because she lives 400 miles away. But we take care of each other from a distance and that’s what counts.

If I was you I’d try and see it more as their problem than yours. Focus on the people who do want to hang out, however infrequently. Take pleasure in the things you do well. You never know what’s round the corner.

I’d love to know the answer to this as I’m in the same boat!

Thanks. That is true about not knowing what lies around the corner but these were all decent people - the sort of people you should be friends with.

Both best friends knew everything about me including my innermost and darkest secrets. I completely trust them to keep my confidences, as I will keep theirs. The friends I have now are people who have full lives and lots of friends. I'm someone they see when they can 'fit me in for lunch' but not someone they want to do things with. If that makes sense.

They are also still all going on their nights out and holidays together. I just feel very lost.

The new friends I have now are more like the sort of people.i can go to the pub and have a laugh with.

It just struck me the other day that I have no one I could call on in an emergency, no one who would call on me. That makes me feel quite sad.

I'm in my 40s. It shouldn't be like that.

Mum friends unmade when my children were at primary school (including those we holidayed with and those I saw frequently) have drifted, yet I know they are close with other mum friends (we're all still on fb) and some very close friendships have been forged - which is lovely.

I do enjoy the things I do but they're so often done on my own.

I'm just always on the periphery.

probablysue

It just seems to come so easily to some people!
I'm reasonably content with my life - I have a full time job and I get on well with people there; I have two children (one at uni one doing GCSEs); I have a couple of hobbies i enjoy. I know people i can socialise with but I don't really have 'friends'.

I don't really have any friends either, my problem is I've moved around too much so the friendships die out due to not actually being able to physically see them. I'm now living in another country, I don't have a job and the ones free during the day are just not my type of people. That makes me sound fussy, maybe I am? I have a few 'friends' that I could meet up with of an evening but I'm not sure they like me enough and I'm rarely free at the weekends and evenings due to having s family. My old uk friends don't really bother with me anymore as I've not lived in the UK on and off for 4 years. I do get sad and very lonely but I've made my bed I suppose...

It's so hard, isn't it?

I don't think it makes you sound fussy. Or,at least if it does, it's ok to be 'fussy' about your friendships.

It's no different to any other relationship - a friendship with someone you connect either and have things in common with is always going to be more fulfilling than just having someone to keep you company because you're a bit bored and lonely.

its ok to be fussy about friendships

Hmm, yes and no. No one should put up with being treated badly, but I do cut my friends a lot of slack. I’m not living with them, or sharing my finances with them - I don’t need to be as fussy as when say I a, meeting a partner.

If I like them and find them fun I’m not fussy.

I have had friends behave in a way I might personally disapprove of, but the truth is it’s not my place to stand in moral judgement over others in that way. I’ve made mistakes and got things wrong over the years, and while some might see the role of my friends being there to support me, I think it’s different and distinct - they are really there to distract me.

Obviously an assault is different, no one should have to put up with that, but I do think (meant gently) a more relaxed approach might help you.

If I like them and find them fun I’m not fussy.

That's what I mean, I'm no good with people who don't make me laugh or someone who doesn't find me amusing or fun. Finding friends/people with a sense of humour is surprising hard as an expat. It's the one area I truly struggle with. Maybe us brits just have rubbish jokes!

I've had this problem since moving to flee a bad relationship. I've developed no new friends in 5 years and only 2 of the old friends keep in touch after we moved

I agree with @Millymaud - I cut my friends some slack, and they do the same with me. We don't have to share our deepest thoughts all the time. I am not short of friends, but I have always avoided "friendship circles" (probably spent too long at a girls' school) because I can't be arsed with the drama or so-and-so not speaking to so-and-so, or so-and-so feeling left out. That kind of shit. Different friends are fun for different activities. Sometimes they cancel on me; sometimes I do the same. Part of friendship, for me, is being able to do this. Another part is not judging one another. It's not my place to judge my friends.

Your trust is gone and that’s fine but you need to think about investing in new ones. I moved to get away from a horrid marriage and I’ve been here a year but we’ve had lockdown and despite that I’ve got 3 good new friends. Try the book by Jennifer page about being lonely. Invest in yourself and interests that interest you eg book club etc and don’t expect too much too soon. Many relationships changed after Covid or during it -

Jealousy may havr played a part with some/all of these "friends " turning against you.

Also if you're someone with low self esteem, people with abusive behaviours (including women) will be much more attracted to you as they can sense your lack of proper boundaries. That friend for example using you as an emotional sound board but not having time for you, you should have distanced yourself from that friendship long before your eventual fall out with her (which was a blessing in disguise for you).

It doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with you per se, but the pattern suggests you need to work on your own self esteem and self worth so you can better establish relationships with people you deserve who won't just use you.

@HowDidIBecomeThis

Be aware that if people are extroverts, they're not that "fussy" about friendships since their friendship tend to be many but on a much more superficial level. Which explains why some posters are perceiving you to be "fussy".

If you're an introvert, you often have fewer friends because it's normally much more important to connect on a deeper level so that naturally means you seek people out who fulfil this. This isn't being "fussy" at all, it's just being more prudent with friendships.

I think that the honest truth, for a lot of us at this sort of time in our lives (I'm mid-40s too), is that we just don't have much time or space to invest in new friendships.
I have a varied group of friends who I try and see when I have time, but I also have a job, kids, work, hobbies... and just don't have the mental space or energy to find time to build new friendships at present.

It's not about other people not being nice, or worthy of friendship... just that I'm exhausted keeping up with the social circles I have already! And of course, some new friendships happen naturally and without effort - IMO those are the best kinds of all, but they aren't at all predictable.

These people you term as 'best friends' weren't very good friends at all. If they had been, they wouldn't have jeopardised your friendship in the way they did.

Rather than lamenting their loss, see it as having a space created in your life to let healthier relationships in. You seem to think that what you need to do when someone mistreats you is to try hard to get over it, so that it isn't an issue for long. This is why you've ended up with a crappy friend circle.

Start mixing with new people, and increase the time you spend with those who treat you well. Stay away from those who treat you poorly. You'll be happier, and will end up, after a while (and it does take a while) with a brilliant group of friends who feel honoured to be accepted into your life.

I think to try and get away from the idea that you "should" have a "certain" type of friend .I lost contact with my friend some time ago ,we used to go to School together on the School Bus and were always round each others houses . I have a very good friend now ,but struggle with the "best " part .I also have a friend much older than me who I get on well with .I dont think it is anything you have done wrong either ,just that at School .Uni whatever ,you have a common bond .When you move on ,get married or whatever move away .Its less intense.I also think sometimes you can be a bit too easy going or soft .Others seem to know this and can play on it . Whatever the Sisterhood says ,some women can be quite bitchy and also seem cliquely as well .

It’s not that they don’t like you or that you are awful, it’s because you have instilled good boundaries. And it takes a bit of time to then forge new friendships as we get away from school/college/involved hobbies. Try not to worry.

I agree with @TheFoundation

this year, the same thing happened to me, too. my best friend turned away from me so easily, because i had a fight with her new boyfriend. and now i realised that all my friendships were hollow too, because nobody ever reached out to my when i was coping with my loss. i realised our many year lasting friendship’s were just good weather friendship’s. i always had problems to make real friends, so i thought, if i just invest as much as possible in my friendships, reach out to them, care for them and open my heart, i can build up my circle of friends… but it seems i‘m still not friend person. i‘m in my 40 too and i never felt more alone and vulnerable. i list all my trust in people… did you overcome your loss?