Don't fancy DH any more

[Dolly40Dolly]

Although I love my husband dearly, I just don't fancy him anymore. We've been together over 13 years, 2 kids, and we're great friends. We still have sex - at his insistence. He makes me laugh, and he's a great dad and a good husband. But..........I just see him as a real soulmate friend, not someone whose clothes I want to rip off and ravish!

I just don't see him in that way any more. He doesn't sexually excite me, or stimulate me - not that he doesn't try, but I just don't have the hots for him. I am willing to accept this, because I love him and don't want to hurt him. But it bothers me.

I just want to feel that spark of attraction again, that desire for someone when you look at them and they really turn you on! I could never tell him how I feel, it would destroy him. Does anyone else feel like this in their marriage? I realize it's not the end of the world, as we have a lovely family and we have so much to play for. But I do miss feeling physically attracted!

I should try and make more of an effort for him but I don't. I find myself being attracted to other men at work, and although I would never ever go there it does make me realize what I've been missing. Perhaps this is a normal stage that most couples have to overcome at some point. It might come back but I just feel I've moved past that way of seeing him.

I could of written this myself!

It got too much for me and I had to leave! It wasn't fair on my exh that I was finding other men attractive!

It was the hardest thing I had to do tho!

It was also at the 13 years mark with 2 kids that I decided to leave.
But I just couldn't bring myself to have sex with him towards the end....he was like my brother!

There is the possibility that it comes back (married 22 years) and to some extent it changes.

Has his appearance changed significantly?

I think the 10+ year mark is where relationships go off the boil but I don't believe it has to be permanent. Complacency and comfort kick in and that isn't a massive turn on. I wonder if you saw him in a different light would you find renewed interest, such as seeing him at work.

I would not advocate leaving a marriage for this as I think a slump could be a stage. It also seems to affect women in their 40s who perhaps are peri and children are no longer highly dependant.

Read up on sexual polarity, OP. It's the theory that sexual attraction is heightened by differing/opposing energies and that emotional connection is heightened by similar energies. So most couples with either have an amazing spark in the bedroom and some difficulty connecting and communicating outside it, and then vice versa for others.

If this rings a bell for you it might be worth trying to explore your sexual dynamic a bit more and see how you can develop the differing roles/energies that bring a bit more excitement back.

What do you mean "at his insistence"? That's worrying wording.

Nothing will kill your sexual attraction to someone faster than having sex you don't want with someone. You'll get "the ick" if nothing else.

How old are your children?

Mine are 5, 2, 3mos, 3mos and I have absolutely no sexual desire for DH at all these days. I think it's exhaustion. We've discussed it and are happy to run with things as they are atm. Once the youngest are older and we're less strung out, we'll see if things pick up. If not, I'm not sure what we'll do. We both have moderate-low sex drives so it's not ever been a huge part of our relationship tbh.

Blimey spanneroo with those age gaps I’m not surprised!

Have no advice as am in a similar situation. I dread being intimate now as the fact my attraction for him has dwindled away it is coupled with ED issues. We are still good friends but all of it is now having a really negative impact on our relationship overall. I don't think we are tired or that date nights and 'spicing things up' (which are usual and sometimes helpful advice) are going to make any difference. I guess it's about balancing how important sex and that spark is to you long term. I am still trying to work out how important it is for me, as it feels like me feeling fulfilled in that respect will come at a price.

- it took us 18 months to conceive DC2, and almost 2 years for DC1, so we got the shock of our lives when DC3 happened first try... and then another absolute belter at the 12 week scan . I don't think we said a coherent word to each other for at least a week after that news!

I think that's sad @Dolly40Dolly

If you don't fancy him anymore and sex is a chore, then that's not fair on either of you. If it can't be reignited then I couldn't cope. Lifes tough enough. Your husband should be many things to you. He deserves more too...there is a woman out there who would fancy the pants off him, not just settle for him because life is comfortable and then eye up other men.

I felt like this. After a very long time of trying to ignore it we did split up, at my instigation - ex would have kept plodding along. I'm much happier now and just felt relieved when we finally split.

No doubt there will be those leaping on here saying they've been married 40 years and still rip each others clothes off, but they would be the exception. Do you imagine couples who have grown old together fancy each other? I've been married 34 years and certainly don't fancy my DH. He was dynamic, positive, slim, fit and had a full head of hair when we met. He's now a grumpy old man, overweight, unfit and balding. I doubt we are much different to other couples in long long marriages. For me affection, companionship, stability and shared goals are much more important than fancying each other.

Similar position, kids, length of marriage.

I suspect my DW feels the same way about me, as I certainly never get the the feeling she fancies me and can't wait to get my clothes off. We still have an active sex life, but it is very comfortable, predictable and repetitive - certainly not spontaneous or exciting in any way.

I don't think that feeling has ever lasted past the first few weeks of any of my relationship to be honest, once familiarity and comfort sets in.

I guess I feel the same way about DW, but I accept this is just the way of it in a LTR.

Disagree. Ok, so only 18 years not 38 but still!! My DH was a sexy, fit, slim young thing when I met him. He's not anymore. But attraction runs much deeper than that for me. I still find 'him' deeply sexy despite the fact his appearance has changed a fair bit and for that reason, still want him sexually. I think it's a shame to just settle for stability and comfort , you should have those things, of course, but theres more to life - and to marriage - than that.