One -sided friendship and low self-esteem issue.

[tailender]

I'm in a one-sided friendship with Jill. When she has a crisis, I'm there offering support, she leans on me, tells me her problems, etc etc. My self-esteem gets a boost because I think I'm doing a good thing and that Jill likes and trusts me. Then Jill will go cool on me, take ages to reply to messages, doesn't tell me about major events in her life, doesn't want to meet up ..... and my self-esteem takes a major blow.

Jill and I work for the same company and sometimes have to work closely on projects together, although we can also go weeks without seeing each other at work. If we didn't work together I would have probably ended the friendship by now. Instead, I need to find a way to 1) stop myself being there when she has a crisis without feeling like I'm a bad person and 2) reframe the way I think about her going cool on me so that I stop seeing it as a failure on my part.

BTW: I've had counselling for my low self-esteem in the past and mostly it's under control. It's only Jill that has this impact on me.

I'm sorry, but Jill is just using you. She sounds awful, self absorbed and thoughtless. Next time she has a crisis, just say you are sorry to hear that, have you considered talking to a counsellor. Then leave her to it. Do things to build your confidence, meet nicer people, get involved in charity work, be more assertive. I've learned the hard way that only you can build self esteem.

I think you need to go back to counselling OP as you have a lot more work to do on your self esteem.

As the pp said, Jill is using you. However, you have to take responsibility for your part in this. You know she's using you, you show an awful amount of self awareness in that you see what you're getting out of it but you're still doing it.

I'm sorry this has happened as it's not nice to know someone is using you. Friendship is give and take; she shows you as much consideration and help as you show her. However, you need to take responsibility for going back once you realise it's not going to be reciprocated.

After a while, we're colluding in someone's bad treatment of us.

I know how you feel, I've been friends with someone for many years and in our younger days we were both there for each other come what may. Now our paths are different, we're still friends but it's not the same, I'm only part of anything if she needs a favour, someone to vent to, or basically all the crappy stuff nobody else would be willing to do, I feel used, taken advantage of and sad that it's come to this

I used to struggle so badly with this. Now I'm in my 30s I don't let people do this anymore after a lot of work and a few home truths on myself. One of the things that helped me was to down grade people in my head. I used to have a friend, one in my head that was one of my best friends but I clearly wasn't hers. One minute I was flavour of the month then dropped as soon as a new shiny toy came along. When that went wrong, which it inevitably did as she attracted very strange people at times, she would always run back to me and this other girl.

When I was younger I was bullied so any friends I got, I used to cling onto as I thought having bad friends were better than no friends. Wow how wrong I was! When I started some counselling, I found rather than doing a clean break as I wasn't that brutal then, I found rather than seeing her as a best friend who kept breaking my heart (20s and young) I relegated her to a lower friendship status in my head. I realised that not everyone who I liked was going to like me and that's okay because I didn't like everyone. She became a friend who I went out with sometimes. It was easier to cope with, I lowered my expectations of her. Until I was ready to make that break, which I did. No dramatics. I just withdrew from her, which she knew I did.

It ended up we didn't speak for 3 years. Where I grew stronger and found other friends of my own other the years. Funnily enough, we ended up talking again last year. We are now friends again. She is sorry for what she acted like for years and I forgave her. We aren't best friends anymore but that's okay. We are actually better than we've ever been and I'm happy with that.

Don't be the fall back girl for anyone. You are worth far more than that. The bad feeling you are getting is that you think you are doing something wrong and you're not worthy of what you give out. That's where you're going wrong. You are worthy and you don't need to accept this behaviour. Just hold her at arms length. You don't need no huge falling out, just back away from her. Just be polite at work and if she starts up with the amateur dramatics, just don't get sucked in.

I know it's not easy. Nice people are magnets for soul suckers which they are. They drain you then they leave. Draw your boundaries. Don't accept behaviour that you wouldn't do yourself to others. You are keeping yourself in this misery out of some obligation that you don't need to do. She does nothing for you back. Honestly take it from me, when you start only accepting behaviour that you yourself gives out, you will feel a lot better about yourself. Teach people that they cannot do this to you anymore by refusing that behaviour. You can do this. It will be hard at first but it is so worth it.

Wow long reply so sorry!

She knows she is using you.
You are v self aware, so you both know what’s going on. It won’t take too much subtle change in behaviour from you to edge her out.

Do this as a self esteem development exercise. You will feel loads better.

You just need a simple tactic “heading her off at the pass” to interrupt the communication - this will create your new boundary.

How does she communicate with you?

You have good insight into your issues. These books may help you convert insight into positive action:

Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden

When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

I found rather than seeing her as a best friend... I relegated her to a lower friendship status in my head. I realised that not everyone who I liked was going to like me and that's okay because I didn't like everyone. She became a friend who I went out with sometimes.

@Opaljewel... exactly. I have several friends who rarely reach out to me but are always happy to get together when I do. That's perfectly okay. We clearly enjoy each other's company, but we all lead busy lives, and we cannot be besties with each and every friend.