Afraid to stay. Afraid to leave

[FLO20]

Hi.
I've been with my husband for 10 years. We both met in a hopeless place and have been through hell and back. We are both recovering alcoholic addicts. Both Sober 8 years.

I dont want to give log of all of his defects but in a nutshell I don't think I love him. I care about his happiness alot. He is a great dad and works hard to provide a good life for me and my kids. But in between that I just don't feel comfortable with him. Things he does make me dislike and disrespect him. When we argue he uses vile words to hurt me whilst holding my 3 year old daughter. (Slag/c*nt/scrounger)

My baby has been unwell since birth with a list of issues that just make him very fussy and I've struggled. He is 13 weeks old. My husband decided to tell me I need to spend more time on housework because the house is a shithole and that I'm using the baby as an excuse. Its really made me disrespect him even more and I don't know how to get back what I felt before when I loved him enough to look past the bad.

I want to leave. But I don't to hurt him. I'm afraid I'll regret it. I'm afraid for my kids when they grow up without a man at home. I'm afraid I'll struggle.

But I'm afraid if i stay my son will listen to his dad speak to me how he does and think its OK. And that my daughter will watch me walk on eggshells and grow up feeling like she has to put up with what he's like when he's unable to communicate.

Hi :)
First of all well done for being sober for 8 years, that is amazing!
Second of all, I think you know deep down what you need to do.
I have posted on here recently and people have told me to put me first, and they are right.
What do you think you should do? Why do you accept his behaviour?
I too accepted my husband's behaviour. And I still do. I am a mug! But I choose not to be anymore.
What do you choose to be?
Good luck and whatever you decide, you can do this. Xxx

I've known for a long time I'm not happy and to be honest u have just settled for it based on being just ok and my kids havong 2 parents.

It is statistically true that children from a divorced parent family are more likely to struggle as teens. I dont want to effect my children. I'm torn between what is best for them

I am from a divorced parent family and went off the rails as a teen. My addiction started at 16. I ruined my life.

As a young girl I always wished my parents were together. So I just dont know what to do :(

I hear what you are saying but it’s not a great atmosphere for tge children now and will only get worse as your feelings increase. You haven’t said how old your children are but children nowadays are a lot stronger than when you was a child and can you take that risk they will turn into their father. I think you know what to do and your not saying they can’t see their dad just not live with him. I’m here if you want to talk or help

All credit to you for being sober now for the past 8 years.

You want to leave so stick to that mantra and act on it. Don't settle and certainly do not settle for this dysfunctional relationship. Engage the services of the Rights of Women and Womens Aid (abuse is present in this relationship) to help you with the process of leaving.

Your children need to learn life affirming and positive lessons about relationships and the model being shown to them is neither.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did yours teach you?. Your parents divorcing was not your fault, you perhaps went off the rails at the time partly because no-one cared for you (they were too busy with their own problems) or you felt that no-one else cared. Sadly for you no-one ever bothered to show you what a mutually loving and respectful relationship is like and this one is patently not it.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. You do not want to hurt him but he has and will continue to hurt you and in turn your kids; he really does not deserve your consideration here at all.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want this sort of dysfunctional relationship for them as adults, you would say no of course not. What you write in your last paragraph in your initial post could all too easily come to fruition if you stay for what are really your own reasons and nothing to do with them.

My daughter is 3 and my son is 3 months.

When me and my husband are good I am happy but still not in love with him. I also worry about face value and so no one in my life really knows what goes in except my best friend. I suffer with the age old defect of what people will think. Will they think I'm out of order. Will they think im mad? Will they think I should try harder to make it work.

Over the past 10 years myself and my husband have been to therapy together and apart. Things have improved ALOT with his anger and so he thinks his abusive outbursts are OK because they are better (and a lot less often) than they were.

We are both in AA and so work a 12 step programme so he does see where he is wrong and apologises but I notice he NEVER apologises for what he says just says sorry for how I feel and for getting angry.

He isnt totally bad. But I just struggle to see past it now.
I'm already stressed to high heavens with my son and the constant crying so I feel like I have 0 ability to cope with much else.

Love, you're worried about breaking his heart. He breaks yours repeatedly and doesn't care, so he doesn't deserve and empathy from you. He's an abuser and sexual predator who only thinks about what he wants. He doesn't care about what you want or need, dirty prick. Look how many of us are disgusted by him, we can't all be wrong. Make plans, you don't have to act right now, but do make plans for a safe and happy life for you and the children.

Um, I think children coming out of dysfunctional families are also likely to have poor outcomes, don't you? Growing up seeing your mother verbally abused and berated isn't healthy.

They are so tinny darling, they won’t miss what they cannot remember 😊 3 years old will have hard time for a bit but then she will get better. You do what is best for you and the kids. Because kids won’t be happy seeing their mum miserable. Either try counselling together or remove yourself and your dc from there as it will get worse not better if both of you will continue like this.

Counselling for your own self may be helpful here; I would certainly not enter into any joint counselling with him. Such men apart from more often than not refusing same could well use such sessions to tear you apart further.

Why do you care about what people think so very much?. Surely thinking about your own self here is far more important. Who drummed that notion into you as a child?.

Are you still very much codependent; it appears so. I would read about codependency and read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie.

What do you want to teach your children to learn about relationships and what are they learning here?. Divorce is not failure after all. Staying for the sake of the children rarely if ever is a good idea and in your case a particularly bad one.

There is a book called the 12 steps for codependents you would find helpful. I am an alcoholic sober 4 years and a single mum of 3 thriving children. I have no doubt being away from an abusive partner is hard but achievable and I am happy and know I'm doing best for my kids with what I have which is all any of us can do. A lot of the aa men I know are sick and don't work a good program, just staying sober but not applying the steps to their lives. You have a massive opportunity for growth by freeing yourself from this dysfunctional relationship. I know it's hard but you WILL emerge from this happier and stronger. Talk to your sponsor, pray and feel free to message me any time.