I was married over 20 years. 3 kids now in their teens. H is an alcoholic. He's also a really bad liar. In the 20 years he's shown himself to be a bit of a womaniser. Flirty in front of my face, hitting on friends, lying about his drinking, the list goes on. It all made me feel fairly worthless.
I eventually asked him to leave to give myself and kids some thinking space when his drinking was at an all time high, he did.
In the first three months of him leaving, he had numerous affairs with women. I only found out because while he was declaring how much he wanted us all back, I looked at his phone and found everything there. Conversations with these women telling them that I was bat shit crazy etc etc.
But should I even have the right to be hurt by this? I asked him to leave after all.
I was doing well while he wasn't here. Lost loads of weight, got fit, my career took off, had counselling, made holiday plans etc and generally felt stronger until Christmas when it all came crashing down.
He was drinking so much that he literally would have died in a few months if he'd kept going. He pleaded with me to help. I got him help, he stopped drinking, started attending AA.......I went to Al-anon ( fking awful experience) and slowly but surely I started to allow him into my life again. He'd stay over several nights with me, it was ok. But in the back of my mind , I just couldn't get over all of the lies he'd told about other women. So many lies. Right up until this week while he was in a sober state . He literally left this marriage and started shagging.
So yesterday, feeling a bit angry that he'd lied again about another woman he'd had sex with I asked him to leave and told him that I couldn't see a future because there is no trust. I can't get past images of him with other women. It was breaking my heart. I look at him and see some creepy, slimey, desperate old drunk.
Yet I miss him. Im worried about him. I'm scared on my own. I know my future could be really exciting away from him but it scares me. But a future with him will be full of insecurities and lies and so toxic.
He left my house and as far as I can tell, started drinking again. I just feel so shit. But this is what he wants isn't it?
Do I go NC? Is the freedom programme worth doing? How do I keep up the strength to keep away from him?
Looking back, our marriage was awful. Full of lies, physical and emotional abuse, drink....god, it was just terrible but why am I sitting here feeling so worn down, insecure and gutted? I should be rejoicing. I'm scared.
I don't want to be on my own. I don't want to be scared. I feel like he's screwed me up so much over the years, he's made me question my sanity when all along I was right about his womanising and drinking.
My post is a bit all over the place, I'm sorry. I feel like a deer in headlights. How do I go forward?