Even if you think this is a ridiculous suggestion, please bear in mind why I am asking and be kind.
Thank you.
Around 20 years ago, I was raped in my bed as I slept by someone I knew who entered my house unlawfully but without 'breaking in'. I didn't tell anyone, it was never dealt with, I never received counselling. It took a long time for me to truly realise or accept it was rape because I'd been brought up with all the rape myths about it being a woman's fault if she "got herself" raped - what was she wearing, what was she doing, where was she..? And I was in bed asleep. I'd done nothing. I didn't know you could be raped by someone you knew, I'd also been brought up being told that "all women have sex with men they don't want to have sex with when they don't want to do it. It's just part of being a woman" and it was best just to let them get on with it.
So, on the back of all that, what happened to me didn't fit my criteria for rape. I did most definitely say no at the time but also felt guilty I 'owed' it to him to let him do it given he'd made all that effort to get to my house in the middle of the night etc. and I didnt put up a fight. Believe me I know how awful that all sounds now.
Anyway, I didn't truly process it until last year when a friend said something that kind of unlocked it all and it felt like it downloaded into my head and suddenly the rest of my life just became so clear and understandable.
I didn't develop a fear of men as a result. Nor a fear of being raped - I couldn't blame myself - I hadn't done anything wrong so I understand more clearly than a lot of people i know that it's not running through the local woods that gets you raped, or being drunk, or being out alone after dark etc. Because, in my case, being asleep in bed in your own home is what gets you raped... so I understand it's encountering a rapist that gets you raped. But what it did leave me with was a huge fear of sex.
Fast forward to now. When I look back through life, I've never had good sex in the context of a loving relationship. I've avoided loving relationships and, whilst I've had a few ONS, I've never really had sex within the confines of a relationship - never had a combination of sex and love. In my head, they've always been very separate.
My relationship history is very poor. I've generally been single. My longest relationship was sexless (save for functioning sex to have my children) because I married a man who was a virgin and completely inexperienced when we met who had his own hang ups about sex. Since then, my relationships have not lasted beyond a few months. And often been long distance so the question of sex didnt arise very often. I've pretty much avoided it/discussing it, which has also been easier during recent years as I'm now older (mid 40s) the men I've dated have either had ED or been of the roll on, grunt a bit, roll off variety. Which I can cope with easily.
I've always felt scared/anxious during sex and it's only really been recently that I've processed that that isn't normal and you're not supposed to feel scared during sex.
Four months ago, I met a man. The first I have met since my 'rape' revelation and since all of this became clear to me. I'm not ashamed of what happened to me. I don't think it was my fault but I am incredibly sexually inexperienced (although I've 'let' it happen quite often with men in the past). The man I'm seeing is very sexually experienced and expressive. But also incredibly respectful and aware of my boundaries. He doesn't push for sex, he has stopped if I've even appeared slightly uncomfortable with what he has done and generally waits for me to initiate but I'm not experienced and it's all been incredibly 'vanilla' because I'm only really comfortable in positions where I can be face to face and in control - so missionary or me on top. But I also know he would want to do more and, more importantly, I feel I want to do more. Because of the way he is, he is the only man I've never felt.'scared' or 'anxious' with. But I no longer want to let this man of 20+ yrs ago have this control over me.
I don't know if this relationship is going to last. But I feel that I want to address it and to address it with him either for my relationship with him or any relationship in the future.
I have started to take ownership of this in the past few months. I have told a couple of female friends about the rape but not the impact - because it's not my shame. A few weeks ago, I told a male friend (and mutual friend of his and mine) about the rape and also gave a brief overview of the impact and he cried when he heard it and hugged me. So I understand how 'big' it is to hear.
But I also find it difficult to open up emotionally and discuss emotional things with someone I'm close to or in a relationship with. So I want to tell him about this but I know that I won't be able to sit down and open up about it. I know that because I've intended to talk to him that last few times ve seen him but not fund the right time or words to start the conversation.
Do you think it would be ridiculous to write it down in a letter and send it to him? It would give him time to process it and formulate a response and I wouldn't have to spend an hour trying to get my words out and fail to express myself adequately.
I was thinking I'd include basically what I've said here but in a slightly more heartfelt way. I need him to understand that I feel I can explain it to him because of who he is. But I also accept that he might break up with me at any time and for any reason so I won't feel embarrassed or shame for telling him. I'm telling him because I need to start acknowledging it for me more than anything.