When does OM move in?

[HelenaGH]

I have 2 acquaintances who are in extra marital relationships.

D is in her 40s, 2 daughters aged 7 and 12, been having an affair for about a year. Her OM wants to leave his wife for her but she’s not so sure.

Other friend L, also in her 40s, again 2 young daughters aged 4 and 6. Fallen head over heels for a married guy who has a child. They want to be together.

My question is, in these scenarios, does the OM move in with the woman and her children? These people are not wealthy and can’t run additional homes. So if the OM moves in, isn’t that a bit weird and a bit of a shock for the children? Especially if like D, the children have never met her OM.

I’m just wondering how this works in reality because surely ideally the OM would be introduced a couple of years down the line? I don’t know. I’m intrigued!

My opinion only, these new relationships have only fair to middling chance of success, ‘cheat with you, they’ll cheat against you’. But so saying, I think there’s certain emotional ‘stuff’ that needs to be worked thru between the breakdown of one relationship, before embarking upon a new relationship, this takes differing amounts of time, but needs to be done if the new relationship has any chance of success. Bring children into the mix and it’s a whole different ball game. If children are involved, I think it’s imperative things need to go gently gently indeed. The children - their thoughts and feelings are paramount. OM is a stranger to these children, no moving in, IMO, if at all, for some considerable time.

In one scenario OM moved in only 3 weeks after husband was asked to move out and relationship ended very quickly as it was too much reality all round.

In another, husband rightly refused to move out so it was another 18 months of living apart until both free and saved up enough to afford to rent a house big enough for all the children. Lasted 6 months.

One would hope these two women would have a bit of breathing space between relationships and not set up home with anyone for quite a while, especially as they have young children. Affairs often do not naturally evolve into partnerships, it's so different when you live together.

Do either of their husbands know what they are up to?

Well, if you hang around long enough with your popcorn, presumably you’ll find out.

Cant afford to run 2 homes?

What do you think people who divorce or split, with no OM/OW do?

The OM moving in is telling them one thing. That is 'I will leave my wife as long as you immediately give me the best bits of what I had with her'

I bet if they are told they cant move in, neither leaves their wife . They smokey dont want to be independent.

There is a thing called ‘affair brain’. When the affair is carrying on both partners are loved up, made for each other etc etc. when the affair becomes an actual relationship with actual day to day realities like taking putting up with snoring and toilet seats left up, the excitement of the affair begins to wear off. Very few affairs make it into actual long term relationships because of this.
I would be weary of moving the OM in straight away as will be very confusing for the children regardless of weather the relationship works out.
If your friends want to leave their husbands they should leave them for themselves, not for the OM.

Ugh.

Oh you're "intrigued" are you.

"Friends" are they.

So transparent it shines.

D’s husband knows that she is having an affair and blames himself.

L’s husband has no idea.

The reason I’m interested is because a similar thing happened to me. My mother moved her lover in when I was 16. She was single, he wasn’t. He just turned up one day. It didn’t work out but I can’t imagine imposing a strange man onto my own children!

The two women who are having extramarital affairs. You haven't mentioned what's happening to their DH? Or perhaps you have and I've missed it? Are these women married themselves and having affairs or do you mean they are single and the 'affair' is that of the OM and his wife?

Ah I see your update. The reason I was wasn't sure is because I didn't see any mention of their husbands and I was confused. There was no mention of their DHs as in were they asked to leave, did they leave if their own accord, are they still there...?

Why should the DHs be the ones to leave? If I had cheated on my partner then I would do the decent thing and let him at least stay at home, unless he wanted to move out. These women get to wreak havoc on their families lives then get the luxury of keeping the house and moving their fancy men in?

Many years ago now but my parents marriage fell apart. As children me and my sister were introduced to dm’s om and had some days out but were sworn to secrecy. My df moved out and other man moved in an hour later. They’re still together.
As an adult I look back on it and wonder WTAF. As a child, I think I just got on with it. But I still see my dads face as he drove off that evening and it still kills me that he didn’t fight or put more effort into staying in touch.

Both women are still with their husbands. D’s husband would move out I suspect. L’s husband would also most likely get his own place but I don’t know for sure.

How old were you TidaQuel? Sounds tough.

Oh, the om will not actually ever go ahead and leave their wives for someone else's wife plus her children. They just pay lipservice to what the mistress wants to hear.

My exh moved straight in with the woman he was having an affair with who was a new widow. Her son was 6 years old. I and everybody else thought they were disgusting and utterly disrespectful.

The husbands have to move out?

The friends and their soon to be ex husband have to afford 2 homes, whilst sharing children.

But the OMs couldnt possibly leave their wives and support 2 homes?
What a pile of bollcocks.

My ex left me and our 2 dcs. Lived in a flat for about 6 months before moving in with OW.. As soon as he could get a job in her area. They are now married and seemingly happy but it definitely added to the turmoil for my kids.

Oh and yes, I did think it was disrespectful of him. He seemed to desperately want to normalise their relationship ASAP so all the affair nastiness could be airbrushed out. He was v cross that I didn't just shut up and go away with minimal maintenance and a pat on the head.