So this will be a long message but this is an attempt to help my mind.
I have been with my husband for 13 years married for 8 with two sons 12 and 9. I fell preggie very soon into our relationship I noticed started to notice my husbands behaviour change when I was carrying our son. The affection stopped and the reason for this was OH felt freaked out by me carrying the baby.
Our son was born and agreements existed but Nothing specific other than the lack of affection. I did start receiving remarks about my weight slightly throughout our relationship. We tried for another child and this felt without passion we had Oliver, just before he was born an example of OH behaviour would be, I worked full time and went to the park after work with DS and OH close to my due date it was very hot I sat on the bench OH said get up your so lazy and play with your son, these kind of remarks dug deep.
OH got a job travelling aboard just after we married the lack of affection carried on and on I felt isolated lonely. I remember being in the car with our children on the way back from a holiday I was crying and saying why don’t you touch or want me OH said if you had to look at you you wouldn’t want to touch you either. I sobbed. This continued for another with OH being away up to 8 weeks me being mum and dad working full time OH would come home resent me going to get hair cut saying I was being selfish by heading out. So I started getting attracted to other men always vowing I would never stray in fact I was adamant I wouldn’t do that. So I started chatting to an old friend I worked with when 16 (I’m 48) I was curious why marriages would break up and why his did. We went out with a group of people one nite OH we’re not talking arguing and I slept with this man I confessed two days later. OH played the victim injured party crying sobbing, we went on a holiday a month later we were getting on affectionate happy but I was racked with guilt. The day after we returned OH went away for work for 8 weeks I still felt guilty, he returned then was in a foul mood following month left saying I was an awful wife and mother. He returned a week later I was baffled. The following month I found some messages in my old Facebook account that had been sent going back 18 months including a half naked photo of OH saying my husband was in a relationship with another woman. After much begging he confessed yes he had slept with a woman in a Far East country who worked in a hotel where he stayed a couple of months before in The September, I have now left he toke her with him to another country she stayed with him and I now know that she conceived his child (had been told that in the April but OH) denied it. Found out over Xmas that yes this child was his. So from 2015 we carried on things did improve we bought a house OH remarks on weight sometimes appeared he has spent nearly 4 years renovating the house insisted no one can do it other than him the affection isn’t there or the sex life. If we had sex on confidence was on the floor I preferred to lay on my back as felt hubby didn’t like my body (I love sex and this broke my heart that I had come to that) I had a little fantasy that one day I would be loved for being me no more sarcastic remarks no more doing all house work working full time. OH struggled to have patience with sons they were loved but he was brought up to educate through humiliation it would make me cringe if OH did to sons and I always stepped in often trying to say to boys that way isn’t the right way. We went away in August all of us two weeks no touching no sex hugs or kisses I watched other couples felt sad lonely but excepted our sense of calm from one arguement to another they wouldn’t often happen as we settled into a life of acceptance but I had this little fantasy of my future. So September came went away with work for two nites there was a disco and a colleague I had known for 10 years was there we laughed danced drank and I was happy I asked to go to his room for a coffee and I slept with him. I was so angry for doing this again and questioned why......... I did not intention to take us further we live 70 miles apart, I felt shame and I asked him not to mention it and I knew he wouldn’t. I couldn’t then get him out of my mind and the same for him. We started messaging not about feelings but just to say hi this grew and things between OH got worse the meanness the lack of patience with boys one day the boys were playing football in the house they didn’t stop when asked the footballs were gifts he threatened to slash balls boys didn’t believe him he got 12 inch stabbed balls. I asked please could we pay a decorator to finish boys bedrooms they had lived 4 years in horrible state he said no only me do it I was allowed to help as I was crap at decorating apparently. So I moved out a week he drained the bank account of money so I couldn’t spend the money on a decorator. This fuelled my feelings and actions with,colleague I wasn’t starting to feel any guilt this relationship grew and grew a lot of common interests music film he is older 8 years 55 we laughed and laughed I smiled the sex was the best i ever had I had never felt a physical connection with another man before. So December came I went out with a colleague met up with this man missed the train ended up staying at his on the sofa his family were in bed very bad idea but nothing happened I didn’t tell my OH until the morning when I called and he went mental the mental that makes me clam up and think I cannot do this. Before this incident OH was being mean to the boys if I went out for a couple of hours he couldn’t cope they didn’t respond to him he would take charge by hitting them. Eldest son was saying to me mum what are you going to do about it. I didn’t know what I was going to do. OH could be in a great mood in the morning by the end of the day his dark unhappy face would come out. So after the nite away I left went to my mums as the verbal stuff wouldn’t ease in front of kids about my nite out. He was angry said he didn’t want to be with him but a week later his mental health started to decline he toke a OD on sons birthday as he wasn’t with us due to his erratic behaviour dumping all my belongings in black bags on my mums doorstep smashing the bags. So colleague left his wife their marriage was confirmed by both parties as over he is staying with his dad on the brink of divorce. So we carried on to 20/02 both in same situation both planning our lives together me in love him saying he will buy a house for us wants to be with me for the rest of our lives and support the boys. The initial thought of him was slightly dimming maybe pressure of situation I don’t know OH continuing his devoted love for me how everything would change he realises how much he loves me because I’ve gone everything would change love affection support everything I wanted I could have. So colleague and I had a planned nite away mum was babysitting boys OH didn’t know what I was doing. It all became too much for me started looking at colleague who was devoted ina critical way WHY what what happening was i hormonal period every weeks I was started to think of hubby and getting upset crying want OH colleague was supporting me saying we have a nice time then you cry feel guilt over OH and boys. So I ended it with colleague even though I love him and long for him, said OH yes I would go counselling to explore the possibility he’s over the moon. But I cannot bare the thought of sex or kissing. We saw counsellor yesterday colleague was back in the picture my fault! I couldn’t keep away last nite he wanted to know where he stood I said my heart says be a family my head stays don’t be with colleague. Then my heart says colleague my head says OH. Meanwhile we 3 are with my mum, if I divorce hubby I will not have enough to buy only had the house 4 years got 21 years to go on the mortgage. I feel it could go back with OH in the contained place where we were no great sex and affection. But my OH says I will give you everything I love your body let me prove to you. I am not a horrible person usually a rational level headed woman but not at the moment sometimes I went to run away or not wake up. I have no answers or the prospect of a happy ending.........in an ideal world I would love to be with colleague but I don’t know him on a day to day basis it’s very scary............. just writing this helps but again no answers I literally don’t have an answer. Colleague made me feel me what a wonderful feeling that was.