Struggling to watch dd grow up

[OhffsHelp]

I'm not sure this is the right place for this, but it doesn't seem to quite fit in parenting. Might be upsetting warning?

I have a lovely, wonderful dd who is nearly a year old. I am so excited for her to grow up and all the fun things we'll do together. To be honest I can't say I particularly miss the new born stage, she had colic and it was not an easy time for me generally, or in my relationship with her daddy.
But despite this I find myself panicking at the thought of her getting any older, and the fact she's already "grown up". I have nightmares where I'm holding her deceased as a new born. Or multiple her's in different baby stages, and wondering where I'm going to bury them.
Is this normal? If I'm like this now how much will I panic when she goes to school, or learns to drive?
There's a strong chance she will be my only child, so maybe that's also influencing my feelings. But I can't stop feeling like I've lost my baby, when I've got perfectly healthy dd right in front of me.
I know it's ridiculous, can anyone at all relate?

Oh my heavens, of course, I really believe any mother can relate. Our children are incredibly precious and having children is at once life-affirming and a bitch slap to our mortality.
And the feelings you’re experiencing are so much more acute in the early years. The end-of-times coronavirus cloud currently hovering over us sure won’t help. But this time will pass.
You’re probably a bit anxious, a bit tired, and also in love with your beautiful child! I’ve found that my exhaustion fuels my worry.
I still worry. Years later.
Those images of burying multiple versions of your DD are a combination of anxiety and coming to terms with the fact that you will say goodbye to phases of her, not her though! The thread that runs through your DD will always be the essence of her. As the years go by, I swear, there’s just even MORE to love about our kids... yes, even when they slam doors and declare ‘I hate you!’, they become amazing entities. We all get at least one I Hate You. It’ll be ok!!
You’re in for a wild, crazy, and beautiful ride.

You sound like you’ve lost a bit of security and safety in your DD’s dad. If that relationship has broken down or is even struggling, it’s a bereavement. But this can be worked on, with love and patience and a deep understanding that even if we split apart, the love for our children can still unite us (it took me some time to get there with my son’s dad). The love you both made in creating the love of your life, your DD, is fragile and that can leave you feeling vulnerable. But that unconditional, unyielding, indestructible love for your DD will give you the strength you need to weather life’s storms.
DS1 was a ‘difficult’ baby. My marriage collapsed by the time he was 6 months and then DS (not even a year old) and I moved in with my dying dad so that I could care for him. That was hard. I felt exactly like you. I felt afraid of everything. In the face of so much loss, I’d never felt such a deep love as I had (have! ) for DS. And I was desperately afraid of losing the most precious of gifts. Life felt very off kilter and this contributed to my feelings. Those feelings still visit me and I go through blips where I worry about losing the kids. I had a flash of my 18 year old being struck by a bus as he crossed the road to see me in hospital (where I am writing from!). And again, this is just born of anxiety. When life feels out of control, our worst fear is losing our most precious people. Maybe you feel like life is escaping your grasp at the moment.

I promise you that time is like a flower and life with your DD will just become MORE... dare I say better? Can you top that magical first year? Yes, with bells on.
You have a heightened awareness of the gift that is life, the blessing that is your DD. Probably some anxiety is at play here too. And that’s normal.
Time will calm that down a bit.
How is your relationship with your partner?

Thank you so much for your reply. You're right, her daddy left when she was just a few weeks old. We tried to make it work but it's burned out now.
I'm sorry you went through such a difficult time with ds, I hope you're all happy now.

OP what you are telling us from your post.the worrying about your baby growing up is coming from a place of overwhelming love and protection you feel for your little one.Our heads are funny things! They translate what we feel inside quite strangely! I think we often try to imagine how life will be and what we can do to make everything lovely and perfect for our babies and we are in full on protection mode forever. You are not going bonkers rest assured! You sound tired and when you are over tired you over think and there is nothing but chaos in our heads and it never seems to stop. I think my best advice would be that if you wake up from having these dreams or you are laying awake worrying and cannot drop off then get up and do something ...anything to just distract yourself.It does help a bit. It is not coming from a bad place at all and I see it as natural what you are going through.You love your dd so much and you are carrying a lot of responsibility on your shoulders.I am sure all will be well and you have so much in life to look forward to you two girls! No comfort now I know but I think how you are feeling is where many of us have been and it will fade out gradually over time and you wont even notice its happening.Old worries will get replaced by new ones such as school,friends,childcare,boys!!! The list is never ending and its called life and you will cross each bridge as you come to it and both of you will be ok..promise you! And the reason I know you will both be ok is cos I am sure 8/10 parents are right where you are ,some past it some facing different worries but we function somehow!!! Best wishes sent.

Meant to add I am way on the other end of the scale...the nightmares I have had totally irrationally have driven me to despair ..my reason is my baby has just moved out! He is 29!! Yes bloody 29! You would think I would be fed up of him and used to the anxiety by now but oh no!! He is happily settled into his swanky new pad with his boyfriend and I fretted for months!!! See always a different worry!!! Now I know I genuinely have nothing to be concerned about with him,for he his happy,loved,with a fab job and a lovely home and its natural he has gone but good grief it was a shock to the system! He was ready to go I wasnt still arent ready! Bonkers!!!!

I don't think it's normal to have nightmares no
It might be normal to feel sad about them growing up but I don't think it's normal to panic either

I don't think that level of anxiety is normal. I'd also be wary of passing it on to your child. You sound like a wonderful mum, but I would look at counselling for this.

When they are tiny and so beautiful you can’t believe how much you love them and you fear you may love them less as they get big - I used to look at a four year old and think it was this great hulking lump compared with my perfect 12 month old firstborn. But they get better and better, more and more beautiful, and your love gets bigger and better with them. My three DDs are 24-27 and constantly amaze me, just as they did when they were tiny. And yet they don’t change. I knew them for who they are on that first day and they are still those people.

Motherhood is the absolute best thing in the world OP. You are allowed to enjoy it!

Glad someone agrees with me I was starting to think this was really odd

It is not healthy to have such dark repetitive nightmares about your DDs death. There is likely some trauma in your subconscious that is playing out here repeatedly probably from your own upbringing. And/or panic around your RS not working out and having full responsibility for DD.

These intrusive thoughts and your anxiety with high-jack you emotionally and interfere with you attuning to your DD and therefore compromise her emotional development. She will sense and absorb your stress and internalise it where it will become part of her emotional responses.

Take some time to see a professional to work this through to nip it in the bud.