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Relationships

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Original poster

AiBU about younger female friend

21 replies

Effiestinkit · 14/03/2020 06:31

I've been in a new relationship for the past 6 months. My boyfriend is 53 and I'm 50. I've been very hurt in the past as my ex cheated on me with a woman half is age after claiming they were just friends. So my boyfriend is a very kind and generous man. I've met most of his friends except for one and I realise this could be my issue entirely. She's 30 and they met through another friend of his a few years ago. She has complex issues, is an alcoholic, studying for a degree and my boyfriend has been supporting her through this. When we first got together I did say I didn't understand the dynamic of an older man being friends with a younger woman, but it may be my issue of being cheated on clouding this. He said he'd had sexual feelings for her previously but there was really nothing else and she was just a friend. I put this to one side.

Last night he messaged to say this friend would be coming to stay with him whilst she would be taking driving lessons after term had broken up. I was baffled as to why, with her only living an hour away, why would she need to do this. I briefly asked why she wasn't doing it in her own town.... she has a place to stay there etc. I told him whilst I'd never make demands on friendships etc I had to voice my concerns on this. He had also told me previously that he had offered her to stay with him to help financially and had we met when she was staying there, he would have found it difficult to conduct a relationship.

I pointed all of my concerns out and he was horrified to have upset me unintentionally. He kept saying how much he loved me and wanted a future with me etc. Then it came out that he'd actually had sex with her on a one night thing, they agreed it wasn't right for them both so decided to just remain friends. I told him I was a bit upset he hasn't mentioned he had that history with her. I am not a raging jealous person, he's still friends with an ex from a decade ago (same age as me) I've met her a few times and have no issue at all.

Now he has just messaged me to say he has told this younger friend that she cannot stay with him after all. He says to me he doesn't want to jeopardise our relationship at all. Now I'm wondering if I'm just being a bitch or was I right to voice my concerns.

I'm also wondering whether this is all bloody worth it as I do love him but what happened to me previously has made me feel if I can ever truly trust a man again. As I said, he is kind and generous to all of his friends but this has really unnerved me 😞

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 14/03/2020 06:35

Sounds fair to me. It's a woman he has a strong relationship with, fancies and has had sex with. I wouldn't object to them messaging or having coffee but staying over for an extended period wouldn't make me happy either.

It's great he is prioritising your relationship. Next I would be suggesting you get to know her too.

SkaLaLand · 14/03/2020 06:49

Op this would be crossing the line for me full stop.

None of this 'cool wife/girlfriend' stuff. You do not have to be ok with them being in touch AT ALL.

It is then up to him if he prioritises you or her.

If this were my DH he would be going no contact or getting divorced.

And it's not about her sex. They have slept together. For me that's a big no.

SkaLaLand · 14/03/2020 07:03

Particularly the part that had she been living with him he wouldn't have persued a relationship with you. I am on your behalf!

ukgift2016 · 14/03/2020 07:06

Why would you allow yourself to get in this situation again?

Big red warning flag. Anyway, the only way I continue this relationship if I was you is if he cut all contact with this 'friend'

KellyHall · 14/03/2020 07:08

I'm really glad you voiced your concerns, don't ever think you need to hold them in, I believe relationships have to be open and honest.

Maybe you won't ever trust a man completely again but maybe that's ok. He clearly loves you and wants to try and make you happy, enjoy your relationship with him and just live each day as it comes.

PaterPower · 14/03/2020 07:27

When you say he’s “supporting” her through the degree etc, do you mean financially or just by giving advice / being a sounding board?

Original poster

Effiestinkit · 14/03/2020 07:28

Thanks all. It does sound like he wants to make things right and says I'm his priority. I've been totally honest with him and said whilst I understand he wants to help her, there have to be boundaries. He really is one of those guys who goes out on a limb for any of his friends. But this one definitely has triggered my insecurities and I'm not happy. I told him that I'd always promised myself that the first inkling of anything raising concerns and I'd be out.

We've had an amazing 6 months and he has said he wants a future with me and now this...it feels it has put the dampners on things.

Yes, he said he would distance himself from her and he won't be having her to stay at all. Whilst there may be nothing going on at all, I'm definitely not being the cool girlfriend!

@KellyHall - I agree, I don't think I well fully trust again. I also feel we need to be honest too. I'm going to see how it goes for now, but I'm not scared to be on my own at all so whilst I love him, I'd end it if I start to feel more vulnerable again.

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 14/03/2020 07:31

That's a weird, unhealthy relationship dynamic and you're doing him a favour to point it out to him. He clearly still fancies her and no doubt if she had been into it one night would have continued into a relationship. She's happy to take his support (whatever that means) and doesn't think it inappropriate to come and stay unnecessarily while he has a girlfriend suggests to me she's enjoying having his attention. Whatever their motivations it's weird and he needs to dial it back for his own sake not yours.

Original poster

Effiestinkit · 14/03/2020 07:32

@PaterPower supporting her as a sounding board and helping her academically too. He's good friends with her course lecturer as that's how they met a few years ago. I also wouldn't be surprised if he had helped her financially. I haven't asked the question.

OP posts:

Original poster

Effiestinkit · 14/03/2020 07:46

@CodenameVillanelle she's an overseas student so has no other support over here. He said they put the one night thing behind them and now they are like older brother/younger sister. However, I'm still not cool with it at all and whilst he may be fully into me and does just see her as a friend, you are indeed right... why would she think it is ok to ask to stay with him etc. Apparently she has a boyfriend in her own country but that doesn't mean anything really.

I would be happy for him to meet her for coffee etc, but yes... this is over stepping the line. He is fully apologetic and says he will do anything to rectify this. He also wants me to meet her. I don't know if I actually want to!

OP posts:

SkaLaLand · 14/03/2020 08:01

The dynamics of this are all wrong op. I wouldn't want to meet her either!

He has likely told her all about how you're insecure about her too. Like men who want women to fight over them do.

YakkityYakYakYak · 14/03/2020 08:15

He doesn’t sound like he understands boundaries, or is purposefully ignoring them because he likes having her around. I’d struggle with even having to tell him that this isn’t okay, but he did listen to your concerns and change things so perhaps he deserves the benefit of the doubt for now.

I’m not sure why he feels he needs to support her so much, she is an adult. Does he treat his male friends like this too? Or is he one of those men who thinks women need to be rescued and looked after?

IAmcuriousyellow · 14/03/2020 08:19

He is a White Knight, he feels validated that this woman “needs” him to rescue her. If not her there will be others coming along to bolster his ego. Silly boy. I expect she makes him feel ten feet tall.

famousforwrongreason · 14/03/2020 08:28

Oh dear. I have been here with a helpful generous loving sociable boyfriend. Let’s just say I’m now the ex and the beautiful young girlfriends are still very much part of my exes life. I believed a LOT of lies.

Original poster

Effiestinkit · 14/03/2020 08:32

@YakkityYakYakYak yes he has helped male friends too, when one of them went through a marriage breakdown he put him up and helped him financially with a deposit for a rental property.

I'm not making excuses for him at all. He is a generous person and I doubt it is the White Knight scenario. I'm prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt due to him wanting to do anything he can to rectify this but this is the one chance he's getting as I'm not prepared to take any shit.

OP posts:

Gutterton · 14/03/2020 08:48

Wow he sounds like a right creep having sex with a young, lonely woman with MH issues.

Quite predatory in a white knight disguise.

It was only one night because SHE said no more - not him. Know that.

Isthistrueor · 14/03/2020 08:57

Would I be happy about my DH having such a close relationship with someone he once slept with? Nah, probably not. It’s great he’s told her she can’t stay over anymore but I personally think it’s weird he offered in the first place. She’s 30 so should be able to look after herself, not rely on some man in his fifties she had a one night stand with. Such an odd set up.

Dieu · 14/03/2020 09:44

He has been honest with you, and has now told her not to stay. He is prioritising you and your relationship. You have to move on from this now.

Camopetals · 14/03/2020 09:56

An older man befriends and has sex with a vulnerable, isolated, alcoholic woman 20 years his junior who he met through her lecturer?

Oh yeah, what a Prince, nothing exploitative going on there

SudokuQueen · 14/03/2020 11:19

Ugh it sounds so wrong that he says they slept together, decided it was wrong and see each other as brother and sister now. Ew..

Not sure what I'd do in that situation. You could ask him to cut contact altogether, but there's still the fact he thinks like that. It's so weird.

Gutterton · 14/03/2020 11:27

Read up on “Dumsel in Distress” RS dynamics.

He said he'd had sexual feelings for her previously but there was really nothing else and she was just a friend.

So he lied to you.

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