How do I ask him if he’s interested?

[Coronacorona]

Can anyone offer some advice? I am going round and round in circles with this and feel as if I'm losing the plot. Briefly, I came out of a relationship last October with a man I'd been seeing for 18 months. I'm late 40s, he's early 50s. We had a lovely time together, he was kind, fun and I loved him. Last autumn, both of us were having a difficult time in life - new stressful job for him, very long hours, then both his parents developed dementia, and needed a lot of care which all fell to him - and I had a serious health scare, was in and out of hospital, plus a stressful job which I hated. Both of us deal with stress differently, with me looking to the relationship to provide some comfort, while he found this a whole extra layer to deal with and couldn't cope. He was very supportive with my health but found it all too much on top of his own stuff. We ended up breaking up, which both of us found very difficult at the time.

Fast forward to now. We managed to become friends after Xmas, mainly down to me getting in contact and saying it wouldn't be awkward, and we've met every 2-3 weeks for lunch since then, and once, a drink. Purely platonic from view to start with, and I'm guessing his. But the last couple of times I've seen him, we've got on very well and I’ve realised I'm still attracted to him, and have strong feelings for him.

Unfortunately he has given me no signs that he feels the same - I have no idea how he feels but I’m guessing he’s not interested. He's very logical and although loving, I know he finds romantic relationships difficult. He is probably enjoying his simpler pared down life.

The problem is, it's kind of breaking my heart a bit. The not knowing, and also, the voice that's telling me he's not interested in me romantically any more. In my experience, men show it if they are. He's a confident, assertive man and I do think he would show me if he was still keen. I'm thinking I should call off the friendship as I know it will devastate me if / when he starts seeing someone else. We don't talk about dating or relationships at all when we meet. I have no idea how to bring it up without looking desperate. A couple of times I thought I’ve detected a bit of attraction/tension, but am putting it down to wistful thinking!

Anyone been in similar situation? Is it better just to cut contact (and maybe explain why?)

Bumping

OP, I think your intuition is screaming at you on this one - let it go.

By 18 months, I would expect a partner to support me in troubled times and gain comfort from the relationship in their troubled times. The fact that neither of those things happened makes me think he's not a person I would want to have a long-term relationship with, because whenever either of you are under stress, that will be his reaction.

You are excusing hisactions as being bad luck and a perfect storm, but it isn't the reaction a loving partner would have.

He's obviously happy with you as a friend, but he'd probably be a fair-weather friend - again, not a person who would emotionally support you.

It will be painful, but ultimately a clean break will be better for you I think. Not being able to rely on your partner in extremis is way worse than being single. xxx

I agree that his reaction to stress was to withdraw from you which isn't great in a partner. I would also be wary he would want a FWB type situation. My experience has shown men are happy to still see you when they've split with you, but with no commitment required.

Thanks for replying Christmasfluff and Mermaidwaves. I hear you. It’s interesting to hear that maybe he’s just not a good bet as a partner - helpful in many ways!

Thing is, he had been very supportive during our time together - if he’d been flaky I’d have walked. The issue came when his own life got so complicated and stressful with all the various factors - he couldn’t deal with mine on top. Literally went into self preservation mode I think. Maybe that makes him sound unreliable but I could understand it.

Things have thankfully got better recently, for both of us. I thought I’d dealt with it all but here I am, mulling it all over again

It must be hard to let go, I guess you've got nothing to lose by asking him straight out?

Re: FWB situation, yes am alert to this. But no signs of that. Sounds a bit corny but he wasn’t ever that driven by the sex (although it was great ).. more about the connection, friendship etc.
Hard to explain. But I trusted him, certainly not a player (the opposite), an honest man. All the more reason why it’s hard to let go.

Yes, you’re right mermaidwaves. Wtf is wrong with me:(
It just feels like it’s all done and we’re supposed to be in this shiny new friendship place, not harking back to the old place. Do people really reunite, ever? Or is it seen as old ground, same old problems?

I just don’t know how to ask him without looking pathetic!

Shameless bump